Step Children False Accusations of Sexual Abuse
I'm new here, and hope to find some comfort, understanding, and direction on this topic.
A little back story first - My fiance and I have been together a little over a year now. He was previously married for 18 years to the mother of his two daughters. I myself have a 14 year old daughter. We began dating before his divorce was final, and the day after his divorce was final, all hell broke loose...
Five months ago, my fiance was falsely accused of child abuse and sexual abuse by his 12 and 15 yr old daughters and their mother. We went through hell trying to absorb why they would say these awful things. I went through the initial shock and horror of what was said, and even worse the doubt that initially and momentarily flooded over him. Luckily we obtained a reputable lawyer and were able to prove his innocence in court, and through CPS. There were never any charges filed; his ex was reprimanded in court for their antics.
Prior to these allegations, I pushed my fiance to establish strong relationships with his girls. Previously, he tried to shower love on them in material ways, because they never talked to him or saw him without expectations of "things" so I asked that he put that aside, and spend time with them doing things they enjoyed, hiking, going to the lake, etc. I was their biggest advocates. I wanted them to know that regardless of the fact that their parents relationship didn't work, that the relationship with their father was strong, and emotionally based. I even supported his ex-wife in helping him to see that being a single mom was hard, and to give her the benefit of the doubt as she worked her way through all of that.
The impact of their false allegations have been felt for months, and we're still feeling them. We live under this dark cloud, feeling that there's still more to come. That at any time they'll drum up more charges, and the investigations will start over, the polygraphs, the interrogations, the appearances in court..
Suddenly, they text him out of the blue with "Do you want a kitten?" Then nothing again for a couple of weeks. Now they say they want to see him. He feels that this is great, he wants to know that they're okay. I can't stomach it. I can't understand how someone can accuse you of the most horrific things, and then just proceed as if nothing has changed. He wants my blessing to go and see them and pushes me to forgive them because they're just kids.
I have a 14 year old, who went through divorce, separation and she's strong, mature, and compassionate. I know what it's like to need to have that relationship with your child. I struggle so much because if someone wouldn't bless my relationship with my daughter, I would be beside myself, but again, she's unlike them.
How can I give his blessing on these kids who, for all I can see are evil, calculating and manipulative people. Oh, and on a previous note. These sexual abuse allegations have been used before by the 15 year old when her advances on a 30 yr old man were rebuked. He now sits in jail because she's done this before, and won..
Are you sure that you want to
Are you sure that you want to put yourself in this situation that can blow up on you at any moment? These kinds of accusations come from personality disorders affecting the BM and/or SDs. These disorders are almost impossible to cure. Your daughter's wellbeing is on the line if those girls are back in contact with her. You have only known this man for a year. Seven months of that time has been spent on dealing with these accusations. The drama of that situation has to permeate your entire relationship. I hope you don't live together, because that does indeed allow for CPS to remove your daughter from the home if there are more accusations. There are more fish in the sea, and you don't have to be in the line of fire from the crazy that exists here. Google borderline personality disorder, and read a bit about the lengths personality disordered people will go to in order to punish a man who has hurt them. The hate never stops.
This is why SD14 isn't
This is why SD14 isn't allowed to visit our place unless someone else (like Dh's father or another person) is there. SD14 knows that lying gets her what she wants and she's lied about both me and DH to BM and her therapist before, alleging things like I threw her up against a wall and pulled her hair and that DH called her a "whore" and a "slut".
She also knows that her cousin lied about her father touching her inappropriately when she was 12 and now that kid (who is in her 20's) isn't really a part of their family because of all the damage she caused. She knows this kid didn't have to spend a minute with her dad after she allegedly accused him and that's what SD wants (to not visit) so we can easily see her pulling that kind of stunt.
We won't set ourselves up for that type of liability just so SD can grace us with her presence. NO FUCKING WAY!
I think we will consult a
I think we will consult a therapist so he can hear these things from someone besides me. I think he feels that I'm a terrible, cold-hearted person to want to separate him from his children. He wants my support and I've tried to reiterate that I am being wholly and completely supportive, by trying to protect him and keep his life as he's accustomed to it.
I know they are just children
I know they are just children but those accusations have such heavy repercussions that I find it close to unforgiveable. I would not trust these kids on the same block as me and neither should he. Forget the counseling or the forgiveness these kids could screw up the rest of his life. Imagine having your home listed on-line as a sexual predators home.
His response should be "Call me, email me and text me. Lets share our own private Facebook page but I won't meet you until your 18th birthday".
I had my grandaughter visiting when she was about 15 with just the two of us in a RV for a week. When she went home she told her mother I made some sort of sexual innuendo. I've never seen her since. They may interpret that as guilt but I don't care I'm not trusting her near me again.
This is how I wish he would
This is how I wish he would deal with it. I don't want him to put us into a situation again that will cause us more grief. I don't want to be somehow wrapped up into this, because I feel it could happen, and I could lose my daughter. I've thought about all of this, and we've talked, or rather argued about it endlessly.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your thoughts, words, and personal stories. I'm hoping he'll take some more things into consideration before setting this up, and I'll be sharing and suggesting your responses.
