The Biggest Issue I ever had to face
Hi all, I want to start out by saying what I am going to write will bring up alot of emotions. I am not proud of what I did. I am not making excuses either. I was on pain pills for my chronic piriformis syndrome and lashed out at my 12 year old step daughter via text. She told me over the weekend she was bi. I didnt know how to handle it and insteak of contact all of the parental units involved I decided to write her and say that its not entirely socially acceptable I cannot accept this lets talk more when she is older she is way too young to make these choices. She wrote back in defense and than I told her what bisexuality was. Not a smart move on my part. Everyone involved totally distanced themselves from me and my fiance is at a loss for words. I have tried to apologize for what I said to her and I am not allowed to talk to her its been almost 2 months since I have seen or heard from her. My fiance is trying to make things right. I dont know if my little girl will ever trust me again. I am so against bullying and yet here I am bullying her. I stoped all perscription meds and I am working on my self worth and self esteem. During this time my finace had back surgery and was recovering him and I have gotten into some arguments and she has witnessed and thinks I dont care about her dad and I was being mean. I just wish we could be a family and get through this. I should of never acted out of anger and emotional impulse. I am the person. She tells all her secrets to and I am very clsoe to her and I fear what I did totally destroyed our relationship. I just miss her.
- Amanda8's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Not that bad
This is a major problem with our culture. We’ve exposed kids to so much they never knew about before, and now you have (1)kids thinking they’re bi when they don’t even know what it is, and (2)everyone overreacting if you don’t throw them a ticker tape parade when they “come out.” Maybe you didn’t handle it the best, but neither did anyone else. This isn’t unsalvageable; it’s just going to take some time to work through.
I was 11/12 when I knew
I was 11/12 when I knew something was "different", but I hadn't been exposed to or told what "bisexual" was. It wasn't until high school that I heard friends talking about bisexuality and went "ah yes, that's this difference!"
What a teen needs when they feel "different" is for someone to work through that thought process with them. It's for someone to answer questions and help them understand who they are.
We don't have a problem helping kids work through it when it's heteronormative behavior:
"Oh, look at them - their first kindergarten relationship! Holding hands and hugging!"
"Oh yes, little Timmy is her 3rd grade 'boyfriend'. They do everything together, and it's so cute when he gives her a big hug."
"She has been talking to Dave every night this week and is just so giddy. I think she really likes him. He asked her to go bowling with his family on Saturday."
Kids are sponges and absorb all of that, internalize it, and assume it's normal. So when Dave is really Sally, but no one noticed that you were flirting it up with Sally so they don't make the cute little remarks, you know something is off.
Also, no one expects some big parade for coming out. They just want support, or a neutral response. There are still *many* people who lose their minds when they hear it, and LGBT people just hope for the best. Do teens have a flare for the dramatic? Yeah, because they're teens. But they also have a right to be upset and cut off relationships from people that they don't feel are in their corner - which is something EVERY adult is told to do when people present in a toxic fashion. And telling a teenager how they feel (which they can't control) is wrong is toxic.
I think the adults need to
I think the adults need to get your sd some mental heath. She is 12 and is thinking about things that she is too young to be thinking about. Very sad
12 isn’t too young to be
12 isn’t too young to be thinking about your sexuality. I had crushes around that age & likely younger. If I was having crushes on both boys & girls, I would know something was different than my friends.
This kid needs support & people she can talk to, same as any other kid who might be confused about having a crush on someone for the first time.
I started my period at 12. At
I started my period at 12. At that age, my body signaled that it was ready to bare a child. I had boobs, armpit hair, and started getting pubic hair. All in all, my body was telling the world that I was physically ready for sex.
So why would you think that a preteen who is physically maturing and readying for sex wouldn't also be mentally maturing in the same way? The hormones that changed my body are also the hormones that made me find others sexually appealing outside of someone just being cute.
A kid in puberty is a kid thinking about sex. Those thoughts may be abstract. They may not have the right words or understanding. But don't think that once a kid hit puberty (which is 11-12 for most girls) that the mind isn't also changing right along with the body.
Also, any therapist who treats a 12 year old for "mental health issues" due to them coming out as LGBT is doing so against medical ethics. It's one thing to address issues that evolve from coming out, such as depression because your family doesn't approve. It's a whole 'nother to try and "treat away thr gay".
Wow what backwards mentality.
Wow what backwards mentality. She's 12 not 5. Children at the age are developing crushes and sexual feelings. Yet when it's a child expressing their like for the opposite gender no one bats an eye.
You did some pretty
You did some pretty significant damage. This girl has trusted you and you destroyed that trust. Instead of helping her work through what she was thinking/feeling, your response was to tell her she was just wrong and you couldn't/wouldn't support her. Despite what she was telling you having ZERO bearing on your life.
I'm glad you realize you were wrong. I'm glad you are getting your mental health in order. But so long as you view bisexuality as "wrong", SD is likely going to stay away. She no longer sees you as someone in her corner, and while she may be able to forgive her parents or more distant relatives of similar views, she's going to have a hard time when the person who feels that way about her was someone she cared about enough to be the first, or one of the first, people she turned to for guidance in this. You were who she thought she could trust, and it turns out you weren't.
So leave it alone. Get yourself right. She'll either come back or she won't.
It appears that I am the
It appears that I am the voice of experience here.
My OBS 16 is bisexual. We have a lot of friends in the LGBTQ family. We also live smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt. J, my son, came to me just before his birthday saying that he needed to talk to my about something. I assumed he had tried drugs or gotten hold of some booze. It was a relief to find out it was sexuality. When he saw my reaction, it made it easier for him to tell his dad (we are a regular family unit). He said he knew he was bi in 6th grade (age 12). My other son, D, is 14 and straight. Kids know a lot more than we give them credit for.
I am an alcoholic in recovery, as is my DH. I know what it's like to say stupid things while under the influence. I also know that once things are said, they are not easily forgotten. What you said to her can damage her for the rest of her life. No, I am not saying that in a snowflake way. She is at a tender age and trusted you with her deepest secret only to be shat upon. Leave the kid alone. You cannot fix this. Let her decide what she wants. Her mom and your fiance are doing the right things. They are protecting her from more mental issues. My own kids have scars mentally from seeing us fight along with their stepsister's shenanigans.