New here. First time mom and step mom.
Hi there! I'm brand new here. I'm also a first time mom to a beautiful daughter who just turned 11 months old. But with becoming a mother, I also became a step mother. In which I struggle with.
A very quick background of me. Me and my significant other were only dating 2 months when he managed to penetrate through my birth control and became pregnant. My whole pregnancy I got to know him, all the while trying to cope with a surprise pregnancy and introduction to motherhood and sparsely being around his son. He soon moved into my apartment and we set up my spare room for his son. This is when things started going down hill.
He had just turned 4 years old. But when he stayed he would not allow his dad to not sleep with him. He also is still using the term "da-da" in regards to his dad. And he said it constantly. Dada dada dada dada. Would take off his diaper in pee in his pants every night too which caused for so much laundry when he visited. His visits were short 1-2 days but it always lasted what felt like forever. I am always nice to him but at times I had to start putting my foot down. Don't run in the house, stop throwing things, don't pull on the dogs hair then cry when she gets mad at you, etc. I tried to chalk it up to pregnancy hormones but even as my daughter made her entrance it didn't get better, it got worse.
Of course there was jealousy, I expected that but his behavior worsened. I'm trying to keep it short but also give you an insight, for example, one night I was nursing my daughter and I noticed him putting one of her diapers into a candle flame. I told him please don't mess with the candles, that it would catch on fire. Not even seconds later he noticed I was busy with her and did it again! Well safe to say no more candles when he's around. I know it's young boy curiousity but it's just so hard to explain how it just feels like there's more than that.
He also has been gifted well over $700 in toys. Legos. Hot wheels. Stuffed animals. Etc. he will play with them once and then nothing. He plays with her toys. Her baby toys.
I tried to say I was just nervous about being a new mom and living in a small apartment but then we bought a house and it still continues.
The other day she was playing with this Disney Princess train set and once he came in from preschool he took it over, screaming for her to go away or be put on the bed and even pushed her. His dad of course scolded him. But he again went back to playing with only her toys. Not with her. Without her. While his room sits full of toys.
Then my mom came to stay one weekend and he came in and tried to take her blankets while she was sleeping? She told him nicely no honey I'm sleeping and these are mine and he came back and tried to take them again?? Like what?
Then, my mom has a small chihuahua who is hardly 4 pounds and we were watching tv and I heard thump thump thump and he threw her down the stairs. Literally tossed this dog. She was thankfully ok but she could have been killed.
My sister also went to Mexico and brought back presents. She knows I struggle with him but she has a son the same age and tries really hard to connect with him. Kept trying to ask him how preschool was and what he was learning and he flat out just sat and ignored her and just tried talking to his dad. It wasn't until she said she got something for him that he would pay attention to her.
Last night he came into our bedroom and stole the Nintendo switch and started playing it at 2am when he knows he always has to ask permission to play it since it's expensive.
I know this isn't very detailed but I need some help. I want so badly for me to like him and us mesh well as a family but it seems like all my efforts do not work. He is constantly dada dada dada, crying, acting out and just exhibits bizarre behavior that even my friend who has worked with young children for years even says. I feel so evil for not liking a child but I just don't like him, I dread his presence and countdown the time until he leaves. I feel like he is a very smart kid and knows better but just acts this way just because. I just need some guidance and help because I honestly just don't know if I can do this much longer.
Thank you.
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Comments
You're not evil and there's
You're not evil and there's nothing wrong with you. He seems like a monstrous child and yes at 4 years old they can be challenging but your BF doesn't seem to be doing enough to address his behavior. Maybe he needs to be evaluated and when he does something he needs age appropriate consequences. Having a baby and dealing with his 4 year old is a lot and he shouldn't be with you UNLESS BF is home.
I don’t
I will not watch him if he's not there and he knows this. But I agree he needs to discipline him better. The other day he cried hysterically because I mouthed the word "no"
when I was on an important phone call. Something is just off. I need to speak with my partner or else I'll remain miserable and I just can't live like this anymore. It isn't good for my daughter to see this behavior either.
