"Planned" children vs. "unplanned" children
I know that a lot of us here have skids who weren't "mutually planned" by our DHs/SOs/FHs. In fact, my DH has told me in private that he feels BM went off the pill to get pregnant with SD13 after he told her he didn't want kids. In fact, this seems to happen a lot in Hollywood too. Tom Brady might feel that Bridget went off the pill deliberately. Whether she did or not, we'll never know. Hopefully though, he loves both of his children equally in his heart.
My question is, do you think that the relationship your partner has/the love he has for his child(ren) is impacted by his feelings about their conception and whether or not they were mutually planned? It doesn't for my DH. He loves SD13 and SD15 equally. However, I know that this isn't always the case. Is your partner closer to the child(ren) whose arrival(s) he helped plan than he is to his children who were unplanned (by him)?
About pregnancy trapping, I have to say that I place just as much responsibility on DH as I do BM for SD13's conception. DH told BM he didn't want any more kids with her. He could have worn a condom just as much as she could have not gone off the pill. I know that this does impact the kids, too. Kids have excellent sensors and can sense favoritism and when they're not liked, among other things. Unfortunately, some kids who weren't mutually planned have made that discovery and it can be very hurtful. I am good friends with someone who made such a discovery, and she always felt bad growing up because she felt her dad favored his kids with her SM over her.
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No, I don't think it impacts
No, I don't think it impacts his love for SS, but I do think that it has a huge impact on his feelings for me, and his trust and happiness in our relationship.
BM turned up pregnant the day that BF was moving out - bags packed into the car and everything. Pretty convenient huh? It worked though, he stayed for another 6 years, albeit very unhappily and unfaithfully. I wonder if she would have done the same thing if she had known then that he would continue to grow further and further from her as a partner, and that their relationship would suffer irreparable damage as a result of her ultimately selfish action...
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
I think alot of things
I think alot of things inpact it. My kids for example. I had my son when I was 16.......I didn't even have my drivers license yet. No lie, I couldn't drive but I gave birth. I probably sucked at being a mom to him. All I remember about it anymore is how much I loved seeing him in the moring, how adorable he was, and how I always thought he must get sick of me kissing him all the time! His father wasn't ever around though......my son and I grew up together. Literally.
My daughter......she was planned. DH and I wanted her so bad. And he's been there, every moment. Theres a huge sense of accomplishment I feel when I look at my son. I don't think it'll be like that with my daughter. With her, any accomplishment she meets it'll be shared with me and her father. With my son it's only shared between him and I, becuase it was always him and I!! We traveled the USA together! We flew from Hawaii when he was only 2 months old, he's been to more states than I have, and I've been to 38 if that tells you anything. We have gypsie blood in us I think!
But with her it's so different. I don't have to be mom and dad. I get to just be mom. I get to not be the toughest parent, he takes up that role. And I absolutley LOVE it! It's all so much easier with her.
If my son makes it to graduate (I can't even think of it without tearing up) it will literally be the biggest accomplishment of my life. I won't even wear make up because it would be useless. With my daughter, I can't say if I'll feel as much accomplishment. I love her so much it hurts! Don't get me wrong, anyone who knows me knows that she is my BABY girl. I totally spoil her rotten! But with my son I helped him to that point alone. And it was hard.
So I know I'm rambling, but what I'm trying to say is that while I feel no love difference between my children, I can definalty see being more proud of certain events with paticular children, etc. My daughter is a kindered spirit of mine, I'm sure of it. My son............while he looks exactaly like me he acts exactly like his father! LOL! So my girl and I will share a relationship that my son and I never experienced, I know that already. But any accomplishment my son experiences through his life I'll feel as though it's mine as well.
"If you don’t adapt and look within yourself, you’ll just keep wading in that stagnant poisonous pool of stepparent hell." author: BitchBitchBarbie
My DH planned my SS with his
My DH planned my SS with his X. Our BS, 6 months, was not planned (they told me I couldn't get pregnant took me off birth control 4 years ago - DH knew this - no trapping here - I was just as surprised).
My SS16 will do and say what ever he wants and my DH defends him to the end - has the patience of Jobe with that child.
Our son - he has made several comments which make me feel like he still has issues with our child. It's not what he wanted out of life with me - he already had a 16 yr old, almost an adult - didn't want more kids, etc.
He is good to our son, yet he shys away from him more when SS is around because he says he "feels weird holding him too much with SS around" Doesn't want him to think he loves the baby more. HE BETTER FRICKING CHANGE IT - I DON'T WANT THE BABY TO EVER PERCEIVE HE LOVES SS MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He may not be old enough to understand now, but he will some day. And actually, he sometimes reaches for my DH and gets a look when DH doesn't respond - so maybe understands a little more than I think.
1Life, that's so sad! This
1Life, that's so sad! This must be terrible to watch!
I would skin my damn DH alive if he dared mistreat our daughter for the sake of his other's. Oh man, this has me mad! Want me to come set him straight?
"If you don’t adapt and look within yourself, you’ll just keep wading in that stagnant poisonous pool of stepparent hell." author: BitchBitchBarbie
We pick up SS tonight for
We pick up SS tonight for the 1st weekend in 2 months because of all of his "issues and crap". I had a conversation with my DH last night.
He tends to not help as much with the baby either, like if I'm trying to take a shower - he puts the baby in the bouncer and lets him scream while the 2 of them chit chat and watch tv. I told him this weekend may be a little rough because it's been 2 months. SS will be laying it on thick to get his way and re-establish himself as the "more important one" over both baby and myself.
DH was warned - we have had 2 months of nice even keel - I will not be ignored this weekend, the baby will not be ignored, we will not be treated different just because SS is here - no disney dad or guilty dad. We've spent the last 2 months retraining him (my DH) that marriage comes 1st, etc. I think its great when he can spend time with SS, it's his son. I'm not a heartless person, I just won't feel like an outsider in my own home and I will not let a child dictate what we do, where we go, etc - (in the past, it usually turns out to be a $200-$250 weekend) - we don't have the money for that.
If he treats either of us different (mainly the baby) - or old behaviors creep back up this weekend, I would personally take SS back to his BM. After a few sessions of counseling - he is realizing just how serious I am these days.
You can do or say anything you want to me - don't F-CK with my son!!
I agree. I think that all
I agree. I think that all children should be treated and loved equally by their parents. If DH loved SD15 more than SD13, we'd have problems!