On the verge of giving up
Ss is given everything he wants by Bm and Bf (husband). Ss knows he has the power with his father to get his way. I try to teach and give boundaries, but i'm called controlling and a drill sargent. He won't do anything to help around the house. Lies constantly about homework so get summer school. Ss will make every promise in the book to me when he wants me to buy him something or do for him, but never keeps word nor is he forced to. His dad will ground him and then let it go a day later. I'm a jerk if i try to enforce it.
I just feel like i'm damned if I do and damned if i don't. My husband told me six months ago that he wanted a divorce because it didn't seem like i could get a long with his son. Ss could act how ever he wanted and because i am the adult, the blame was on me. Husband wanted to work it out and i agreed to, but now i think i regret it. It is only getting worse.
I just don't know what to do. We get a long fine if the Ss is not around.
The problem is that you
The problem is that you agreed to "working it out." Did he define what it meant by working it out? Because it should be HIM working on his kid if this relationship is to continue. Does your DH blame himself for his inconsistent parenting? That's really the only time it can truly get better.
You're right, he didn't
You're right, he didn't define it. It was pretty well left open. He is a controller and has no problem pointing the finger at me to say that "I" am the problem. He doesn't see himself as "inconsistent." Interesting though, when I begin showing signs of saying "screw this!" he starts adding "if it will keep you from leaving me" statements.
I couldn't have kids of my own, but even I can see when a kid needs stronger boundaries. Is it because I don't have the maternal connection to my Ss that I can see through it all? We tried a counselor, but she told him that i was going to divorce him and that he should have never even put me on the deed to his home. What the hell kind of counselor does that? I never indicated any such thing! I mainly looked for guidance in dealing with the Ss. I would like to be a better Sm. I would like to have the marriage that I know it could be! My faith in counselors has been trashed, needless to say.
My DH was abused as a child and I know that has some to do with where he is now. The Ss has been recently diagnosed with A.D.D and his BM has him on medication. I can't say I can tell it to be working. I am doing my best not to throttle him whenever he is here. He is a rude, angry, wanting everything his way-know it all little boy!
Feels good to have found this site and have an outlet. Thank you.
I have moved out and my
I have moved out and my circumstances for almost a year were rotten. Then the past year has been pretty rotten. Finally, I filed for divorce. Then H asks me to postpone. Here we are six months later. The court date is coming up. I ask him about it and have a convo about the past year and a half. Basically, he wants to tell me how it's gonna be. He had a rotten daughter living with him at almost 22. No plans of launching her. I lived with her before, and said never again. I told him so yesterday. I'm not living with another adult female vying for alpha spot in my home. Been there done that. She doesn't like me. And we don't get along. I've already put her ass back on ignore and avoid her.
There is a novel I could write but let me suffice to say that I don't see how this could be repaired. He's always going to put her first. She will be allowed to run the house. I can be the maid. I can run the errands. But she's his top girl. He can have the disrespectful turd. And be without me. I don't mean much to him any way. Just what use he can get from me.
Why anyone would give that
Why anyone would give that kind of power to a child, I will never understand. Children = children. Adults = adults. RE: "My husband told me six months ago that he wanted a divorce because it didn't seem like i could get a long with his son." Time to hit the road and a find yourself a real man. Your DH is a weakling with a mini-husband (SS). They should be setting up house together. You, should count your blessings that you got out early and don't have to have anything more to do with any of them. FrenchPeas had it right: I'm not living with another adult female [or , in your case, male] vying for alpha spot in my home.
"Ss will make every promise
"Ss will make every promise in the book to me when he wants me to buy him something or do for him, but never keeps word nor is he forced to. His dad will ground him and then let it go a day later. I'm a jerk if i try to enforce it. "
Why would you even keep buying and doing for this kid? You honestly expect a different result because a lying kid who has shown you he's not trustworthy made yet another promise? Daddy too. Every time fails to enforce any consequences. How long and how many more lies and fake promises is it going to take. This kid is in your home 50% of the time. Husband's parenting sucks AND the man threatened to divorce you if YOU don't change your ways and expectations of his son and him *sigh*
You know you deserve better than this. But only you can change your life. They like the way things are. They aren't going to change. They don't want change on their part and their lies and both their behavior has proven this to you over and over. If he hadn't threatened divorce I might have suggested separate homes until the kid ages out. However I don't think DH would go for that. He seems more interested in a maid and wallet to serve his son and him.
spot on!
spot on!
Well stated!! He just doesn't
Well stated!! He just doesn't want to. He simply cannot bring himself to be a good parent for fear of losing his son's love. That is more important than anything and the reason behind "guilty daddy syndrome." He can't get past it, so you're going to have to accept that and make your own decisions.
You're right and I am trying something different by expressing myself in this forum and learning from you all. I want to know that I did my best.
I have been working on a plan of leaving and starting my life new. I'm fighting the "what-ifs". Harder to do when now in my mid 40's. Excuses aside, I am prepared to leave.
I hear you Lauretva and
I hear you Lauretva and totally relate to where you are at as I'm in the same boat as you. It seems that Dh will willingly throw me under the bus in preference to His kids and back them over me. He can't see what he does though and dosent seem to "get" how damaging that attitude and behaviour towards me over his kids does to our relationship. I've lost so much respect for him big time. I look at him now and see someone so much smaller than a month ago. A month ago he was my hero and I would die for him... Now .... Mmehh