About SKs-are you of the belief that "If they are old enough to dish it out they're old enough to take it" or
do you believe that you can let them know you're hurt forcefully but without, as some say, "stooping to their level?"
For me, I feel better when forcefully addressing it without "stooping to their level." I say something and call them out on the spot and let them know I'm hurt, but don't "stoop to their level." This is not just applied to my SDs but others who also act like this. If someone is giving me a dirty look I'll say, "Is something in your eye, so-and-so?" Or if they're saying something negative about me, I will say, "I should tell you that doing this has helped me. I'm on track to mastering this/becoming the top of my group because I did this :)" It disarms them.
I know many of us here have differing opinions on this so all I ask is that this doesn't become an attacking free-for-all. We've seen enough of that here lately.
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^^^OMG the gerbil references
^^^OMG the gerbil references are killing me! I'm having these visuals of gerbils now and just cracking up. Thanks for the laugh!
Oh and you make a great point too.
"I don't hang with gerbils"
I think you should do what
I think you should do what you personally are comfortable with.
For me it depends on the age of the person I am dealing with, their relationship to me, and what kind of person they are.
If it is a small child I just ignore them as I don't have any small children that are important in my life. A good person who is having a bad day - pretty much ignore them too.
But if it is truly an evil person going out of their way to hurt me I will call them on it. And it might not be pleasant for them. I don't yell or curse in a situation like that, but I can hit below the belt if needed. And I don't really care about being the "bigger person" when it is someone that I just want removed from my life.
God your SM really did a
God your SM really did a number on you! I can't imagine how that would feel. My SM and I always got along even though she's only 6 yrs older than me and she didn't come into my life until I was 18 anyway.
I'm sorry you had a bad upbringing with your SM. I feel for you.
StepA, sorry but your SM
StepA, sorry but your SM sounds like a real fucking bitch. There, I said it, if you won't.
BTW - I absolutely LOVE Camille Grammar.
Me too, I can't help it! I
Me too, I can't help it! I watch my mouth around DH's dad and grandparents but other than that, I'm pretty much uncensored.
^^^This is how I feel. When
^^^This is how I feel. When I first came into SD14's life, she was 12 and was literally running the show. I was sweet, nice, caring, tried to be her friend, etc. I did everything for that little snot. All I got in return was disrespect, lies and betrayal. I no longer bite my tongue in front of her. If she says something hateful to me, I do take the higher road for the most part and would NEVER call her names or tell her to fuck off (in my head I do) but I definitely let her know I don't take her shit and I'll knock her down a few pegs.
More power to ya! If SD
More power to ya! If SD continues hurting her father the way she is, I may just lose my shit on her one day. I can't say it WON'T happen!
If someone (depends on age,
If someone (depends on age, person, etc.) is going to dish it out, they better be prepared to get it back, especially if it was intentional.
There is nothing wrong with a person defending themselves and not being a doormat to other people's bullshit. And there is always a good/tactful way of handling it.
You don't always have to take the high road but at the very least know your audience and respond accordingly. IMHO.
I am generally a nice person.
I am generally a nice person. However, I can be snarky. I have a dark sense of humor too. Some people don't get dark humor.
If you ask me for my opinion I will give it as honestly as I can. I do try my best not to be mean and hurtful when I give my opinion but sometimes, my honesty has caused conflict because most people don't want to hear the truth, they want to hear what they want to hear.
With that said, I think that I tend to give out what I receive. If someone is cruel to me, I can be cruel back. As far as Skids and Kids go...I guess it depends on the circumstance. Would I tell a skid/Kid that they should've been a swallowed load? LOL...No, probably not. Would I tell a Skid they are ungrateful, lazy & undeserving of their father? Yes, I would.
You brought up the "swallowed
You brought up the "swallowed load" comment and I searched for the original thread but I think it was deleted. I wanted to show my DH that one.
I'm the same way as you are. Honesty does sometimes cause conflict but I'll always be 100% honest. And yes, I give what I get. I was criticized for that on the other thread, but I stand behind it. If you shit on me, you'll get the same back.
The admins must have deleted
The admins must have deleted it.
And, I still do not feel bad for what I said either. He has abused me and pushed me to the breaking limit for years.
