Is It Normal for a Husband to Be This Weird Acting During a Pregnancy????????
I'm due to a son with dh in 3 months. This was an unplanned pregnancy and for the first 3 months we were both pretty apprehensive about telling everyone. My husband's apprehension was based on his embarrassment about not being totally financially secure. My apprehension was because my dh was embarrassed. It kind of made me feel ashamed and inadequate that my husband was so worried. Anyway, almost six months in, and my husband isn't still isn't discussing anything related to this pregnancy with me or anyone else. Not even with his/my own family. When people bring up me being pregnant, he will go as far as to change the subject. He is very unsupportive. I got sick at work on Saturday (I work for my md) Once I was released to go home, I called him to tell him I'd fainted at work and that I was on my way home. He wasn't the least bit concerned. He just said "ok...call me when you get home". LOL...I wasn't expecting a parade, but a "are you ok?" "are you sure you should be driving?" or "is everything ok with the baby" would have been more normal than "call me when you get home". Now mind you, he couldn't offer to pick me up because he was at SS9's football game (he's at the football field from 1pm-7pm every saturday, 5-9 pm Mon, Tues and Thurs...and no....SS is not good at it at all) When dh is home, he's usually downstairs watching tv for hours and I don't even get a chance to talk to him until it's time for bed. (God forbid I interrupt a football game) When I ask for some time for us just to talk, he usually gets an attitude and just says "about what...if you have something to say, just say it". LOL....yeah like i really want to talk to you with that attitude. I feel so disgusted because I have always accommodated him, his lifestyle and his son. And that same care is not reciprocated. Ooooohhhh, and mind you....we don't even discuss the pregnancy around ss. The last time I even mentioned something about it, SS went home and said something crazy to bm about it and she sent a nasty text message to dh about me discussing things with HER son. So now, I don't even talk about it when he's at our house. I just walk around with my big belly hanging out like nothing's changed. And no....Dh is not talking about it with his son either. Ugghhhh, this is just more stressful than it needs to be. I have to already worry about money...but this silliness on top of it is just too much.
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I hear you!!!! Yes, keeping
I hear you!!!! Yes, keeping the kids involved is so important. I don't interrupt that. But I like to kind of keep things in perspective too. Is it so serious that you can't leave for a moment to check on your wife. Like you said...it is a cult, so there are several other parents to watch your kid for you. I promise...you won't miss your son making a touchdown. LOL
Maybe showing off my pregnancy at the field will get a temporary conversation going since dh won't want to look totally foolish by not addressing the "cults" questions. I don't why I feel uncomfortable doing that. I feel like I'm forcing my pregnancy on him, when his support should come naturally. I'm tired of manipulating and forcing...shouldn't we be past that by now? Maybe not. If this is really how second pregnancies are for men, then it really sucks for a woman having her first. Especially after I've had to sit through YEARS of listening to his excitement about expecting his first. Again....for me...makes me feel inadequate. I mean, it's embarrassing when my dad asks how he feels about being a dad again and dh responds by asking how he likes is new Iphone. LOL
Some thoughts that come to
Some thoughts that come to mind regarding men from a female perspective. Please only consider what I am saying and ask yourself if it makes sense:
1. I have often seen men go into their own little world under stress. They want to fix everything, but talking doesn't fix anything (in their minds). That is not 100% true of all men, but it is just a trend I have seen. I have also seen men who are not able to bond with babies until they are born - then real. Perhaps things will change when the baby is born.
2. If you both were afraid to tell people (i.e. talk about it) early on, when did you explicitly tell your DH that it was okay to talk about it now? Did you simply want to talk about it and not tell him that? Remember, some men need to be hit over the head. (Don't say "Oh, those flowers are beautiful." two weeks before your birthday. Instead, say "I would love it if you bought me flowers for my birthday." then remind him again in a week.)
3. Your DH probably feels like a failure financially (however he has defined failure in his mind). Tell him that you know he is working hard (name some specifics no matter how silly they may seem even if he just consistently takes out the trash or attends SS's sporting events. ) Tell him that you see him as a good man and a success as a father/man/partner, whatever in any way that you can imagine. Be truthful and even petty in building him up.
4. Ignore BM. She's probably 15 different flavors of crazy. Live your life with your husband and new baby as you see fit and ignore crazy.
5. When DH asks what you want to talk about, reply with "I have some ideas of how we can fix some things I was worried about." If he asks help me with what or some other smart aleck response, reply with "I love you. Let me know when we can talk about some of the ideas I have about what needs to be done." Be very vague, but focussed on solving a problem or having a plan of action. NEVER, under any circumstances, tell a man "We need to talk." That's code for "You're a$$ is definitely sleeping on the couch tonight; I just want to make sure your dumb a$$ knows why."
Anyway, those are some of my thoughts and how I would handle it. You know your personality better and you certainly know your DH better than I do. LOL Hang in there and congratulations on the baby! <<<>>>
Sueu2...no I don't believe he
Sueu2...no I don't believe he wants this baby. I've done what you've said, and it's been ignored. Yes, I admit, dh is very good at disengaging...especially when it comes to me. It does appear that I'm not much of a priority to him. Me complaining on this site is a last resort. LOL I have been working on this man for 5 months now. I've done everything except go to the football field in a "cute" maternity outfit like nowhave5 suggested.
I agree Echo...I know so many
I agree Echo...I know so many people say men need to "see" a real baby before they connect, but this his connection is so limited. It's to the point that he's making me feel bad or wrong. I'm tired of fussing and trying to get him to see things my way. He just won't!!!!! I knew he wasn't READY for a baby...HELL, neither was I. Slip ups happen and I even considered terminating. I just couldn't do it. But, I've had some months to get used to the idea, and I am. The difference between him and I was that I WANTED children, but apparently he did not want anymore. Anytime we discussed this before our marriage, he always said "if we can afford it, we can have as many as you want". Looking back, that was probably an easy way for him to say "no".
My husband isn't a bad father. He bends over backwards for his son. I always appreciated that about him. The bad thing is that I know my son won't get that and I feel so bad for him already.
Also, for some reason, some of his current behavior toward ss seems to indicate that he is trying to make up for something to him. It's like he sees this pregnancy as taking away from ss. He has said that in previous discussions that he never wanted ss to miss out on anything because dad had other children. Maybe this is probably part of the problem too. I'll never get him to admit to that though...he's gonna stick to financial obligations. yes, I probably will be a single mom. At least I've got a wonderful dad, stepdad and brother for some masculine influences for my son.
Yeah, I don't care HOW
Yeah, I don't care HOW disengaged a guy is from a pregnancy - or needing to SEE a baby before feeling bonded or whatever...
I have never had a child with my DH. If I told him I fainted at work and was going home, he would immediately express concern for me, if not immediately rush to my side to make SURE I was ok.