Your son is not a tool, but you are!
In a previous post I wrote about BM needing to call SS9 every single day to “help him study” his spelling because he got ONE bad test grade. She wanted to call him outside her parenting time per the CO, and my SO said NO. She persisted, she manipulated, she begged, she threatened court, etc. My SO still said NO.
So instead, she used her son as a tool to get her way and assert her dominance. She told her son she’d be calling every single day and that it was scheduled, so SS was like “okay cool.” This is a thing. Has no idea that it’s not actually going to be happening or had any thought otherwise, he’s a kid, why should he. She manipulated the situation so that if she calls and can’t study with her son, she’ll blame us. She’ll say “oh you kept him away from me” and in return SS will think we’re evil and won’t let them talk.
She can’t come into my household and tell me what my schedule looks like, mess with my structure, my consistency, and make the rules. When it’s her time it’s her time, but when SS is with dad, we make the rules.
We respect her time, so what is her problem? Can she be any more deceitful and manipulative‽ Using her own son against us? It’s sad and absolutely disgusting.
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I feel like it is completely
I feel like it is completely unnecessary to have lengthy calls every day and would view it as an invasion of both my DH and my time with the children. Between your last post and this one it seems like overkill.
Last visit YSD phone broke half way through the visit and it was literally a blessing. Maybe have times where the phone needs to be put away comepletely or time limits.
Another option could be you or DH saying it is fine with you to talk to her but while you are here I would really like to try and help you with school problems. Or present yourself as an option. That way it isn't like you are trying to cut her off and appear as the bad guy.
The final option is the one
The final option is the one that I would choose.. DH needs to step up and tell his EX that he is going to work with his child on his homework.. maybe BM worries that it's not taken seriously by dad? and I can see "one bad grade" as a sign of decline.. and she wants to not see it drop to more bad grades.
Tell ss that he has done
Tell ss that he has done nothing wrong but that BM did not discuss the scheduled calls with DH and it to worry about it because DH or you will study with him. This is just BM trying to control DH time and DH can either allow her to do it or he can ignore her call. The courts are not going to care as long as you are letting her talk to him on the times that the co states. DH could also communicate with BM that he understands she is worried about kids grades but he will make sure to study with him on his scheduled times and she can worry about it on her scheduled times. How would she like it if you were calling on her days?
Hi All, thanks for the
Hi All, thanks for the feedback! As always, appreciated. I debated deleting this entire profile last night in a fit of frustration with myself. But maybe ill give it a chance. I’m conflicted lol
Anyway! Yes, SS talks to his mom, per the CO, three times a week for anywhere from 1hr to 3hrs. We always accommodate this because she lives in another state and it’s important to have a relationship. I don’t like that the FaceTime calls take up all his time on those days, but it’s their relationship and I respect that. Other than that - it’s dad’s time, our time, family time. And if not family time, at the least time for SS to be off screens doing his own thing like soccer or playing with friends.
My SO plans on following the CO the T, but is of course not saying SS can’t talk to his mother - he would never. We just don’t need to be scheduling hour long calls every day during dinner time. It’s invasive and disruptive. We simply had to explain in our home we take care of homework, chores, dinner, showering, etc first before we go on screens texting or playing games. If he chooses to use his screen time to talk to mom, that’s not an issue. This is about her scheduling EXTRA mom time during dad’s.
Homework is taken serious in our household, which is why Dad and SS go over it every day together after school. Dad can handle it and I practice writing with SS every weekend just the two of us. We got it on lock. We don’t need extra help during SS’s time with us. SS is with us 70% of the year, and he’s thriving just fine. Last time I checked, both myself and my SO have college degrees not to mention passed the 3rd grade ! We can handle some spelling words.
I get it! Continue to stick
I get it! Continue to stick to the CO no matter what. Remain consistent and call BM bluff if she wants to have a fit. You have a routine like most parents in your house hold and you want it to run smoothly without interruptions, that's understandable. If there are other kids in the house you have to tend to them also. BM doesn't have that so she may not understand that you have structure (as you should).
Keep your head up and maintain your boundaries.
Much appreciated! I’ll be
Much appreciated! I’ll be honest / this hasn’t been the easiest last few weeks with BM, but it’s really showing my SO and I how aligned we are in terms of values and healthy boundaries as a couple and as a family. I’m more than grateful for all the lessons that come out these tough situations - It’s just hard when you want to provide a stable environment for a child that you care so much for while maintaining your sanity through the mud.
I'd give SS a watered down
I'd give SS a watered down version of what's going on. Something like "BM is allowed to call during these specific times, we asked her not to call during those other times to respect your dinner time and allow us to function as a family here too like we allow her to do with you when you're with her."
Just something simple. But there's ZERO reason you guys should go down for her immaturity.
We did something like that
We did something like that with the least amount of words and the most amount of respect as possible so it was gentle and factual.
I grew up in a divorced household with a lot of turmoil, so it’s super important to me that SS see and respect both bio parents and their partners as well as understand he didn’t do anything wrong. It’s a super fine fine fine line with kids. I don’t want him being all messed over his mother’s need to fight or invade - just want the kid too have a consistent household by us. Whatever happens with mom is out of our control anyway.
That's why you have to be
That's why you have to be careful. It's not about destroying respect for BM, just giving SS some of the facts so he understands WHY you're declining the calls. That way you can't be vilanized and he understands. I'm sure he's grateful both parents want to be involved.