SS15 is a Lazy Mama's Boy and it Drives Me Crazy!!
I am new to the forum. I came across this after another bad day and needed to vent to someone. Here's a short little bio that may help. I have been with my DH for almost 5 years now, married 3. I have no BC of my own, and I am 32 years old. My SS lives with his BM and SD just 15 minutes away. We get SS every other weekend. My DH and the BM married because she was pregnant and were only married until SS was two years old.
My DH has encouraged my SS to participate in all kinds of extra-curricular activities all his life and paid for many a uniforms, etc. but BM always let him quit when he wasn't happy and wouldn't ever tell my DH. He once went to a basketball game expecting to see my SS play and another parent asked why he was there because my SS quit several weeks earlier. My DH and I have encouraged him to try different activities but he never shows any interest. The SD30?, however, is an avid video game player and that is the only interest my SS seems to have. BM, SD, and SS have about every video game system imaginable. My DH and I do like video games, but we do not spend small fortunes on them and do not play them very often. We actually like to go outdoors and camp, swim, boat, hike, or just go outside to sit. His is also VERY immature for his age, baby talks, wants to hug me all the time, and always does this fake little smile to me. Mostly because BM and her mother (who is always at their house) do everything for him and are always hugging on him. He does not have to do anything for himself. He even has a recliner and refrigerator in his bedroom. He doesn't care about hygiene or his appearance at all. We still have to remind him to shower, brush his teeth, comb his hair, put deodorant on, etc. every time he stays with us. Neither his BD or BM are overweight either and he is extremely overweight. BM does not like to cook so she just stocks up on junk food and sodas for him. So needless to say, it is very aggravating when SS comes to stay with us. My DH does complain about all of this, too, but he won't do anything about it. And if I say anything to my SS about his habits or needing to do something, my DH will get on to me and then it leads to this whole big argument. Right now, we are not speaking because I suggested last night that we should have bought my SS a razor while out school shopping because he is growing a mustache and hasn't shaved, yet. I asked my SS did he want his D to teach him how to shave while he was here and his response was "I dunno," and my DH butts in and asks him or does he want to grow it out and he says "I dunno," and I again asked "Well, don't you want your D to teach you how to shave?" My DH told me to drop it because I was making him feel uncomfortable right in front of my SS. I was humiliated. After my SS went back to his dungeon I told my DH to not scold me in from of my SS. He said that I take everything too far. I was thinking to myself (well someone needs to and someone needs to step in and save this boys life!)
Of course this is just the most recent complaint. I'm to the point now where I just don't want to try anymore. I'm so tired of being a SM! I think I could handle it better if he did more normal things like go to the movies or hang out with friends (oh, but he doesn't have any.) His BM has just totally ruined him. Her karma will come when he's 30 years old and still lives at home with her and she's still doing everything for him.
Thanks for listening. I wish I would have found this website sooner. I really needed it from day 1!
Here's what I did:
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.
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There's an exception to everything I say.