When is enough enough?
Wow, I can't believe I've joined a forum to vent and seek advice on this topic, but here I am!
My situation is this;
I'm a mid 30y.o male, I live with my soon to be wife (3 months to go), we have been together for 7 years. We have 3 children, a 15 y.o girl, a 12 y.o boy and a soon to be 5 y.o girl. The 5 y.o is our daughter and the two eldest are my step children. All three of the kids live with us full time, and the two eldest have no contact with their father.
My step daughter is driving me insane, she is selfish, disrespectful, ignorant, lazy, controlling and whatever else I've missed. She was diagnosed with aspergers when she was an infant. Mentally, she is many years behind her peers and this shows via her immaturity. Socially, she struggles. To the unsuspecting outsider, they would never know of her condition.
I feel bad for her, sometimes guilty for my recent lack of interest in her daily life. For the last couple of years this has been the case. Some days are better than others, but usually I just want her to go away. I hate the fact that she is totally ungrateful for everything we do for her. She has no concept of the word "no", and insists that the world revolves around her. Anyone that is familiar with the symptoms of aspergers will understand that these are common traits.
My partner and mother-in-law assure me she can't help it, and I reply with it's not an excuse for her behaviour. She knows the difference between right and wrong.
Don't get me wrong, she isn't sneaking out her window at 1am, or doing drugs, or coming home pregnant. To anybody outside of our house, she appears as a sweet, loving girl, kind girl.
Now, I know I'm no expert in parenting, I was a happily single 28 y.o male one day, and a step father of an 8 and 5 y.o not long after. I try to be the best man that I can for our children (and my partner), but lately I find that I just don't care, that I will try to go out of my way to make sure that she doesn't get the things that she wants just to spite her and teach her a lesson - it doesn't work though, she isn't that intelligent to figure it out, it just creates more arguments in the house. In the last week I've removed all the things that she cares for like her new mobile phone (that I got for her and pay the monthly bill), or the computer, or whatever else I can find that she wants.
My partner on the other hand is caught in the middle. While she also can't stand her selfish ways, she still tries to accommodate her however she can. And I can understand this as she is her daughter, just like I bend over backwards to give my 5y.o whatever she wants, when she wants it. My partner will move on quicky, while I on the other hand will hold a grudge for days.
We have had her in counseling in the last 6 months, and had her live with her grandmother for 6 weeks over the Christmas holiday period last year to try and teach her that the grass isn't always greener on the other side - it only took a few weeks for things to slip back to their old ways.
Her brother (12) and her fight like cat and dog, but when she isn't here, the house is peaceful and happy.
I've threatened numerous times that I'm done - I'm out of here, but I love my partner and could never fathom the thought of not kissing my daughter good-night every night and watching her smile everyday.
Everyone keeps telling me that she is a typical teenage girl, but I know better - I lived with one before (my sister), and it was nothing like this. It's hard to explain it here, but however bad I made her out to be, is how she is. I guess the part that I hate the most is the selfishness, all she does all day and night is talk about herself. She has no respect or consideration for anyone else in the house, it's even worse when she can't see that she's like that (which she can't).
These kids do nothing to help contribute to the everyday running of the house, and I've got to the point where a job is easier done myself than suffer a 30 minute screaming match to ask for a 5 minute job to be done such as unload the dishwasher.
We try our best to give them all they need and want from private music lessons, sports, dancing lessons, but it's never enough. There's no remorse, no "I'm sorry", no "Thank-You", just give give give, me me me.
These constant arguments put a strain on my partners and I relationship. She is good, and gives me the larger role in authority. This can backfire though, as when I'm not home the eldest two have no respect for their mother at all and all hell can break lose. I'm afraid this behaviour will influence my 5y.o in the years to come.
I'm of the old school, where respect was earned and luxuries were privileges, not necessities!
I don't want to be the wicked step father, that in 10 or 20 years time they look back on with resent, but I'm almost at the end of my tether.
I guess I've ranted long enough, but I just needed to vent some anger, and google lead me here.
Stop. Literally just stop.
Stop.
Literally just stop. Everything. You do nothing to help her, nothing to assist her. None of your money gets spent on the child. Etc. If both kids are acting like a$$es, you stop helping with both of them. Those are your stb wifes children: SHE gets to deal with them. If the cell is in your name: shut it off someone related to her can get her one.
Pull up my blogs and have your wife take a read through them. Let her see what happens when entitled children always get what they want and aren't taught responsibility and are not held accountable. It is not a pretty story.
See in my Story the BM was egging the behavior on.
It is the same situation in your story. Your stb wife is not fixing this problem, she is enabling it. I hope her reading my story helps and she is not as stubborn as my DH was.
