Geneology
I'm on vacation with my parents at the moment (away from the skids and my wife for the weekend).
My father took out some photos of when he, my mom and our grandparents were young so it was fun getting to see all the different similarities across the ages between the people in our family.
I feel like I'm going to miss out on doing this with our kids (my step-kids) and its gotten me down a little. Their bio-mom has kept some photos of the kids real dad (who left) and I know that when they're older, their mom, grandparents and them will get to do the same fun exercise together, but I'll be left out of it sitting in the corner.
Sometimes being a step-parent comes with some caveats you don't think of at first. *sigh*
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I'm in your shoes. In fact,
I'm in your shoes. In fact, I have been trying to trace DH's lines back over the past few months. I have the same feelings you have. I don't have kids of my own, & never will get the opportunity. My dad has kept up with my families geneology & DH has shown interest & is wanting to find more on his. I'm excited about finding out what I can for him, but at the same time I picture him sitting down with his kids one day going through their family pictures & talking about where they come from. When the time comes I, too, imagine myself in a corner but I'll be feeling bitter because I will have been the one who took the time to get everything together so they could share this happy time. It's a sad feeling.
I feel you - it's never an
I feel you - it's never an easy topic. As I mentioned before, I feel like the whole idea of being a step-parent doesn't sound so bad when you first think about it, but as time goes on there are little quirks that can come up.
Another one I recently had to deal with was inherited traits. We were sitting down with the kids (4 and 5) talking about the different features they got from their mom and the different talents they might have picked up from her. I felt left out and when my wife said that our son was so into computers because his daddy was (she was referring to me) I felt a little awkward. Although I've been with my wife for about three years, I've only been living with the kids for 1 of those and occasionally the 'your good at that because your daddy is' feels a little more forced than it probably should.
It could just be me.
I would do it for them to
I would do it for them to have something that they otherwise wouldn't have. I don't think you should project that onto the future. You may very well be included if you feel so compelled.
I've done genealogy for years and have traced a few families for people for money. I don't like to call myself a professional, b/c it feels stuffy. But, I think that you should include yourself in some photos and make a really nice portfolio that INCLUDES you!
I have done scrapbooks for
I have done scrapbooks for both skids with all of their pictures from the time they were born. BM left all of the pictures behind when she left, so what they have is limited. I love pictures...probably to a fault. I have a separate box for the blurry or cut-off ones.
They're important to me, & I know that these will be important to the skids as they get older. I think it will mean a lot to them to be able to see pictures of them & their parents when their parents really were happy together. I have 6 books, so far, for SS16 & 5 for SD13. My intention was to give them to them for Christmas this past year. There are a few reasons I didn't. We didn't get to see them for Christmas. I spent months putting them together. I spent a lot of money putting them together. I didn't want to put them in a box & mail them to their house just because they couldn't take an hour of their time away from BM to exchange the gifts in person. I want DH & I to be the ones who get to sit down with them & talk about them first. I want DH to have the opportunity to walk down memory lane with his kids. He's the one who cared enough to keep all of these pictures. I feel like he deserves that. Also, given the situation with BM & the hate & jealousy she feels toward me, I worry about letting those books go to her home. I don't feel like the skids are grown enough to really be able to feel the value in them right now...not the way they will when they're older. I don't think sentiment means much to them right now. I think I'm going to hold onto them until they're out of BM's house & living lives of their own.
I didn't exclude pics of BM or her family. It was difficult, but I just kept telling myself that the skids would appreciate me for being thoughtful enough to know that those were important to them. I, however, also did not include pics of me. I feel like they feel like I have shoved my way into their lives, & I didn't want them to feel that way with these albums. I want them to be able to enjoy having them & looking at them, & I was worried that once they came across a picture of me, they would wish it wasn't there...in the middle of their family.
If you don't mind my asking, Sia, what sources do you use to trace families? All we have on DH's maternal grandmother is a name. No dates or anything. I haven't even been able to locate a marriage certificate, so we don't know whether or not her & his grandfather were ever married. His grandfather is 1/2 Indian, & I haven't been able to figure out how to go about getting those records.
