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Lazy Step daughters

Abbie23's picture

Hi, I am new here. Been married for 4 years to a man that has 2 girls age 13&12 from previous marriage. And now we have our own 17 month old son. In this 3 years, I've been dealing with SDs laziness especially the 13 year old one. The 12 year old SD sometimes helps out in the house especially watching their baby brother when I'm busy doing chores but the 13 just sleeps until 3 in the afternoon. She'll come out when hungry and won't clean up after herself. Just toss her dirty dishes into the sink and leave her extra foods on the table and wait for me to clear up for her. I feel like her nanny. We keep reminding her repeatedly to at least rinse her dirty dishes and put in the dishwasher but she's not listening at all. I talked to DH about this issues over and over and he has the same response "yeah, I'll talk to her about it" and yet nothing happens. There was a time when I ask her to watch her baby brother while I prepare their dinner. She stays for 3 minutes and she was gone into her room. I called the daddy instead since the baby was crying. He called her back instead and let her watch him again. What she did was pushed the playpen into the kitchen where I was cooking and said that she can't watch the baby that long and she left again. It was crazy. But since I am neither their biological parents, I always stay calm and make sure not to say anything to her about it. I basically do everthing in the house. Cooking ---- Washing dishes---- cleaning the 2 story house with 4 rooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 living rooms and the kitchen of course. I am not complaining doing all these stuffs since this is what a housewife really do but I think it's not also bad asking for a little help from them especially from the eldest. It's too much for me to vacuum every rooms while carrying baby on my waist (He is scared of  the sound of vacuum). Knowing that I also have an asthma. She is the laziest girl I have ever seen so far. Besides that, she also complains for everything. She complains about foods, music in the car, the place where we go, the restaurant  where their dad decided to eat and a lot more. Just yesterday she was complaining that I cooked the fish toasted. And today we went for a short travel somewhere and she was complaining a lot of things on the trip. It's ruins everyone's mood. She also starts a fight her sisters a lot. Calling her sister disgusting and whatever. I don't hate her. I like them both actually as I treat them both as my little sisters but I just don't know how to motivate her to help in the house. Sometimes I feel so tired and depress. I don't know what to do but cry in my room. I have no one to talk to until I found this site.  I am also dealing with anxiety. Your advices are appreciated. 

Comments

Harry's picture

Don't cook, or clean.  Let DH cook for her.  Do not take her anywhere, no eating at restaurants with her.

Why be unhappy eating out, or going anyplace with her.   Your biggest problem in DH. He not parenting his DD.  He should make her respect you. 

Abbie23's picture

Hi, thanks for replying back. DH talks to her over and over. I can see that he does something about the issue but very minimal. He just more on words but no actions. He end up with the idea of giving them allowance a week if they meet all the standards such as helping in the house, doing homework etc but end up giving it for free . I mean it doesn't matter if they don't do anything in the house they are still gonna receive their allowance. It doesn't help to motivate at all. I'm quite of talking to him about this because at the end he'll say I  have lots of complaints and I just have to relax and be positive. 

Cover1W's picture

Stop doing it for her. Leave her messes for him to clean up. He doesn't fix it then he deals with it. Yes, you will have to live with more mess but it will ruin you if you continue to clean up after her.

I had the same problem. DH never required either SD to clean up. So he does it. To this day, YSD14.5 will leave her dirty dishes in the sink (there's a dishwasher!), And I leave them. When OSD was here it was so bad I started throwing dishes away or washing them then donating them (because they must not care about having dishes to use).

You're in the place of having to go hard line, clear boundaries. No need to get angry just stop doing them. If you husband asks, tell him he's welcome to do it since he hasn't yet solved the problem.

Harry's picture

Don't cook, or clean.  Let DH cook for her.  Do not take her anywhere, no eating at restaurants with her.

Why be unhappy eating out, or going anyplace with her.   Your biggest problem in DH. He not parenting his DD.  He should make her respect you. 

Harry's picture

Don't cook, or clean.  Let DH cook for her.  Do not take her anywhere, no eating at restaurants with her.

Why be unhappy eating out, or going anyplace with her.   Your biggest problem in DH. He not parenting his DD.  He should make her respect you. 

shamds's picture

as a new mum with a full on toddler, it is not your job as a sahm to be a maid for lazy people!! 