I don't see how you could
I don't see how you could lose your daughter as long as you're around to take care of her. I.e. if somebody like Child Protective Services was considering taking your daughter out of his home then you would just take her out as well as yourself.
Obvioously you can use that as a part of your threat that if he reinvolves himself with these criminals (false accusations of sexual abuse) you and your kid are gone. Of course be prepared for him to say "Go".
So, to update - he arranged a
So, to update - he arranged a meeting with them, in my house, with the BM's friend tagging along the same day I was posting about trying to deal with this.
They came over, cried and he feels that this is their apology. That we can trust them again. I know that I certainly will never trust them again as far as I can throw them. I'm so irritated that he arranged for them to come over to my safe place. I felt my personal space was invaded and now he's on this "I need them in my life" kick - but I can't wrap my head around wanting these lying beasts in his life.
We've been fighting non-stop for a month about what the two of us need (he needs them, and I hate them) and it nearly ended us. I decided Sunday that I would set that aside, and let him deal with it as he sees fit, but that I didn't want them in my space for at least 6 months until I had some time to get to a better place. So, yesterday I get a phone call, the BM's father is in the hospital and we have to take care of these wretched humans. I get home from work and 15 minutes later, he's asking me what I'm making them for dinner. I was appalled. Not only are these horrific people standing in my house, after accusing their father of unimaginable things, but they're expecting me to do something, anything for them.
On top of the disaster that is them - I have him telling me about the conditions that they're living in. He's paying out about half of his income (which in itself should be enough to sustain them) but now he's trying to have us fork out more money for their mother's wonderful choices to be a friend to them instead of a mother, and buy them shit they don't need (like pets, iPods, laptops)instead of food, shampoo, laundry soap. So not only are we paying all of their past bills, their medical, their car that the BM decided not to continue paying for (still in FH's name).. now I'm doing their nasty ass laundry, housing, and feeding them.. Will it ever go away?
So now, I'm at work - the only safe place since these squatters are occupying my home against my wishes. I can't stand their faces, their fake "I'm plotting to ruin your lives some more smiles."
I love him - I do, but I can't see how this is all going to be worth it...
It isn't worth it. Your DH is
It isn't worth it. Your DH is as deranged as they are! And to expect YOU...who did NOT create these lying, manipulative freaks...to do a damn THING for them, is beyond outrageous.
Please read my comment above
Please read my comment above again. And again. This is not going to get better. Your needs are ignored. You have people in your home who you clearly said were not welcome there. I don't give a rat's a$$ who got sick. It should be clear to you who matters to your SO. YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO HIM. Put him and his brats out of your house. He can go take care of them at their BM's.
".. Will it ever go away?"
No, not unless you make it go away. Do you really love that guy, or are you just too afraid of conflict to get yourself free?
Ew.
Don't love them. I wouldn't.
Every crappy, a-hole adult started out as an a-hole kid that was never called out on their BS.
It's not worth it. I've been
It's not worth it. I've been married for over a decade to a man with a stepdaughter who is a pathological liar and has Borderline Personality Disorder. She no longer lives with us, but still manages to cause problems. Hindsight is 20/20 and I would NOT marry my husband over again.
Sorry you are going through
Sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately I don't know that I can offer much advice, but I can Kim of understand what you are going though, just to a lesser degree.
My husband has full custody of three kids (all teens at the moment. Mom hasn't been around for years. When the middle SD was 15 she got with a friend and plotted to turn my husband in to the cops for physical abuse. She made bruises on herself that weren't visible to us, got one friend she would smoke pot with all the time to say she saw him do it, and was telling sob stories to other friends how she was getting beat all of the time. She was then going to have her pothead friend's mom adopt her and have her brother and sister taken away and put into foster care (her brother and sister were not in on it). Luckily we found out about the plan before she called the cops, but ever since then I've hated her with a passion. This is the SD who recently tried to kick my ass and who keeps crying to her family about made up sob stories and how we are too strict. She keeps threatening to run away. I saw good riddance, but she is only 17 and it would make my husband feel so bad.
Once they are around 12 or so they have a pretty damn good idea about good and evil and right/wrong. If they are doing cruel, evil things then that is probably just who they are. Wouldn't with this horrible crap on my worst enemy...
I have told FH that I will
I have told FH that I will not allow the kids in my house until they have gone through the courts to openly admit to lying.
Since these so called children are so fragile, they don't want to push them to admit something, instead they want to counsel them to death to try to not make them feel cornered or scared of anything that might lead them to think that they'll be in trouble for their lying, manipulative mouths.
So now, that part is progressing, the SDs and the BM are saying that CPS and the investigator are the ones that named names, that they never said that their father did anything. How is anyone supposed to believe that CPS and the police just randomly came to the exact same conclusion when all they supposedly uttered was "it was like someone was like behind a like mask... " That means their father? Really? And what's worse is that FH wants to believe it, wants that to be the case so he can still see his children as good, innocent people where all things just "happen to them."