Stepchild dictates how house runs
My SD, 14, lives with us and sees her mom most weekends. But, when it is convenient for her mom, SD just stays with us. For example, if SD has a volleyball tournament on Saturday she stays here all weekend. So what's my problem? These decisions are made by SD and BM, without consulting BD (my husband). I feel that if it is her mother's weekend to have SD, BM should be responsible for her, even if it's not "convenient" for her. Just found out that my husband wants to change our weekend plans (which we've had for a month) because he found out last night (Thursday) that SD will be staying with us all weekend. Now he must make arrangements to take her to the tournament and pick her up after. We had plans all day that he tried to cancel. I said no. I told him that any decisions that affect us should, at a minimum, be made with his input. He says he will e-mail BM and tell her that, from now on, she and SD can't make decisions on their own about what happens at our house. That's a step in the right direction, but it's four years in the making. Anyone else face something similar? How do you handle it?
no changing schedules
They tried pulling that with me. I put my foot down & said NO CHANGING SCHEDULUES. PERIOD. PERIOD. IF THEY make plans then the SS doesn't get his weekend with us, it is skipped. WE don't change plans, so it isn't done to us. PERIOD.
I will not allow another woman to plan my weekends. No marriage is worth that.
schedule changes
I totally would not allow it. His ex used to do that all the time when we were 1st together, and that is bcuz he allowed it , but i quickly put an end to that bs and she dont even ask anymore. it used to be last minute oh can u pick them up from school and then we would be with them until 9 10 or 11pm whenever she felt like picking them up and then we also had them every weekend we had no free time everything was at her convenience but not anymore if she even asks i always say no just bcuz she takes advantage and thinks its funny.my answer is always no nonnoooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
YES
Elizabeth, I've faced the same dilemmas you have described with my DH, his EW, and DH's son. We were in New York last June enjoying a wonderful weekend wedding while DH's son was with BM. We had plans to leave the wedding and head into PA to do some sightseeing. Without my knowledge, DH got a call from son saying he wanted picked up the following day at noon eventhough we already had a hotel room booked and plans with family and friends. I was furious and we ended up in a major fight because DH just figured it was ok, which it wasn't. By the end of the argument, DH was going home by himself and leaving me with my parents and brother in NY to go to PA alone! I was furious! To make matters worse, right after this fight, our hotel canceled our reservations due to a booking error so we had to go home early anyhow. The next day, an hour before DH was to go pick up his son, the boy calls and says he's not coming home after all, that he decided to stay with the BM for another week. I was every expletive mad!
I've had this fight over and over with DH. I'm done doing it now.
wow tookie2....
I'm sorry you had to go through that... I couldn't imagine.... I feel that plans SHOULD NOT be changed unless all parties (bio's and steps) agree ahead of time, say one week in advance. That way, everyone agrees and is prepared.
Schedule changes
I realize that emergencies do happen and try to be flexible but when a child does/doesn't feel like sticking to a predetermined schedule, then that is BS and the adult in charge needs to reign in the child. Unfortunately, that is usually the "wicked" SM = me!
Still not resolved
Thanks for sharing your experience. I thought this was resolved Friday, when husband said he understood my feelings and would e-mail BM. Didn't happen. I asked Friday night, he got mad. I asked again Saturday, and he said he wasn't going to e-mail because he'd spoken with SD and it was her decision to stay with us. I told him that is still not acceptable, which made him mad again. He just doesn't see why I have any problem with this. When I said I had been putting up with it for four years and was fed up, he got mad again. Is very frustrating that, in my opinion, it is OK to make me mad as long as he minimizes conflict with BM and SD. How is that fair to me or our two children, who have to see that mommy is upset and daddy doesn't care or is the cause?
Empathetic to Elizabeth
I was once told by DH that he tries to make everyone inluding me (yeah right, what he meant was his son, the BM, and his parents) happy when it comes to the visitation schedule. I've been told before that these men are afraid to make the child(ren) and ex mad and it's easier to make the wife mad. Is it fair? Absolutely not.
I don't know if you still have plans to go away but if I were you, I'd go without your husband and the SD and take your two children. If he can't understand why you're so upset then he won't be upset that you want to stick to your original plans.
Try some reverse psychology on him. I've already had to pull that card with my DH in a different sort of way when it came to making plans to go away not so long ago. He was dragging his feet on calling his family to take his son while we did a couples only weekend for some Nascar races. DH's son thought that *he* should be included, too, although no one else was taking their kids so I told DH either he found someone to take Precious or else I was going alone without him. He knew I meant it and made arrangements the next day! See if some reverse psychology will work for you! Good luck!
They are all the same...
The bm, (harpi) thinks everything should change for her, but not us.No way. I put my foot down almost a year ago. If it can change for her, it should change for us. Since it didn't work that way, no more changing. She doesn't like that, but I don't care!
Jenniferlynn