Our rule is never in front of the kids. We've asked BM to agree to our rule and she's promised. But she doesn't follow the rule. Every time she calls fMIL up to tattle, FMIL can hear SDs in the background. BM is awesome.

Yeah, I'm not sure any sane person would think it is okay to argue/confront in front of the kids. So not necessary or good for anyone involved.

I think that if kids witness BM being disrespectful to SM & there is an opportunity to correct it, it's good for them witness the correction.

I don't think that namecalling, shouting, cussing, etc are appropriate. However, I also don't think that if kids know that BM is treating someone with disrespect, it's good for them to see that she isn't above anybody else, & she doesn't get away with mistreating people any more than anybody else does.

I think that a lot of people don't speak up in front of the kids for the sake of keeping peace, but what do they learn when they see BM being shitty to someone & get away it?

I think if BM says something shitty, it's fine for DH to calmly but seriously say, "I won't put up with you disrepecting my wife. If you do it again, we'll have the police involved." (To suit WWSMD's situation). No need for him to hang around for feedback. He can say it & walk away.

That lets the kids know that BM isn't something special & it reinforces the idea of respecting SM for them as well.

Not in front of SS but he would in a heartbeat. (Sorry, had to edit. misread the original question)

He isn't afraid to confront her in front of other people. She tried to bring me up when he went to her state for SS's birth--we were already dating at the time. His mother and her family were there.

He told her he did not ever want to hear my name or any reference of me come out of her mouth because she sickens him and isn't good enough to even mention me. If looks could kill, DH, when he's angry, could bring down armies. She never, in front of him or to him, ever mentioned me again.

He'll defend me to the moon and back, although sometimes it worries me because he has said, in all seriousness, if BM or her exSO ever comes near me, or if anything happens to me because of her, he'll shoot her without a second thought. To be fair, BM is pretty crazy and violence is not beyond her.

He doesn't do that in front of the kids but mainly b/c yuck doesn't have the guts to say it to his face or over the phone she text him! Yep so he text her back to say that opinion she has of me and my kids to keep it to herself!

Children are not developmentally capable of understanding the complexity of adult relationships, therefore, I strongly believe, and it's what we practice in our house...adult conversations about relationships need to take place in another room away from prying ears. Regardless of BMs crazy, manipulative, jealous, and hateful behavior toward me, I encourage the skids to be respectful, make sure I tell them that their mommy loves them and wants them to be happy and strong...even though BMs behavior greatly contradicts that. Kids don't need the confusion and they need to know they are loved. Adult conversation - feelings, thoughts, frustrations...away from kids.