It would be a wonderful Christmas miracle if this were to happen with my FH. And it would make EVERYONE happier. But I just don't see it happening. He will continue to torture himself because that is what he is "supposed to do." He considers the idea of having other children whom he can raise with the values we share (his ex essentially cut him out of all real decision making from day one) almost insulting and a "replacement of his present children. Needless to say, this is an issue for us as I have no children!

I wish that he could come to grips with the reality that he simply has no impact on his children. He never did - even during the marriage - because that was how their mother wanted it and he failed to recognize it until it was too late.

Yep I have made similar statements about my dh and (some) on here called him all kinds of names...then some said what if he left you and your kids how would you feel? Then I though about it ....but its diffrent strokes for diffrent folks...

My dh has finally started doing what the man in your story is doing, and our marraige is better...he no longer "acts" like her husband anymore by running all kinds of errands and breaking his back trying to attend "ALL" activities that they are in, he pays his child support and provides health insurance and does not give her one extra dime.

As for the boys, they get into so much trouble at school, but because the grades are ok their behavior alot of times is over looked by mother and her new husband, dh tries to dicipline them but two or three weeks go by and they come back SAME WAY....so whats the use? He hs not GIVEN UP on them, but what can we do besides take them from her? We have two small kids at home now, and even they have started picking up bad habits such as hitting and violence because of being exposed to violent video games and watching them wrestle and fight and think its ok ...which upsets me so I remove them from the area ..

I say its just a reality of being DIVORCED it sucks but hey.....dh has another family NOT to replace other kids, but dh has a diffrent priority now. Its only natural to be in a routine with his new wife and kids ...no more extra days spending the night cause dh has to help get both small babies ready for daycare with food, milk diapers, diaper bag, lunch for the other one and drop them off ..(I help too) the ss's are 8 and 9 and the 8 year old cant stand still for 5 minutes he is jumpin and dancin and bouncing and is even on medication???? The other is very manipulative by making little "comments" to try and get his way like saying to his little brother "Dad said we are going for ice cream" me and dh look at each other and said who told you that...

All I can say is get ready for the storm a few people on here might let you have it !!! Be prepared

I agree completely. BM doesn't want DH in "Her" daughters life, but she does want the payment she receives each month. BM is raising SD completely the opposite of how DH would raise a child. I see DH is slowly accepting that he is not a big influence in his daughters life, but he has learned that he can be a role model type when SD is here with him. I do wish my DH could just accept that no matter how hard he fights for his rights, his visitation and for SD, he will never really be anymore than what he is right now..Even if he were to get custody, SD would withdrawl from him even more for "taking her away from her real family."

My point; I agree completely. Most of our DH's would be much happier if they could slowly accept this aweful truth. I think most of our marriages would be much happier as well. And, I do feel that DH and I having two children together has helped him cope some how because he is able to parent the way he wants and be involved in EVERYTHING.

Hindsight being 20/20 and all...it probably would have been best if DH had given up attempting to "co"parent with a psychotic woman who was out to ruin as much in our lives as she could. She has PASed out the oldest and since SD18 got kicked out, I've noticed changes in SS17 so she is obviously transferring her campaign of hate from her BFF (SD18) to him.

HOWEVER - knowing how COMPLETELY psychotic PB is, if DH would have done that (which by all intensive purposes, should have given her EXACTLY what she wanted: plenty of money without having to share the skids), she would have FLIPPED about him being a deadbeat father for not pining after his/her children (depending on whether they are in trouble or not. If they are in trouble, they are HIS kids! LOL)

Either way, I think if my DH would have chosen this route, my last 12 years probably would have been SO much easier.

Just wait til this person's son gets older and wants money for more things!

I think my DH has done this to a certain extent. But once SD got older...like mid to late teens, he was asked for more involvement; in other words, BM and SD wanted more money, so while he sees SD less, he is handing out more and more money. He has no say in what it's for, but it seems he's no longer interested in why and just hands it out because he's required to. He just is tired of drama and conflict, and will be minimally involved to keep things quiet.

Honestly, I think taking that viewpoint is a mature and realistic thing to do if the circumstances warrant it. My FDH has primary custody of three skids. He's doing everything he can to raise them and instill his values in them and minimize the (lack of) values of their BM.