I know what you mean, I just
I know what you mean, I just did a scrapbook for SD for her graduation and included a page for BM AND one for HER family, even though NONE of them thought it important enough to even show up for her graduation..... anyway, it killed me to include her....but I did... :sick:
Indian records are hard to trace unless you know what tribe they belonged to. If you can find that, then you can contact the tribe (if it still operates) and get records that way. I use all kinds of sources. I do love ancestry.com though. Although there are plenty of others. Do you have a subscription to ancestry? if not, PM me the name and I'll dig for ya.
At first I felt compelled to
At first I felt compelled to join your pity party, but...maybe I can help? I dont claim to know how you feel, because I do have kids and I do not take that for granted one bit. I know that I'm very blessed.
But with that said, I can honestly say (and I do have a dual degree in psychology and sociology) that it is widely researched and proven that we are comprised heavily by nurture AND nature. While we may have several inherited features and traits, we are largely who we are due to environmental factors as well!
I can tell you with some certainty that your skid was not likely "born with" a knack for computers! It is highly probable that YOU could impart that skill onto him! Obviously your wife is listening, and is aware that this subject is upsetting to you. Her efforts to point out your contributions to her kids, I think, are quite admirable?
I know this doesnt "fix" your inner desire to have your own bloodline legacy to leave behind, but you DO have an impact on those kids if you are raising them. Dont kid yourself! They may not have your hair or skin, but they'll pick up your quirks etc guaranteed. I see traits in my own kids that I think...where did that come from?! They truly are their own little person. Like when you mix blue and red, you get purple and it's hard to see the blue or red anymore.
I think a lot of the sad
I think a lot of the sad feelings come from witnessing the moments & experiences that parents get to share with their own children, & knowing that that in being childless, you won't get the opportunity to experience that joy with your own child. There are absolutely things that stepparents can be a part of & join in on, but there are also the moments where a stepparent just doesn't fit. When we were able to spend time with my skids, I recall many conversations where I almost felt awkward...like 5th wheel. There are things involved in being a childless stepparent...a lot of feelings, that I never imagined I would feel.
I can't say I'd choose any differently if I had it to do over again. I love my husband & my skids with everything in me. It's just difficult to deal with sometimes.
I imagine that is a very
I imagine that is a very empty and sad feeling, and I am SO sorry for anyone who has to feel that way. It's particularly frustrating to me, seeing so many people who have No Business reproducing, and then knowing so many who deserve it more and could do it so much better.
For me, the choice to stay
For me, the choice to stay with DH & skids was difficult to make, however, I wouldn't do it differently given the chance. As far as the "firsts" that I have read about, that's not really an issue for me either. It's what I'll never get to have...first or last, that tugs at me sometimes. When making my choice to build a life with DH, I felt that with BM absent, the void I felt in having no children of my own would be filled by skids. I would have the opportunity to be nurturing & it would provide them with a mother-figure that they were lacking. All of that has since changed. They have BM in their lives again. They don't need me to be a mother-figure anymore. I still have so much to give.
I think I feel sad about what I know I could offer as a mother. I feel like there's part of me that's just being wasted. I worry about what my life will be like when I'm old. DH is a smoker. He's overweight. He has heart disease & diabetes in his family. He always says he has a feeling he'll die young. His dad did. I keep telling myself that just because his dad died young doesn't mean DH will, but it's hard not to consider it given the health risks he has put on himself. I, on the other hand, have many kinds of cancer in my family. Despite that, my relatives have lived to be old. My parents are both 70 & going strong. It's selfish, stupid, & morbid, but I keep thinking about who will be there for me when I'm in my 80's & dying a slow painful death to some horrible cancer. I'll probably be one of those in a nursing home with no one to come & visit me. I feel no need to make a will simply because I won't have anyone behind me to will anything to. Skids can pick through what they want & I guess the rest will hit the trash or go to Goodwill or whatever. It just feels dismal sometimes.
That being said, those aren't things that consume my mind everyday, but they do weigh on me now & then. DH & I...we have shared a lot of great times & we have struggled side-by-side through a lot of painful times. All-in-all, I feel blessed in my marriage. I feel blessed to have my skids...even as little as I get to share with them. The good definitely outweighs the bad. I guess I've kind of gone off topic, but those are my thoughts.