WHY are you doing these things? Socks, dinner, dishes, etc.
They are capable.

Agreed. I try to do minimal things for ss14 and he still does far more (from what it sounds like) then your skids do. I dont do his laundry. If he doesnt do it-oh, well it doesnt get done. Occassionally I will kindly pick up a dish he's used and put it in the dishwasher if I am feeling generous. If I am not-then I take it back and set it in his room (this bothers him alot for some unknown reason) so he will bring it out immediately and take care of it. If he leaves his crap in my yard or the common areas of the house-I may let it sit for a day or two and if it's still not picked up I chuck it in the trash. I dont take him to friends houses (he doesnt really have any), I am unwilling to be on board with signing him up for extracurriculars (because again I'm not taking him anywhere and my dh doesnt drive). If he treats me like poo (which is often) I treat him like poo right back. If something bothers me enough i tell my dh and he takes care of it.

He spanked ss the other night. I dont necessarily believe spanking is an effective tool, but hey, its what dh chooses to do so i dont worry myself about it-at least he's doing something. If ss gets in my way-I will tell him to move his ass before he could get the words "beep, beep" out of his mouth.

im a nice person, really I am and I spent YEARS doing everything for ss as I did my own kids. It was just never reciprocated with ANYTHING back-no kindness, no love, no respect, no going out of the way to do something nice in return so I just stopped. That is not a relationship. It has to go both ways-if you get NOTHING in return then basically you do not have relationships with your skids you are simply their servant.

Lets start off by informing you that you have no authority.

Now read this: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

A lady on this website once told me how to deal with them regarding dishes and their trash......

Put it where they sleep. That ought to wake them up about it. And I shut the door to the rooms. That's how I cope. Just shut the door. I also told SO to give them the 411 on the washing machine. Here is how you work it. If your room looks like that you can get your clothes out and wash them.

I refuse to do their laundry. I refuse to pick up their plates, cups what ever. What about asking them to set the table while you cook? Would that work? Ours will do that.

AS for socks left on the couch. Toss em out. When they have no socks and wonder where they went well then gladly tell them. Your couch is not the laundry basket. And you are not hired help.

She wants you to chill out? In what way? Because you don't want a trashed house and you don't want to be treated like hired help? I'd take a mini vacation for a weekend. See what they go without......

I can relate, I resent the fact that I work all day and come home to a messy house. My FSD's are lazy asses and I come home crabby. I contribute what I think is appropriate and I refuse to spend most of my days off cleaning and doing laundry. I HATE piles and laundry for days, crumbs on tables and counters and everyones shit everywhere but I also refuse to be a maid so I'm just dealing with it for now. When I let it build long enough, I freak out and bitch at FDH and he gets his ass in gear helping. My atitude is, if he doesn't want to MAKE them help, then he can pick up their slack.

Teen age step children are quite the challenge...
I pick up their stinking socks off of my living room couch. - Why? just leave them. OR throw them in their room, or dad's pillow.
I do the dishes they do not look at. - Why? Let them pile up. Dad can do it. When asked just say I didn't make those dishes.
I make them dinner while they (rest)on the couch. - Why? they can make themselves something or starve. Dad can do it.
I walk by their rooms and try not to look at the bomb that went off. - good. shut the door while you're at it.
I tell them I care... nothing back. - stop that.
I watch my husband let them walk on him. - that's his fault and his problem. don't let them do it to you too.
I watch my husband expect me to let them walk on me. - You have every right to stand up for yourself. Don't let them do it and don't expect others to stick up for you when you aren't sticking up for yourself.
My teen age step daughter says..BEEP BEEP when I am in her way. - "SD, its fucking called excuse me, use it or go around"
They do not do chores... they do not contribute. - Neither does my SD, but daddy has to do everything because I sure as hell won't.
They are happy with no authority and a marshmellow for a dad. - Most kids are.
I look at them and see a need for structure...they think I am the problem. - Of course they do, you are making comments and trying to get them to do things and dad isn't backing you. Just stop.
My step daughter says I need to chill out more... any more chilled out and the mice will carry our house away.. - "You're right, I'm going to chill so far out that you and daddy can handle the house. I'm going for a pedicure. See ya"

any thoughts?
-those were my thoughts

I used to take clothing which had been abandoned in the common areas of the home and hide them. Walking to school in your light jacket one day was quite sufficient to stop that. Literally - just once.

I would un-hide the stuff the next day and only did it perhaps two or three times.

But one day a teens watch went missing. Of course I was accused to hiding it but had no idea what happened. Fortunately I had always returned the stuff so eventually the child came to accept that it wasn't me. She must have taken it off at school or something - it was never found and no-one else was in the home that day.

Geez.

My SD16 cooks, cleans, grocery shops, does laundry, takes care of the dogs, and does other work.

And according to her (I read her text messages) we're the chilled out parents.

You are not in the wrong.