You do not prioritize cleaning and chores over caring and nurturing your child!! 

You certainly can do the basics like wash your laundry but some days are so full on!!

5 weeks post birth of my daughter i cried. Hubby was about to leave for work... in those 2 days i slept a grand total of 2 hours with an extremely colicky baby and a dipshit husband who would complain how bubs interrupted his sleep during the night.

i enforced a rule that if hubby had nothing positive to do to fix the situation then shut the eff up!! Thats been a rule enforced over 4.5 yrs ago which he has followed well.

i cried at 5 weeks post birth because the day before and since the previous 5 weeks, i never got to have breakfast, lunch and dinner usually was eaten around 10-11pm. Hubby knew how bubs was crying continually and he would come home at 8-9pm from work and claim ss17.5 wanted to eat dinner out and hubby said it was better me and bubs stayed home (it was like we were such an effin inconvenience) so my dinner was cold and eaten at 10-11pm after hubby got home and i was stuck with the baby afterwards.

the day before i cried, ss piled all his dirty dishes in the sink. He used up all the clean ones from the dish rack. When there was no more clean plated cups or cutlery, you would think he would wash it but nope!! He went in the cupboard for more clean ones.

the next morning i cried and when hubby got to work and later messaged me i told him i was not his lazy eff of a son’s effin maid!!! Hypocrisy is his mum did no housework and skids see me and been brainwashed to see me as the whore stealing their inheritance, i have been demoted to maid.

hubby immediately from work yold his son to clean his dirty dishes. He actually told daddy he didn’t know he had to clean his dirty dishes. Are you kidding me?? Hubby told him its not my bloody job. Dipshit ss told him it should be my job as the sahm... eff you!! 

Dipshit even told my bil this and he promptly put this dipshit in his place.

please dear god go on strike. Hubby addresses laziness now... tell him skids do their own laundry, their own dishes.

those early days believe me my ss tried to not do it. He would dump dishes in the sink and  claim water pressure was low. We had buckets of water on standby for this reason. I would go to the sink and ask hubby “who’s dishes are these??” Hubby wasn’t gonna wash them unless they were mine because i am busy doing housework or dealing with our kids so he shouted at ss to march out of his room and wash it

ss most pathetic excuse was water pressure is low so instead of being able to wash it within 10 seconds it might take 20. Hubby said don’t bs him, water is fine bloody wash it.

i will tell you now... i do not like my skids one bit, i do not love them as my own, i do not like them as my siblings too. Bio mum is on crack bragging to others how i love her kids like my owm.. ummm no not ever!!

if you want the stepmum to love or like your kids, teach them manners, respect, consideration of others. Teach them that stepmum is not a whore stealing your inheritance despite making daddys life complete and happy, do not demote her to the slave or daddys whore, she is not your butler because you wanna be a lazy pos!!

 

tog redux's picture

Your DH needs to stop with the "talking to her" and start with some consequences.

In the meantime, leave anything that she dirties in the sink and have DH clean it up when he gets home. Maybe if HE has some consequences, he will pass them on to her.

I will say, though - it's not her job to watch your baby, at all. If the other one enjoys watching him, pay her to be a "mother's helper".  And if neither of them do, then pay a neighborhood kid to do it.  Older siblings aren't obligated to be free babysitters, and it shouldn't be one of their chores.

beebeel's picture

I mostly agree. Watching the baby for 20 minutes while she cooks dinner for everyone isn't asking too much.

There is a difference between that and expecting the older siblings to always be responsible for the baby.

tog redux's picture

No, that's not a big deal - but clearly this kid isn't going to do it. I'd suggest she make the skid help with cooking while she watches the baby - that's more the skid's responsibility than the baby is. What would she do if she had no skids? Put the baby in a baby chair in the kitchen most likely. 

Helping around the house is everyone's responsibility. The baby is hers and DH's, not the skids'

beebeel's picture

The only reason I cooked big meals while my child was an infant was to feed the DH and the skids... I would have been perfectly fine eating a salad every night. And if these kids are anything like most around here, asking them to help out by actually preparing some food is a hell of a lot more to ask than playing with their sibling. 