Your BF has to step up his
Your BF has to step up his parenting or this will never turn around...it WILL get worse.
Agreed.
Refer up to my reply ahead about this I definitely agree. Thank you for taking your time to reply
Choose Your Relationship
Reading other stories here helped me decide what kind of relationship I wanted with the skids. I chose aunt relationship. It is early enough that you can just never start doing certain things or taking on roles that make you uncomfortable. I’ve never had to disengage bc I never started doing things I didn’t want to do.
If my hubby has a workout class in the morning when he has them i’ll make sure they eat and not light themselves or the house on fire but I don’t nag them. My SO does a good job of leaving everything he can ready for me to make the food. All I have to do is pour eggs in a pan and ready mixed pancake batter on a griddle.
I could not for my sanity or my SO relationship with the BM try to be a bonus mom/super step mom. The kiddos have a mom, they refer to me by my first name ( perfectly okay by me). My hubby is the disciplinarian, I don’t ask the kids to wash their butts or brush their teeth (it’s hard to do during what else stinky teen phase).
I don’t do their laundry, buy extra groceries when they come over. I just do things when I want to and as long as the kids continue to show appreciation I will do things I am comfortable doing for them.
Your SO needs to be a better father and reign the little man in and teach him how to behave. It’s possible for one child to behave completely different with one parent vs the other. My ss used to drop down in the middle of stores on the floor throwing tantrums embarrassing BM. He has never done that around my husband.
I’d be tempted to see if your hubby can take the kid in for therapy. Abusing animals is not a good sign.
Agreed
I feel very similar to you in regard to not becoming a mother figure. I do not want that. I also do not buy groceries, do his laundry, etc.
I also think therapy is a good idea or will be needed regardless here soon. He has no structure. He is constantly passed from daycare to preschool to each of his grandparent, to our house, to his moms and everyone treats and has different rules. We all need to get on the same page or it will be bad.
He always acts nice to dogs but I've caught him pulling my dogs hair and the whole throwing incident. He was scolded and he just stood there with no emotion, wouldn't even say sorry. It was bizarre. Thank you for taking your time to reply.
Do we have the same life!?
As I was reading your blog post I couldn't help but realize that almost every situation you brought up, I have personally been through myself. I just gave birth to my first child, a daughter, a month ago. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years but we only dated for two months before we got married. His son was 3 at the time. I remember the first time he came over to my apartment he stole jewelry from me, he hurt my cat, and he insisted that his dad slept with him. Back then I was very hands-off with discipline, but I would bring up everything to my husband. I was a nanny and a Sunday school teacher at the time so I had a little insight on how children should be behaving. And I have been blessed with a great husband because he sees everything that I see and he doesn't make me feel crazy.
Now that we're married, Im still hands off for the most part unless he disrespects me, my pets, or my belongings. Then I discipline him myself. I don't care whose kid you are, you hurt my animals, I hurt you. His behavior improves immensely once he steps into our home now because he knows that I don't play around and neither does his dad.
I think behavior will be easier to adjust as they get a little older. But its honestly mainly up to the father and the biological mother. If they aren't on the same page when it comes to disciplining him, it's going to be a lot more difficult. But as long as he is not hurting you, your daughter, or your pets, I would just be as hands-off as possible. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. As soon as I took the pressure of "parenting" off of myself and explained to my husband that he is 100% responsible for his son when he visits, I have felt so much happier and at ease.
I just want to add as a sidenote: i think 4 years old is a little old to still be wearing a diaper. He should definitely be pottied trained by that age. My SS was pottied trained but during his last visit with us I heard him yell from the bathroom " I pooped!" at his grandmother because he wanted her to wipe him. He was 5. I almost passed out! Haha and by Age 4 he should also know how to properly treat animals. He should not be pulling and tugging or hitting them. I also have the same issue with my SS and he's older. He will still pull on their faces or hit them and when he does, Im ready to throw down. I just wanted to let you know because when I was going through this I received a lot of comments from grandparents and other family members about how "he's still really young" and "he doesn't know any better." I've had conversations with child therapists who say that yes, 4 years old is not too young to realize when he's hurting an animal. So you should definitely let your significant other know that and anybody else who tries to make excuses when/if he does that.
