Hubby not happy
I don't keep anything from my HB. But when I told him that I joined this blog, he got upset. He doesn't think I need to talk to strangers about how I feel. I explained to him that when I try to talk to him, he tunes me out, gets mad at what I say or discredits my feelings. I told him that it felt good to have people to talk to that are going through the same stuff. I tried to discuss how much it bothered me that his ex doesn't do anything for the kids and I was mad that she never participates in their school activites, but I do. I was pissed because ex accused us of not keeping her informed of the school activities. She didn't show up for Skids Fall Festival. I had emailed her 4 different times about it. I'm tired of being that womans babysitter. He said I get sick of hearing about her. You bring her up and that just ruins the evening. Which yes it does ruin the evening. HB never confronts BM about any questionable parenting. Like shipping the kids to her druggy brothers house instead of staying with her. Which isn't much better cause she's right along with the CROWD. HB answer to me is I can't control what she does with the kids. But I say that's BS. They have already been taken from her once by CPS because of stupid stuff. I don't know whether to keep my mouth shut or continue to express my thoughts???? Help!!!!!
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You can't please everyone everyday so today wasn't his day!
I have never told him I blog here. He knows I go to therapy, and I have begged him to go with me, but he refuses. Men keep things bottled up while women need to talk about our problems.
I can't seem to keep my mouth shut either when it comes to the injustices I see happening in our home caused by his ex, his son, and his parents. I realize it makes DH mad but why should a 12 y.o., his ex-wife, and his controlling parents manipulate the mood, plans, and overall workings of our marriage and home? I'm trying really hard to stay quiet. I'm finding that the longer I do, the better things work out. I always tell DH I'm Cleo the Clairvoyant and can sense when one of them is about to pull a crappy move or makes him look like an ass. 9/10 times, I'm right and yet he still denies there are problems. I guess denial is a river in Egypt in his geography book.
You'll never be able to get BM to do her fair share. DH's ex is always crying she needs more time with "her" son but when the opportunity arises, she never wants him because she has plans, meaning a party or she's trying to find a new man to suck dry. It's annoying. Why should I take care of him if his own mother doesn't want to do it?
Yes, I do have a hard time keeping quiet. I guess you have to find a peaceful balance for yourself. I have to ask myself what can I absolutely let go of and forget about vs. what I can't keep bottled up inside. That has been the hardest thing for me to do. I refuse to allow our home to become a pigpen so I let it all out when it comes to Dh's son doing chores and cleaning up after himself. I've finally given up on telling DH everytime his son doesn't do his HW or fails a test and the teachers are complaining to me about him. DH doesn't care so I'm not fretting over it either.
I guess it's called picking and choosing your battles and standing up for what you believe in and the way you expect to be treated.
Again...alwaythemom,
It's like we have the same life,if I bring up his Ex,something like someone I see in town will stop on purpose to tell me the latest in BM'S sordid life and I will come home and tell him about it, he gets mad at me????? I don't want to hear ANYTHING about that woman,why can't you just leave it alone..yada.yada....He REALLY loves to stick his head in the sand about those 2.(meaning his daughter too,who is being trained as I type this to use and abuse people and MEN in particular for their own personal gain)Like right now,he is in there in bed,DEPRESSED, was snappy earlier,when I asked him what's wrong, he says,"of course" NOTHING! Well, I can bet you he will tell me about something concerning those two (OR DAUGHTER) in a few days,what his daughter did or she called him....... and naturally, he WILL NOT CALL HER ON HER BEHAVIOR, but I and our son, will have to tiptoe around him, because of his daughter's BEHAVIOR,THAT HE REFUSES TO CONFRONT HER ABOUT!But all I really see her doing IF HE SHOULD CONFRONT HER, is, tell him what she "thinks" he wants to hear,to keep THINGS HUNKY DORY with dad!
hangingin
I totally understand where
I totally understand where you're coming from. I think it's healthy for you to talk or express your feelings. Repression is the worst way to deal with life (believe me!been there and done that). I know venting to a bunch of strangers is strange to some people but if you keep your identity private or even create a new email address if your husband feels uncomfortable about privacy. Seriously this site is a bunch of us that are in the same type of situation that is difficult for a lot of people to understand how it feels to be a stepparent. I often feel sad and hopeless when my fiance doesn't understand my feelings about what it's like to be in my shoes. It's so hard to be a stepparent and I can't even explain how painful it gets sometimes or how frustrated it is, but keeping hope alive and venting is probably the best solution. Hang in there!! If your husband is mad about you venting somewhere else then maybe you might want to ask him
Avalin
I vote for keeping your mouth shut.
Ultimately, the children are HIS and HER responsibility, not yours. One of my top five rules for surviving stepparentdom is that if it's not your kid and it's not your ex, then it's ultimately not your problem. Your husband should handle all dealings with the ex. It's his responsibility, not yours. And if he chooses to handle things differently than you would or in a way that you consider unsatisfactory... oh, well. His kids, his call.
