Stepdaughter coming back now that quarantine is over..
Since she's been quarantining at her moms, (she didn't want to but she had to go there bc her mom would never have been okay with sd quarantinning with us bc she's codependent on sd.)
Simce stepdaughter has been gone I've noticed how her father, her brothers and I have gotten into SUCH a good rhythm.
The boys stay on schedule, they get a good amount of my attention and their Dad helps with cleaning up after dinner, something he has never been consistent with before, etc. We have been really really happy basically. Only really argued once in 3 months.
I realize that for the last 11 years we have always almost acted as if when stepdaughter comes, a lot of rules go out the window. Regardless of how I try. Ex: She will come downstairs after I go to bed sometimes and sit with her dad and be super chatty (she talks to me all day when she's here, it's not that she dislikes me) and in turn he will sit instead of doing anything productive to help around the house and then I end up getting annoyed with him and then he's annoyed with me, but he has Aspergers so I can't expect him to understand a lot of my perspective. He also brings his "A-Game" for her I call it. When she's with us he wants to sit at the table for dinner (which I love!) but when it's just the boys and me, he doesn't care because it's not his WHOLE family. (That hurts! Like the boys and me aren't real?) he will also be motivated to go see fireworks at July 4th or go to church on Sunday...when it's just the boys and me ...he's too tired to come.
WHAT can I do to to make sure we don't lose our great rhythm when she comes next week? Btw, hubby totally understands when I tell him, he just won't realize he's doing it bc Aspergers. She also gives us no privacy (very needy can't be alone) so it's hard to say anything bc she's ALWAYS sitting with us. Is that normal? I don't think it is?! I love her, but my kids deserve consistency and their mothers attention .
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Man, that really sucks
Man, that really sucks, doesn't it? SD9 lives with us full-time and the rare occasion that she is with her BM is my absolute favorite time ever. My SO isn't annoying. My kids are in great moods. I'm much happier and more relaxed. The awful part is that she only goes to visit her BM for about one week every couple of months. This summer, she will be over there for four consecutive weeks and I am beyond excited! I'm sorry that your SD throws off your rhythm. Based on everything that you said, it doesn't seem like there's much that you can do to change it. Although it does sound like your DH can make some adjustments that could make a difference. I totally understand your frustration and I feel for you, but just be glad that she doesn't live with you full-time.
Since he is Aspergers.. you
Since he is Aspergers.. you know he won't pick up on subtle cues from you. He knows that too... so it should be very acceptable for him to understand when you have to tell him directly that "he is doing it again".. of course, in a nice/loving way.
You should definitely have that conversation... directly too..
When you only want to do "family" activities like eating together or going to church when SD is here, it makes me feel like the boys and I aren't important enough to warrant full family status. I understand that it isn't always convenient to do these things.. but I think it wouldbe nice if you would participate in some dinners and church.. even when SD isn't here.
I think that you may need to give him a little bit of slack on the fact that since she isn't there full time.. he might take the chance to spend "extra" time with her.. because he doesn't see her every day.
Maybe you could decide on a code word/question when you need to speak to him privately?
And.. I'm not sure how her beiing up his behind makes your kids lack your attention. You should be free to do things with your kids when she visits.. no need for them to be neglected by you.. even if dad is pre-occupied with his daughter that isn't there full time.
But.. yes.. it is an adjustement when a person comes in and out of a family unit.. everyone needs to adjust... it's not always easy.. but this is not her "fault".. she doesn't have a choice on her visitation.. this is the only way she gets to see her dad.
Eh, "I have Asperger's so I
Eh, "I have Asperger's so I don't know I'm doing it, " doesn't fly with me. People with Asperger's are usually really smart, and while they may lack in social awareness, they aren't completely unaware of their own behavior.
If he needs a reminder from you, then give it to him directly. Call him in the other room and tell him he is doing it again.