Hang in there. You're not crazy. Your feelings are normal and you are definitely not alone!!!
Thank you!
Thank you so much for a long and meaningful reply. It's so nice to feel like I am not alone or crazy.
He finally became potty trained here recently, though he is almost 5. I agreed as well about him needing to start training. But in order for him to start pre school it was a requirement so he finally mastered it in August. Thank goodness!
Yes he is very smart. He is very much aware that he is hurting something or something is wrong. That's why when the throwing of the dog incident occurred I was speechless and how he just didn't even respond to being talked to about it was even worse.
But I think you're right. Communicating with my partner and stepping back and trying not to "parent" him will make me a lot happier and at ease when he is around. Hopefully no more incidents happen where he intentionally harms an animal or my daughter or myself.
Again, thank you and if you ever want to chat reach out to me.
Thank you!
Thank you so much for a long and meaningful reply. It's so nice to feel like I am not alone or crazy.
He finally became potty trained here recently, though he is almost 5. I agreed as well about him needing to start training. But in order for him to start pre school it was a requirement so he finally mastered it in August. Thank goodness!
Yes he is very smart. He is very much aware that he is hurting something or something is wrong. That's why when the throwing of the dog incident occurred I was speechless and how he just didn't even respond to being talked to about it was even worse.
But I think you're right. Communicating with my partner and stepping back and trying not to "parent" him will make me a lot happier and at ease when he is around. Hopefully no more incidents happen where he intentionally harms an animal or my daughter or myself.
Again, thank you and if you ever want to chat reach out to me.
Ditto
Same here! If you ever need advice or just want to vent, feel free to message me. I know exactly how you feel. And don't worry about feeling evil for not liking a child. Some children just arent likeable. I do not like my SS at all and I used to feel so guilty. But when my older sister met him, she said she didnt want her little girls playing with him because she got an "evil vibe" from him, and I hadn't even told her about any of the things he'd done. So once I knew it wasn't just me, I felt so much better!
You lost me at candles....
You lost me at candles....
but good luck
I don’t
Know if this was suppose to be a jab at me lighting candles and having children around but as I stated earlier I was burning this on a fall night while I was nursing my daughter when she was a newborn, talking weeks old and this occurred. Once it did, we haven't lit candles when he's around since. And now that she is older and more mobile; they are not burned if she has any kind of access to them/ pulling them down from somewhere etc.
A lot of this sounds like kid
A lot of this sounds like kid behavior, and 4 was an absolutely rotten age for all the kids (including step). Dad really needs to start watching his son with an eagle eye, so he’s right there to correct him. It sounds like he’s left to his own devices.
I agree that you absolutely cannot leave candles out with kids, that goes for lighters and matches as well, and it’s totally a rookie mistake. The moment you aren’t paying attention, and poof.
And even my big kids will be interested in toddler toys simply because they’re something new to play with, and oh will they fight over some really dumb toys too, just because another sibling is playing with it, it automatically turns a junk cracker box toy into gold. And my kids (while grounded) have been caught up playing video games in the middle of the night, though 4 a is a little precocious. My kids also tried carrying the dog around, but they were always in the same room with me at that age, unless it was nap time so they got told no.
Your SO needs to really work on the meanness and the rudeness, practicing empathy & reading books with him.
I have the same issues with
I have the same issues with my SD. Like literally everything you said. But she's 8; she can't even use being a little one as an excuse. Please, for your own sanity and the safety of your bub, get your DH to get a handle on this kid's behaviour; it will only get worse as he gets older.
You are making this everybody fault
When it’s the SS, BM and BF fault. For not parenting this kid. Even at 4 yo children listen to there parents / SM
you tell him not to do something and he does it three has to be immediate punishment. At 4 you can not wait until the the BF gets home. They are not going to put it all together. You must set up appropriate punishment. Time out. Time in his room with our electronics. Ect.
Your SO has to put more effort into parenting his child. Unfortunately you can’t disengage from SS if he doing something wrong.