As a stepparent, we can give as much or as little as we feel comfortable with. I give quite a lot. Lots of stepmoms are more of a mother to their skids than the BMs are. And that's great, but we have to remember that any responsibility we assume for our skids is something we VOLUNTEER to do. It's not something we HAVE to do, so if volunteering makes us angry, then we can STOP. Instead of complaining about having to do something for the skids, just stop doing it. We have to be careful not to lose site of the reality of the situation and that reality is that ultimately, the children are the responsibility of the parents. You can't make your spouse or his ex raise their children the way you think they should be raised.
As for being BM's babysitter, the only reason you ARE is because you put yourself in that position. If you want to help out your husband by handling some of the communication with her, then that's great, but remember that it's not YOUR job. If you volunteer to be the one to email her, then you give up the right to complain about having to do that job. If that job is too stressful, then stop doing it and make the children's father step up and do the emailing. At any rate, ONE notification is enough. You don't have to send her four reminders of one event. You are not her babysitter. No one put you in charge of making her parent her children. Let it go. If she's a miserable failure as a mother, that's her problem.
Another rule I have is this: No matter what, you can NEVER control what goes on at the skids' other home, so don't even try. Your husband is right on this one. If there's a serious issue that needs to be addressed, then the children's father needs to be the one to address it and if it doesn't get resolved to your satisfaction, well, accept that this will happen from time to time and make adjustments on YOUR end. Learn how to let go. Choose your battles wisely and before engaging in a battle with anyone, ask yourself this: HOW AM I DIRECTLY IMPACTED BY THIS ISSUE AND IS IT A BIG ENOUGH DEAL FOR ME TO RISK MY RELATIONSHIP, HEALTH, HAPPINESS AND EMOTIONAL STABILITY? If the answer is no, then disengage and let the chips fall where they may. If you have a problem doing this, refer back to the first rule and remember that if it's not your kids and it's not your ex, then it's not your problem.
Your hubby is right in that he can't control what she does with the kids. All he can control is his reaction to it. If it's serious enough to warrant the involvement of CPS, then report her. If it's not, then let it go. Either way, this is his call to make. And the fallout from his decision-making or lack thereof falls on his shoulders, not yours. Don't engage in battle with the BM and don't engage in battle with your DH about the BM. Just by choosing to fight these battles, you are setting yourself up to lose the war.
One of the hardest things to do as a second wife and stepmother is to disengage and let things go. Example: We know that the skids should wear warm jackets in cold weather. We can send an email to BM reminding her to make the kids wear warm jackets on cold days, but we can't make her actually do it. We can tell DH that the BM is sending the kids out in t-shirts and no jackets on cold days and ask him to speak to her, but we can't make him call her up and ask her to enforce the warm-jackets-on-cold-days rule. We can try to teach the kids that they need to wear cold jackets on cold days, but we can't always be there to make sure they put those jackets on. So what do you do? Nothing. You can't make BM put jackets on the kids. You can't make DH fight this battle with the BM and trying to get him to fight it will only wreck your relationship with him. You can't think or act for the skids. So you ask yourself the questions... Does this directly impact you? No. Is it a big enough deal for you to risk your relationship, health, happiness and emotional stability? No. So what should you do? Nothing. You brought it to the attention of BM, DH and skids. There's nothing else you can do, so stop spinning your wheels over it and let it go. (Hint: The more you do it, the easier it gets!)
~ Anne ~
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Wow
Thank you so much. I never thought of things in that perspective. I feel like I have been put in this position of "mom" by HB and BM. I just fear for the future of my Skids if I don't step up all the time.
Mine Either
My DH doesn't like it that I use this website either, but it has really been a life saver for me. I mean, let's face it, if it weren't for the way his ex-wife and BD act, I wouldn't have needed this site! So now when I talk about this website I try to make everything sound POSITIVE. For instance, I told him about how everyone banded together to help Madison, or I told him about using "flylady.com" as a way of creating healthier habits, etc... Now that he can see something positive coming from my use of this website he has backed off on all of his criticism.
I love this site too!
After discovering this site, I have been able to tell my story and get great feedback from all of you. I have even shared stories with my BF...the ones that sound just like our drama with his ex...and he can appreciate the fact that there are others out there that have to deal with similar issues and are willing to share their stories. My BF is very supportive of me using this site to get support. He knows how it has helped me feel at ease with our situation with his ex. His ex is a complete psycho and at times, we both don't know how to handle a situation. But when I tell my stories on the site, you all give great advice and have good insight.
Maybe all it will take is reading some stories that sound similar to yours so he can see that other people share your pain.
I get requests from DH
You can't rent space in my head, I reserve the right to evict you.
DH will come and ask me to post about a situation because he likes the feedback. He likes hearing other solutions to whatever problem he's currently facing.
Not to mention, he really enjoys the horror stories because they remind him that he doesn't have it that bad, it can always be worse.