SD gets all my blame, because she chooses to be the way she is.

If you're talking about who takes the blame for how SK's turned out?

I blame DH, BM and the SK's all equally.

DH because he wants to be the Disney Dad. He believes it can only be here at our house, and with the things he can buy the SK's that they'll ever truly be happy. If you listened to DH describe the BM, you'd think she abuses them and that this is the only place they can ever be "at peace" to just relax (hence the reason for no discipline, no rules, no chores, no nothing.)

BM's a nutter, but the kids are well fed, well dressed, etc. She just tends to focus everything on her, and everyone must revolve around her. She does easily lose her temper, but just yells a bunch of senseless crap. And the kids boo-hoo about her, but what teenage kids don't complain about their parents, right? She's a master at getting everyone else to financially take care of those kids, including the kids themselves. When I came along, not only was DH paying a LOT in CS, but he was also buying all their clothes, buying her groceries, giving her money for gas. Adding up all the time he and his parents had the kids, they were in BM's care probably only 20% of the time. And she didn't work because working and raising two kids was too stressful (her words).

Lastly, as for the SK's. We hear stories all the time of how people grow up in adverse situations and overcome their childhood and become great adults, right? So that's what I think about when I think of the SK's. The way they are now, which at least towards me and my children, is perceived as rude, entitled, selfish, unempathetic, (shall I go on??) is something they have the ability to break away from. However, with the twisted (BM) and guilty (DH) personalities they have had to grow up with they've figured out how to manipulate their parents. As long as they cry to DH about how mean their mom is, DH showers them with guilt-gifts. But as long as they live with their mom, they know they won't have any rules, expectations there because losing them means losing CS$, which is her only income in life. So in essence, they keep the rivalry going between the parents to benefit themselves.

SS 100%

BM was a tramp who got pg on a ONS more than once, but that happened decades ago. I don't like her but she totally stays away. She doesn't realize that her not speaking to us means nothing. Except for when she didn't tell DH of SS34's death. And to be honest that horrible criminal's death meant nothing to me.

BM and DH were not great parents (for what my opinion as a non parent is worth). But again - old news.

In-laws - long deceased before I met DH.

SS is nearing 30. At that age he is totally responsible for his life. He was given so many opportunities at rehab, private schools, etc. At some point in time one is ultimately responsible for themselves. One can't claim poor parenting (not abuse) as an excuse and crutch forever.

SS could turn his life around if he was willing to put in the effort to get clean and sober but he doesn't want to. We have a community college that he could easily attend and learn a trade or go on to a 4 year college. Many people work and go to school to have a better life. He'd much rather be stoned and drunk and party. He's going to end up incarcerated again. And DH and I will do ZERO to help him. (it's so nice to have total control of the $$$)

Oh I lame all of them to some degree. Dh and bm both played into spoiling ss, giving him no consequences, and engaging in some pas behavior. They both did realize their mistake and both tried to stop it- I really think they both genuinely tried- but it was too late. It seems that ss has genetically got the worst of both dh and bm. He has been primarily living with my Inlaws for the past two years and they are truly moralless Individuals. My ss is 15 and wants my Inlaws lifestyle. He wants to smoke weed, not care about school, not work- he had much better homes with both us and bm but he likes it where he is. Fine.