Bottom line: the kid CAN help it. She is choosing to act the way she is because she is ALLOWED to act that way. Someone on this website had a quote a bit ago that kids were like puppies you have to train them.
Problem is this: your puppy was not trained. Now you are walking in trying to teach an old dog new tricks. But it is not your dog. Make her trainer (mom) step up and fix the problem she created.
Say what you mean and mean
Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you don't intend to leave, for which you have a very good reason not to leave, then do not threaten it. This shows you are all bark and no bite. Frankly, those kids don't need any more of that.
Your fiancee has spoiled those kids rotten. Maybe she feels guilty because their dad isn't around. Well, who knows, it actually doesn't matter why she's been parenting like this, the fact is that she has. Now, the question for you is can you convince her to change? Does she even want to change?
Ok, please understand. Your worry should not be about the older skids behavior influencing your child. Your grave concern is your fiancee is parenting your child the same as the older two. You see the mother has made a terrible mistake - she cannot manage her own children and she relied upon you to do it. You see the problem clearly - they do not respect their mother. Now, do you see that FDW is parenting your own child any differently? What chores does your child have? Is your child allowed to sass Mom, when you are not around? Does Mom baby and coddle and do things for your child that your kid ought to be doing for herself?
Don't feel guilty or bad that you are a point you don't even like SD. As long as you treat her civilly and kindly, you are not required to have engulfing waves of love.
Your FDW has set up this dynamic of the kids being given given given and nothing being required of them. If you are funding that, stop it immediately.
Be prepared. Any time there are attempts to change behavior, things will get a lot worse before they get better. In your case, my concern is that it is going to be FDW who is the most resistant, especially when the skids become angry and turn their wrath on their mother. She sounds like she is far more interested in being their friend than their mother. She has to be on board, in fact she has to be the one who is now laying down the law and I just really don't feel hopeful that she's going to change much after she's been parenting this way for 15 years.
Good luck. You pay a hefty price for the privilege of seeing your daughter every night and IMO you are a hero for sticking it out with this mess. Just thirteen more years. I commend you for putting your daughter's well-being ahead of your own personal happiness.
The problem is that your
The problem is that your daughter will learn this behavior. You can't stop it. When my SD lived here, and treated me so terribly, I watched the child I had raised alone the last ten years get disrespectful and mock me. That was one of the reasons, I started disengaging from her and SS. Everytime my son did I called him out and told him in front of them and DH that I will not tolerate it from him just because DH does with them, I will not with you. Those were ugly days in this house, but little by little DH started to see the disrespect and called her out on it.
You have to disengage and let your wife do all the disciplining and taking care of her kids....You stay out of it. It will be better for all involved.
If your SD is diagnosed with
If your SD is diagnosed with Asperger's, may I please suggest some life saving things for you
and HER...
FIrst this website
http://www.wrongplanet.net/
It is a site for people with AS and it has a forum for parents to get advice on dealing with AS issues, as well as a forum for kids...I think that it is truly the best advice on AS there is out there...the people there are amazing and if one is diagnosed with AS, talking to others who think so much like you is a lifesaver, just like this site is for step-parents...
The 2nd thing is a book called Aspergirls
Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome
This book is just amazing...it really helps us as AS females with seeing what is "different" from an AS perspective...and I think in a much better light, as it comes from someone who thinks like us vs someone who is different than us...ie. it's like getting advice on step-parenting issues from someone who is a step-parent vs. someone who is NOT a step-parent...same applies to this book...I can take that advice from someone from AS, not from someone that has no clue about AS.
After that, there are other AS books for females which are great, which I think could also help, but those are the first two places to start...and believe me, the difference will be huge.
So much of what you write is
So much of what you write is familiar. Same deal SD16 just like the one you describe. A life sucking energy drain in the middle of our house. I have a bs4 so cannot escape either.
People above are right, the parent or parents create the problem. That is the truth.
Noone except other step parents get it. You are right these SDs seem nice and polite. Noone really wants to have mine over though. Funny that. In my case the BM seems to use her as a pawn and at the moment is keen to fob her off to us.
Truth is when she is not here, we have peace except if I am still fuming from her last 7 days sitting in the middle of the house doing nothing and going nowhere.
I feel terrible being honest because I wanted to like her and bond. Trouble is SD16 is not nice about anyone, does not interact with the world properly and is self absorbed beyond any reasonable level.
Do not go insane and hang in there. She wants you to lose it. She wants her permissive parent to herself. Life feels good when you have Disney Dad or Mum to bludge off. You are inconvenient to her. Keep going and stand back and let that lazy parent start parenting. I have done it. Hard as hell but worth every ounce of effort.