Oh well. I described some of
Oh well. I described some of the posts to DH from what I could remember and he said "well, she did what she thought she had to do, for that, no one can fault her. And besides, no one knows the whole entire story anyway". I agreed with him
I think honestly that if
I think honestly that if parents in todays world didn't live so child-centered and put kids in their place we would not have the almost total destruction of nuclear families and marriages we have now. KIDS are allowed more tolerance to disrespect an adult then the other way around, BECAUSE they are kids.
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God you are sooooooo right! Had I ever talked to my parents the way SD does, I'd be knocked into next week and my parents were in no way shape or form abusive. We were raised with respect and that the world DIDN'T revolve around us. The kids now are the centers of the universe and spoiled so fucking badly and the parents claim no responsibility for how they behave. Disgusting.
I'm not saying my own DD14 never has a spoiled rotten moment, but she's graceful, humble and was raised to always be appreciative of what she has and to treat people with respect. SD, on the other hand, is only 6 mos younger and you can see YEARS difference in her behavior, attitude and intelligence (lack thereof). Hell, this kid couldn't empty the trash and replace a bag in the bin at age 12...
I think part of the
I think part of the child-centric behavior is a RESULT of rising divorce and destruction of "traditional" families though.
I mean, children of divorce have the benefit of two parents fighting for their love and affection. Add in a step parent on each side .. it easily multiplies out to how many sets of grandparents? All focused on one kid.
Parents have a share in the responsibility too, but there is much more to the equation than just lazy parents who don't stand up to their kids.
Just my two cents
I would definitely agree with
I would definitely agree with you on this, but DH said SD's behavior started LONG before their divorce because of the way he and BM raised her. They gave in to every demand, they spoiled her rotten, they allowed HER to run their lives and marriage. Whatever SD wanted, SD got. They failed to discipline her, make her responsible or accountable for anything. They raised her up on this high pedestal and allowed her to make decisions a child should never be permitted to make. They made HER the queen of the house.
So, when they split, she was 11 and continued to rule her parents only now she had that much more power since guilt set in. She was seriously a dictator, telling her parents exactly how it was going to be, what they were going to do, etc.
She was a product of poor parenting, not divorce.
Yeah that's definitely the
Yeah that's definitely the case sometimes too. I've seen it plenty of times; especially in families where the parents were raised by less than stellar parents - it becomes very cyclical. It's usually the exception when a parent comes out BETTER than their own parents because they make the choice to break the cycle.
I just think the rising divorce and changing "standard" of family in America as a whole has led to the change, ya know?
I mean, if we were all raised at home with strict parents who taught us respect and values and responsibility, we'd all probably be better parents. It doesn't help that what has become socially acceptable or unacceptable has drastically changed as well .. in all areas (casual sex, spanking children, fashion trends, social media, television, etc).
I know parents can choose to be better .. but I think there is a whole set of other factors involved.
I'm just lucky enough to be married to a man that sees things a lot like I do
I would never speak to any
I would never speak to any person like that. Whether it be a man going off to war, a child in my care, or an elderly stranger on the street.
It's just who I am. I don't think I pussify anyone. What ever happened to treating people the way you want to be treated? I suppose that's all fine and great unless you don't get the results you want, so you just dish out whatever you feel like. I'd be afraid that would be the message I would send to my skids if I behaved that way.
But again, that's my situation; yours is different.
I think your story got blown out of proportion, and possibly taken out of context (none of us are intimately familiar with your family or dynamics).
But I also think you taking your specific story and the not-so-unreasonable reactions you got here, and trying to explode them to some greater commentary on the state of childrearing as a whole in the US is .. well .. silly.
I was replying to this
I was replying to this portion of your post:
"ON the load thing- people are all bent out of shape, the kid is 16 yrs old- in TWO years he can go to war and have his face, leg, body blown up and go kill people and be surrounded with army duded and all the vocab/atmosphere that brings- but he can't handle being told he should have been a blow job from a pissed off step-mom he pushed too far?"
My answer to that question, in my own behavior, is "no". If you weren't the original poster of the "load" post, that's fine too, and I apologize for making that assumption. But you sure do write as if you'd have no problem doing the exact same thing .. so my comments still hold true.
