"Family" Dinners with BM
FH and I, (FH more than me) decided on trying out a "family" dinner with the BM once every couple of months. This is to show the kids that we all get along, and that they can't pit one parent against the other. FH and I agreed to try it once, and if I have any misgivings, we won't pursue them anymore. BM was agreeable, but at that point, she would have agreed to anything we said. (Ladies: Keeping records are extremely helpful, especially when you can circumvent court by showing BM all the proof you have of what a shitty parent she is). I'm pretty iffy on that. Not sure that is something I want to subject myself to. Maybe if this was suggested last year when we were all getting along, I would feel differently. But with everything she has done and tried to do, I just don't think I can sit thru an entire meal with that woman. Maybe coffee. I think we should start small, and meet for coffee first. What do you guys think?
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She's not family
My knee jerk response is "Are you nuts???""
But I can understand what you are trying to do here and I certainly respect you for that. I think your idea of starting small is a good idea. I would also keep it in a public setting so that everyone is on good behavior. Are you going to discuss specific topics or just keep it casual?
Glynne
Keep it casual. I'm thinking
Keep it casual. I'm thinking more and more of the coffee idea. We can meet for the exchange somewhere public, go over things that happened with the kids, chit chat about that stuff, then say our goodbyes. We actually met last week (w/o kids) to discuss court papers that were to be filed, and after FH, I had a little chat with her. I was upset about certain things, and let her know how I felt. It went pretty well.
Wow, you are brave!
I think it is good for the skids to know you are communicating but dinner? That sounds above and beyond to me.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
2Bloved
Nice! I know it's hard... but you are really trying and that's great. What more can anyone ask of you?
Having said that, I would keep it casual. I think a dinner is too long and could lead to everyone being uncomfortable. Coffee, or even an outing for ice cream if the kids are going to be there, could be something fun. Also, if the kids are there, going outdoors to a ice cream place would give everyone an "out" because there are other things going on to look at, comment on, etc.
We have never had BM over here for an entire dinner, but we have had her over here for HOURS just talking. More than I wanted, but hey, it does show SD we are trying. Funny enough, there were times when SD was not as comfortable with this as you might think.
It may not be you, nor your DH, nor even BM that asks for this to stop...it may come from the skids!!
Best of luck to you!
Wow.
That sounds risky, but I totally understand. We used to do a volunteer gig with the kids where BM was there, too. It was a little uncomfortable for me, but I really liked that it sent the signal to the kids that we could all work together and be cordial. That is, until BM threw a fit with another volunteer for "siding" with us on something and not only stopped going to the volunteer gig, but rounded up some of her cronies and took them with her. So much for maturity and presenting a good image to the kids...
Anyway, bravo for trying to do this. Keep it something that you are comfortable with, and short. Good luck (you may need it), and don't let her use this to try to gain the upper hand.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
The Crypt Keeper, thank God
The Crypt Keeper, thank God would never agree to anything like this. Hell, she wouldn't even invite us to one of the skids birthday parties, let alone have a "family dinner". I like to keep the boundaries how they are; mom and dad love you, but there will be no more family dinners the way they used to.
I had a birthday party for my 8yr old back in January and her dad and his family (new wife included) came. I'd be open to having one with BM but she's still way too emotional (or bitter)for us to even function together. Her choice, not mine. The only time she's capable of being some what friendly is when you're playing by ALL of her rules.
Just be careful. You don't want to give kids a sense of false hope (mom and dad having dinner with us like old times etc).
I've learned that our kids (my 2 and DH's 3) adjust well when there is peace during the pickup/dropoff, not talking crap about the other parent etc. Being friendly is key, not necessarily(sp) friends.
"I aint no Carol Brady"
ARE YOU CRAZY?????
why in the world would you want to do that? those skids dont give a damn if you get along with their bm or not. they will play everyone against each other no matter what. thats how skids are! thats their trade mark (among other things). dont let bm into your life like that. those skids need to just accept that when mommy and daddy seperate, then its OVER and they are not to be together again for ANY REASON!!!!! allowing bm to dine with you for be around you for long periods of time can lead to disaster!!!! trust me i ahve been there!!!! read my posts!!!!
Evilbitch
So I get the feeling that you think it's a bad idea....
Glynne
LOL
I'm getting that feeling as well......
All I know is...
If you can pull this off...you are a better woman than me!!!
Best of luck!
No effin way!
No way would I break bread with BM...you are crazy girl LOL
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
Sure!
I would totally have dinner with BM....if I could make her meal....Bwahahahaha.
Truthfully, no way in hell. I'd rather drink my own urine than have to sit in the same vicinity with Chewie and listen to her garbly gook bull honkey. No. Way.
The thought is nice, and if you think you could stomache her for a few hours, then go for it. Showing a united front for the kids is a great idea...if it can be done. Unfortunately in my situation it can't be, which I honestly find a little sad.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost
exactly my thought!
You're too funny, "if I could make her meal" that is SOOOO something I would say!
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
If this works for you, then have at it,
I would rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I am not.
however, I think there are many more ways the stepchldren can see the parents getting along without having to mesh the two families or homes. Open communication, parallel parenting in both households, events for the children ect. My personal take on this is that opening this door can lead to crossed boundaries and I am not a glutton for punishment, but hey, to each their own.
better than me!
lol...I'd probably shove a fork in exbeasts eye if I was sitting in a meal setting with her }:)
BUT, I have the utmost confidence that if you choose to be in that setting you will conduct yourself with dignity and grace:)
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
My SS would be happy
But only because his Da da and Mommy are having dinner together... NOT because I was there having dinner with his Mother... frig... although I can see the benefits... I don't know that I'm a strong enough person to do this!
I thought about that aspect
I thought about that aspect of things. I would not want the kids to think that mommy and daddy are going to get back together, but I don't think that will happen. We've done ONE thing together, which was a back to school night before FH deployed, and that was pretty awkward. BM and I both volunteered for a school event a month later, and that was a little weird. It was just me, her and the kids. She just kind of tagged along behind us until I left a little while later.
I'm not concerned with the kids developing false hopes. It's been five years since the divorce, and they are completely attached to me. This is more for FH and I, to circumvent all the crap BM has tried to say against us to the kids. It'll be hard for the BM to uphold this crappy image of FH and I when the kids can see us actively trying to be friendly.
2Bloved
Exactly!!! BM's family over here trashed DH and I and DH's family and DH and I always were pleasant and civil. Kids notice. I know that for a fact.
Done it!
We do family dinners every few months. Sometimes in a restaurant, sometimes BBQ here. Ex brings her hubby sometimes with her. I would never eat at her house though! LOL
Um, due to weather and scheduling and other stuff, on 2 occassions, she's even had sleep-overs here with the kids. (Not actually in the house- our "game room" is in a garage, separate from the house. But she went to bed with the kids, and they all came in for breakfast together...) Does that make me crazy?
"I HAD to pick the road less traveled..."