He also has another daughter (2yo) with BM2. He was not married to BM2, they were already broke up when she realized she was pregnant, she told him she could not have any more children (oops), he's 12 years older, she lives 2 hrs away, etc. He told her he did not have the time or resources to be a father to another child while already raising 3 alone. He was very conflicted about his role in this child's life. When he learned that BM2 gave the child her last name (and not his), he realized that he would be of minimal influence in her life, all things considered. He pays child support faithfully. He sees her occasionally and wants his daugther to know that she has a daddy and that her daddy loves her very much. But, he realizes that he won't be able to raise her or play a huge role in her week-to-week life. I think it's really helped both he and BM to maintain a healthy working relationship. He doesn't try to micromanage or question her decisions and she doesn't expect a lot from him.

Personally, I think this falls under the addage of, "Accept the things you cannot change."

And then there will be the complaint of the disney dad. If he has no influence on how they are raised why should he bother to discipline them during their visitation or TRY to at least instill some of his value system on his former children.

I would have to say that I disagree. The only reason is because I would never be able to be with a man that has "given up" or "quit fighting" for his children. I have a very strong personality and I am drawn to people that are very strong in their beliefs and ideas. I understand that it is impossible to raise a child with two different house holds and two different belief systems when there is only fighting going on between the parents, but I dont think that I could have much respect for a man that just does the bare minimum for his kids and leaves the tough parenting to the other parent. This is just my thought I understand that everyone has different circumstances and different factors but with who I am as a person I could never be with a man that did that.

She's probably talking to my SO too. The following is just my opinion on the matter:

Because SO is able to see the difference (with the help of a therapist, actually, who told him he will not have the same influence or relationship as a regular intact family would and to accept that as a reality) he is able to move on. He pays his CS, has given up on visitation for now (no money, and no desire to fight and turn the child's life upside down), is happy and would like to move on with his life. He is super excited to get married and to have children with someone he actually cares about, to raise them the way he would like to, and not a wanker who thought having his child would keep him to her.

IF I was a crazy BM who has thus far tried to maliciously destroy SO's life, hell yeah I'd get whatever I deserve and if that is the way he feels about my child, I pretty much caused that too, because I don't LOVE my child enough to not be a raging psychotic, so I expect him to love a child I turned against him? In my wildest, twisted dreams.

At a certain point, when some people have tried everything and exhausted their resources, financial, emotional, or oftentimes both, they either let it destroy them or they move on. He chose to move on. You won't let him see the child? Fine, wait until the child contacts him and show him ALL the proof that he tried. You want to manipulate the child to hate him? You can't hate something that is, for now, an abstract idea. You want to rage and scream at him when he tries to contact you, fine, no contact (even though that is exactly what you want,) wait until the kid is older and foster a more natural relationship. If he doesn't want a relationship with us when he grows older, we accept that, but will be here if he needs us.

Sometimes I feel that people are fighting for the "mine" mentality. It is my RIGHT to be their father and all it entails, regardless of how much toxicity and harm it causes the children, because it isn't my fault BM is so unreasonable.

This is just the personal road we've taken though, I do not judge anyone who "gave up" because I don't view it as a failure. I know people who spent their entire lives up their child's ass, and had nothing to show for it. My own best friend now no longer talks to her mother, screamed that she hated her and cut off all contact, even though the woman raised her through three failed marriages (failed due to lack of attention to her spouse's wishes, letting my best friend rule the roost), even though my best friend was her mother's WHOLE WORLD. No spouse/significant other, no friends, now no child.

So people can spend your life like that, I think people who do that have made a choice, as have we. You can't please everyone, and if you try, you'll end up pleasing no one.

I think my dh has given up on raising ss with any morals or values. He gave up on the idea of being a big influence in ss's life a long time ago. However, he occassionally has "attacks" of guilt in which he seems to agonize over the fact tht ss doesnt live here, doesnt visit regularly, etc. I am not sure he is actually agonizing over the the fact that he misses his child (as he has spent up to a year away from him and all the kids)so he's pretty used to NOT being a daily presence. Instead I think he agonizes over the IDEA that his son does not reside in his home.

I would be happier if he didnt not have these "attacks" as things will be moving along fairly well for a couple of months and then BAM! He'll have an attack and he does not have it quietly but somehow feels the need to involve me in it each and everytime. Leave me alone for chrissake.

However, my issue is that he wants to "give up" that's fine-but it also ends up meaning that he is NOT raising his son at all-meaning if he visits he gets free reign but rules and restrictions are being imposed on my kids. How can you parent one kid in the household but not the other-even if the other is only here every other weekend?

But my question is- what about the organic tie we ALL have to our bios? The man in the original post seems bloodless, I don't care how bad the situation, if my DH and I split and he got the kids, I would fall on my sword again and again for them, I can promise you that. Maybe I'm being pollyanna, but the reason I think the men don't give up is because they're DAD. Let me be clear- I'm not bashing anybody. Just my POV.