I am a huge advocate against forcing older siblings into the caregiver role for younger kids. This is not that.

tog redux's picture

That's true, good point. The alternative would be to stop cooking for the skids, I suppose.

 

beebeel's picture

At their ages, they can do their own laundry and vacuum their own rooms. My skids were responsible for cleaning the bathroom they used. They would also take turns doing the dishes after dinner. That way, all the dishes left in the sink all day were their responsibility as well. 

I was a SAHM with two teenage skids and a baby. I stayed home to raise a BABY. Not to clean up after perfectly capable almost-humans. And the last time my SD whined and complained when we took her somewhere....was the last time I took her anywhere.

Time for you to put your foot down and declare new house rules.

Abbie23's picture

There was once I stopped cooking meal for them and let DH take care of them instead. But she hates going out with him as she doesn't like the restaurant that he decides to go. So she will stay home and ask me if there is a food she can eat. One of my weaknesses is to see them or her skip a meal or go to bed knowing that she only had a piece of bread for dinner. So, I will end up running to the kitchen and prepare something she can eat. I normally put the baby in his high chair with foods everytime in the kitchen doing something but there are times that he gets fussy and just want to play instead of sitting in the high chair so that, the time I will ask one of them to play with him. The 12 year old always helps me out without asking her to but sometimes she has other chores to do . She also prepares food for herself with my assistance of course. They share bathroom and only the 12 year old cleans it. Those times I asked 13 year to play with baby was when 12 year was not available.  SD13 has lots of requests but does not wanna help at all. Just today she got upset that no one dries her laundry. She was expecting me to do it for her.  Everyday I wake up I'll baby his breakfast while his eating I'll start preparing everyone's breakfast (DH and SD 13 are picky with foods so have to cook different foods every meal) then will knock each of them in their rooms. They'll go out and eat food then back to the room. I'll prepare lunch and knock them again then come out eat food and back to the room again and will do the same for dinner. And of course 13 year old will either leave her dirty plate on the table or dump in the sink. I stopped this recently and she ended up sleeping till 2 to 3 pm. Then she started complaining that no one wakes her up anymore. But again I feel bad and guilty when she skip her meals. That's my problem too. 

Cover1W's picture

Stop helping her get food, period.  She's 13!  She can do it herself.

And if she shuts herself away and no one comes to get her OR (more likely) she ignores it, too bad. I did this with OSD too - she knew full well when dinner was and I always told her it was ready; until I got sick of her attitude. So I just stopped telling her it was ready. DH had to do it.

Unless your DH allows you full parenting responsibility WITH authority to correct behaviour it will not get better.

Abbie23's picture

Yes. I will stop helping her. Today, she's back to her BM leaving her clothes in the washing machine so I let DH do it for her. I'm going to let him help her instead if he won't a good job motivating her. 

Abbie23's picture

Or maybe I just expected too much from her because when I was in here I can do lots of chores. I remember when I was in first grade, I'll go with my mother wash clothes on weekends and I'll wash my own clothes without my mom telling me to do so. In my country we wash clothes by hands. It was not perfect but I remembered I was so proud for that achievement. 2nd grade I started helping wash dishes. 3rd grade, the first time I cooked rice with my mom and older siblings assistance. Then when I reached 6 grade I can already do a lot without them assisting me. I even helped watched my nieces and nephews. So, I think everyone is different so I'll just accept that. 

Cover1W's picture

I had to accept this as well, that my parents did a good job raising me to be independent and if the skids parents, not you, don't do that it's not your problem - UNLESS they never leave. I impressed upon DH that my wanting the SDs to do their OWN things and take more care of thier things/tasks as they got older was because they NEED those SKILLS as an adult.  This got through to him somewhat.  Not altogether though.  I then made it clear no skid to live with us after the go to college; the only exception is as many have stated here that if they are full time college, or a full time job AND there will be a lease and there will be household expectations and rules to follow. Just be aware it doesn't end.

Linda2020's picture

I had to deal with that same junk even from my own biological stuff. Before me and my husnad got married my DS called me the "cleaner Person". I could have smacked her into the hall with the toliet brush. I talk to them how my Mama would have talked to me. They don't do the chores I have given them to do on a written piece of paper I will start taking away things as punishment. Good luck...