It sounds like she is deflecting her hurt for feeling abandoned by her mother onto you......she dosent want you doing motherly things with her....but would prefer her mother to do those things you said with her. She is displacing her hurt back onto you. You aren't the problem here. She is crying out to have a relationship with her mother and feels frustrated because she cant or her BM wont.

Try not to take it personally.

But I would back off and just say that you will be there for her if she needs you. She may or may not come around from now on. At the end of the day, the reality is you are not her mother. Good luck.

"She blames me for her depression and need to cut. I am a witch and I have taken her place in her Father's life."

This line stands out to me. I don't know how you have taken her place as the proper place in her dad's life could not be filled by you. Your roles are different. We actually had this same problem (I was replacing her) and DH was very quick to correct sd. Her problems are her problems; we will help her work through her issues, but we will NOT make her the center of attention in our home. When all of this went down, DH was weeks from proposing, and BM was freaking out. When the truth all came out (two years later), she was parroting BM, as BM was miserable and depressed and sd was mimicking her behavior.

Stormy does have a point though. You are there, and you will face her wrath when BM drops the ball. You have two options there. Either step back and let her come to you or continue to be there, and let her know that you aren't going to walk away (even though she's there, she's not involved) like BM has done.

Well, now that you know you are going about it all wrong, you must be feeling so much better.

Welcome to Step Talk! It's actually a warm and supportive community - which may not be immediately apparent right off the bat. We have our sages in residence, our mean girls, our funny women, and our disengagement divas. Lots of common sense, some uncommon sense also. Stick around! You are likely to learn many life-long lessons.

I'm afraid i don't have one ready and waiting for you to swallow, but i have to tell you, i work with many families of teenage girls' that try to cope with the same issues: depression, anxiety, cutting, fraying family relationships. You and your DH could use some family therapy to learn how to deal with your SD, but what she needs is a therapeutic environment, a supportive and nurturing program ( there are schools like this for girls only) that will have teachers and therapists who have the training necessary to help her.

How are her grades in school? Has she ever been hospitalized? You may want to start with a psychiatrist - get a psychiatric evaluation, or get your school district to provide one, and then start looking for a therapeutic school. Call your state DOE Office of Special Education programs and ask if they can advise you. Some of these schools have both day and residential programs. In about 12-18 months she could come back to you in a much better shape.

In the meantime, do not take it personally - hard as it is to do. She is depressed and irritable, as such teens often are, and she is lashing out at an easy target. Other girls in her state lash out at their bio moms. This is her depression talking.

I am sorry, but this is a perfect example of why i stay guarded in my relationship. This situation is soo typical. Bio mom is ignorant. Why cant she see that her behavior is doing her daughter a disservice. Bio mom should look at this woman as an additional support and resource for her daughter. If anyone is a detriment to daughter it is bio mom. This woman is being penalized. I feel on some level every bio mom would feel threatened when step mom gets "too involved". We are damned if we do and damned if we dont.