How do I correct 4 yr old manipulative behavior of my boyfriend???

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 yrs and we live together. He has a 4 yr old daughter that I love. She loves me but always has to have her dad's attention. If he is sitting with me on the couch, she jumps on his lap. If he is leaving, he'll kiss her goodbye, when he kisses me goodbye she yells EWWW (normal for a kid). If we are talking, she says "daddy, daddy, look" he'll say "what" and she will have nothing for him to look at so she'll make something up really quick. She's so jealous of our relationship and he doesn't see it at all. He thinks that I'm the one whose jealous. I am a little bit jealous but only because I feel left out. He will as her (a 4 yr old) where she wants to go eat or what she wants to do, then he will tell her to ask me if I want to go with when I'm sitting in the same room as them and can hear the whole conversation. She's 4, him and I should be talking about what we are ALL going to do or where we are going to eat then going there, that's the decision of the adults. Before even talking to me about it, he'll ask her if she wants to go somewhere (in front of me) and then if I don't want to go, they will go without me. It's like they are together in their own world and I'm just an outsider and it doesn't matter if I'm there or not. He is so attentive to me when she's not there but the moment she arrives, it's all about her and I don't exist. I understand that he misses his daughter and I thought that this behavior would pass but it's only getting worse. She will now go as far as trying to sit between us or constantly doing things to get his attention away from me, if she sees us doing something together, she will make sure she stops it. How can I get her to stop this behavior? I can't get the help of my boyfriend because he's too busy wearing his blinders. To top it all off, he feels really guilty and trys extra hard to entertain her this time because supposidly she told her BM that she doesn't want to come here because we "spank" her and are too "strict" on her, we NEVER spank that child! Some advice PLEASE!!!

5577's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

This is so common it's

This is so common it's nauseating...but first off, is he noncustodial? If all he gets is 4 days a month, the bad news is you are going to have to adjust your expectations probably. Second, you should talk to him about how he reacts to her and what bothers you about it. The behaviors from her will follow his lead. You'll have to tell him what is acceptable to you in pretty plain language and hopefully he'll be able to meet you on those. As far as what the BM is doing...you can't do anything about that except try to ignore it.

I've dealt with some of

I've dealt with some of this. My relationship with Scooty (SD5) is great, but she does have her jealous streaks. If we want 15 or 20 minutes to ourselves midday, FDH has to plant her on the couch in front of one of her shows and tell her to stay put. We then go to our room and lock the door, even if its just to sit there in the quiet together! We're having to work on her sitting in between us on the couch. Sometimes I don't mind, but some days I just want to sit next to my man! She'll pout, but b/c FDH is on her instantly she's learning. Only advise I can give is talk to your BF and help him realize this is in his control. Good luck!

"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."

Oh yes the lying, my SD does

Oh yes the lying, my SD does it all the time---not as often anymore but I could never forget.

She lies to get more attention from BM, and then BM calls you BF, then BF gives SD more attention becuz he is worried about why she would lie. It is a win, win for her and unlikely to stop.

I stopped the lying (or lessen it) by pretending it wasn't happening. H ignored it and so did I. Once she realized that we didn't care what she said or what BM thought she stopped. SD10 started this at 4 and stopped at 9 1/2.

Every child is so different, I wish I could tell you how to stop this but I just don't know how. It took us years to get a grip on it.

((((HUGS))))

Now is the time for DH to

Now is the time for DH to explain to SD, that she is the child and you are the adults - and the adults are in charge, not the child. If he WON'T do that, it will just get worse, trust me!!
_________________________________________________________
"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers

I agree with Most Evil. If

I agree with Most Evil. If he does not help, it will just get worse.

It took a counselor to knock mine on the head that "10 year olds to not sleep in Daddy's bed on a regular basis!"

I have the same issue, it is not a novel thing. For some reason, Daddy's little girl is over stated much more on a guilty Daddy after divorce. Your SD is also heading for a life of entitlement. It will hurt her more in the long run and that is what these guilty daddy's don't understand.

I know I am about to say to heck with it and if she gets pregnant at 13, it is his problem, not mine.

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm