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stepkids

annie82's picture

Submitted by annie82 on Sun, 06/27/2021 - 2:34pm

I have not been willing to let out my feelings because it would make me feel bad but i just can not anymore

my problem is i don't like my stepkids sometimes  it's more like i have mixed feelings towards them.sometimes when they come over iam all smiles and tolerating them but sometimes i just resent them being in my house messing up my things and just being in my space,i have prayed about this and still i feel some sort of resentment towards them especially when i look at them i just see their mothers face i just get really angry 

how can i learn to just tolerate them without being annoyed by them or changing my mood because i have absolutely tried and i can not

Comments

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Sun, 06/27/2021 - 3:04pm

You are having a totally normal reaction that all of us have had at one time or another.  If these weren't your SKs, if they were a friend's children, you would also be annoyed sometimes if they came whether you were really up for it or not.  So, please don't beat yourself up about this.  You sound like a good, sincere person.  I'm sure you are doing the best you can.  Step-parenting is a difficult situation with many pitfalls.  All you can do is all you can do.  We cant force feelings. We can treat the kids politely and civilly and make sure they are safe and cared for in our homes.  Sometimes warmer feelings develop, sometimes not.  Good luck

 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 06/28/2021 - 10:17am

I kind of subscribe to the "fake it till you make it" mantra in a case like this.  Kids are annoying.. and skids are tough because they can be a living, breathing piece of the Ex in your home.. a reminder of that relationship.  They may also have their own issues to deal with from their parents.. the way they have been parented etc.. and sometimes the personality of people just don't blend well.

My OSD's personality is not my cup of tea... YSD and I are well matched.

But, it may be a muscle OP can exercise here to an extent.  Try to find something about the child that is interesting.. or somethign the child is interested in..find a trait or a talent you can admire and focus on that more than the things you dislike.  Try to repeat to yourself that they can't help their genetics and that they are individuals in their own right and deserve to be taken at that value.

Then... give yourself the freedom to disengage.  They are your spouse's kids.. they are not necessarily your responsibility.. pick your battles.. don't set up a list of 100 new rules that they now have to adhere to when their parent wasn't doing that previously.. tread lightly in not setting great expectations for the kind of relationship you think you should have and have the relationship that develops.. whether it is close or just a more basic civility.  The kids may also not like the pressure to "happy family" with someone that they don't know and didn't get a "choice" in having in their home.

Suffice it to say, it can be tough for everyone.. but trying to at least foster a KIND environment..can go a long way to making everyone at least have a pleasant life... and if you need to get out of the house more.. read in your room to recharge.. have a decent bedtime so that the kids aren't always present all night.. there are things that can make it bearable.