I apologize if you take that personally.
You should've seen what hell
You should've seen what hell popped off when I posted a blog about decking my 15 y/o BS across the mouth for back talking to me. I agree that these kids today are completely out of control. I for one am not putting up with that shit in my house. If I am your sole provider, I break my back giving you a comfortable life and then some, then I damn well DEMAND respect. I'll tell you this much, he hasn't opened his mouth to me like that again. I promised him I would leave him without a tooth in his fucking mouth if he ever does it again.
I remember that one and
I remember that one and supported you. I (and my exH) get compliments all the time on DD14 about how well she behaves, how polite and sweet she is. SD - quite the opposite.
It's all in how they're raised. Same as dogs (as me and another poster mentioned dog training concepts can be used with raising kids). If a dog is properly socialized, disciplined and TAUGHT how to behave, they are great companions, but if they're spoiled and never made to behave, guess what? They bite the hand that feeds them...
To play devil's advocate .. a
To play devil's advocate .. a lot of dogs that are beaten often lash out and bite, injuring people too.
It goes both ways. It's all in finding the right balance. My parents spanked me on very rare occassion. ONE time my mother hit me across the face (which I think I deserved). I think I came out okay. I, however, would never lay a hand on my skids.
The trouble with the situations we deal with as stepparents, is that the kids are ALREADY bad before they get to us. We don't have a hand in raising them right from the beginning. So it's a completely different situation.
Apply that to dogs? In MOST cases, a 2yo dog that has never been disciplined, trained, or socialized, will not respond to beatings, yelling, or any type of negative behavior. In fact, most of them end up in shelters, put to sleep, because they can't function in a normal environment. They develop anxiety and stress and most peoples' response is to beat, yell, chain/crate, or give them up.
Too bad some of us can't give up the skids lol }:)
I agree totally and used the
I agree totally and used the dog reference prior to this posting in a positive rewards kind of way. And yes, since SD14 came to me undisciplined, poorly "trained" and not socialized, I tried all the positive reinforcement techniques I know. Tried to be her friend, took her places, opened her eyes to new and fun experiences, let her know I cared about her and was NOT taking her mom's place with dad.
She decided to lash out anyway and try and split her father and I up because she wanted her life to go back to "normal" where she'd be the center of attention and all focus would be on her, as was her reality when her parents were together. She blamed me for her parents being apart even though I didn't even meet her dad until he'd been out of the relationship for almost a year.
Now she's got her head up her mom's boyfriend's ass and ignoring her dad. Can't win with this little twit!
EXACTLY Monkey! I said the
EXACTLY Monkey!
I said the same thing to my H.
Kids used to be EXPECTED to treat their elders with respect. Now they can verbally abuse and harass them for years on end and then the abused parent who finally stands up for themslevs go on trail.
I hate most kids now days. They suck.
If I hold the kids in my home
If I hold the kids in my home to a standard of behavior, I do my very best to abide by my own standard.
Telling kids to be nice and fair to each other, to use your words in an argument, to explain clearly what you want or what is wrong is absolutely pointless if I am to sink to their level and whine/complain/call names/insult, etc.
I'm an adult. I act like it. I'm not swayed to change by kids. We all still have a ton of fun as long as everyone's behavior is up to par.
I'm not perfect, I make mistakes. But I own them as well. Just like I would expect any person (no matter how old) in my household to do.
I prefer to purposefully play
I prefer to purposefully play the victim card if someone is out to victimize me. That's a bit passive aggressive, but I think they have to learn that it's not about what me, someone who clearly doesn't like them and they don't care about, thinks of them, it's what the people WHO THEY DO CARE ABOUT (sometimes it can be strangers on the street if they are people addicted to self display) think about them. So I always try to be where there are others around.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset. I just want to get along etc. etc. etc."
"I'm not sure why you don't like me but if I did something to offend you please let me know so I can fix it, or make it up to you."
I may be throwing up in my mouth, but other people will spread the rumors that I want to, but won't. Mainly that that person is an unreasonable and crazy bitch. }:)
Not everyone's cup of tea, but this one makes sure I come out on top every time.