His kids are being incredibly selfish and cruel to their father to expect him to continue to live alone after the death of their mother. Yes, everyone grieves. Yes, everyone grieves differently. But to expect him to live a life without companionship is totally unreasonable. This is not your issue to solve - let your SO have it out with them. They do not get to dictate how he lives.

Please stop trying so hard. If they don't want to respect you then you really don't want them around, do you? Forget the extra bedroom for them, turn it into a guest room, a crafts room, a music room, a reading room - whatever brings you pleasure. They are adults and you are under no obligation to supply a roof for them. They have aged out of visitation. 

As for the rest of your SO's family ... it's time he told them that you are an important part of his life and if they can't be decent human beings to you, if they can't stop comparing you with someone you never even knew, then he won't be coming around any more. He should be living his life for him and not for any other adults in his family. He already knows how short life can be, he should be living it to the full.

Don't give any of these miserable buggers another thought. They're not worth your time.

Good Morning 

I found myself 10+ years ago in the situation you find yourself. Not a whole lot of warm fuzzies to be found other than my now spouse. I naively thought it would get better. I come from a happy 20+ year stepfamily with a widow. I had no idea how bad this can be.

If I could hit redo... the very most important thing for any sort of happiness for both of you your SO MUST MUST MUST set boundaries firm, and early. There is no in between, walking the fence. They either come around...or they don't...not your problem, concern, or job to be anything other than yourself.

It is also the responsibility of your SO to require respect for you and your children. Whether they like it or not. Your SO cannot be a limp **** with his adult children. Nor can he himself be.

This takes tough people to maneuver this terrain and also respect themselves, always. This is a rough road with blowback from adult children..believe me when I tell you this. I wish someone would have told me this many years ago. My stepchildren have chosen estrangement as opposed to respecting boundaries. It was more important for their control and keeping mom on the pedestal. You both need to be prepared for a bumpy ride if they are starting out his way.

Another poster mentioned Abel Keough...check out his Widower Wednesday videos.  Great straightforward advice. 

I think additional helpful advice would be not to live in the marital home. I refused to ever live there. Best decision we ever made!

These adult children must be totally independent and off daddy's wallet. If they chose to play disrespectful, disruptive roles in your relationship and happiness your partner must stay firm...believe me they will stop at nothing to get daddy back under control. This will be just as difficult for you.

Best of luck to you!

You don't need their approval so stop seeking it.  Your SO needs to stand up to them and his relatives.

I'm afraid you've bought into the step family fairy tale of insta-family that all gets along and cares for each other. In what other context are adults expected to come together and love each other as if they were bio family? None. Because it's not reality.

The biggest mistake I made with my adult steps when DH and I first dated was to try to "win them over." I tried to hard, spent too much money, dealt with too many hard feelings. We have a cordial relationship now, and we get along fine when we're together, but these are not my children and I don't expect any type of bond. 

What DID help was DH finally stepping up and setting the boundaries that we needed as a couple. His kids resented it at first, as they were used to calling the shots about what he should and shouldn't be doing (and DH obeyed them). But we got through it.

You don't need a connection with them to have a happy life with their father. You don't need to bond with them. You don't need to think of your home as their home. Give them enough room to make their own adult decisions about their own relationships, and if they don't choose to have a relationship with you, that's too bad but it's fine and their choice.

The key is how your husband reacts.
In my case I was a widow. My husband was divorced and then she died. My kids have said that they were relieved I wasn't turning into a 'cat hoarder' that they would always worry about. His kids were basically alienated before the divorce and seemed to want to punish him for the divorce (which was the ex-wife's idea) even after her death. One daughter married a guy who told us it was disrespectful to marry after your spouse dies.

DH did not want the divorce. The ex refused to go to counseling, but he went hoping he could find a way to change her mind. What he found was himself. He found the strength to go on without groveling to the ex or his kids. He found the desire to have a life for himself. His divorce counseling is what made our marriage work. 

DH has a very superficial relationship with his kids and the grandkids. They talk around major holidays and we see them a few times a year for a few hours. DH believes that even if we were not married, his relationship with them would be the same, and is not chasing them.

I, on the other hand, at the beginning did try to facilitate opportunities for DH to see his children. I soon realized that I was banging my head against the wall, and gave up. 

His kids are adults. They don't need a room at your house. Be glad they didn't move in with you. You may only ever have a polite civil relationship with them, and that's fine. You don't need a warm relationship with them for your marriage to thrive. The key is how your husband reacts. He can live his life with you and be happy. Or he can grovel and try to win their approval. It's his choice.

Congratulations on your engagement! However, please take things VERY slowly and don't marry until your SO's kids have been completely launched and are self supporting.

Finances in second marriages are handled very differently, because each person has their own baggage, finances, and obligations. You shared that your SO's kids are still living in his old apartment. Are they attending university, working, paying rent, etc?  Did your SO inherit his wife's estate, and do his kids have certain expectations concerning that?

Competition for resources is often the root of resentment in stepfamilies, and your SO's kids are in that age group where they're legally adults, but may still need help from time to time. Have you and your SO discussed finances? Launch plans, what you will and will not provide for kids, college, cars, weddings, etc? It's best to really drill down and sort these issues BEFORE saying I Do, and premarital counseling is a wise investment because you have an impartial third party to guide the process and bring up things you might not have considered.

You should also individually meet with a financial advisor or tax attorney to determine whether marrying is even a good idea at this time. In hindsight, I should not have married when I did because my DH's divorce debt and c.s. obligations adversely impacted me. An expert can determine what tax bracket your joint income will place you in, and what the ramifications of that would be for each of you. I have a SIL who has not married despite her partner proposing multiple times; she's ran the numbers, and they actually do better financially by not marrying.

I've been with a widower for 7 years, he has 3 adult daughters. The ONLY way your relationship will work is if you and your partner present a united front, and the kids and his family understand that you and your relationship must be treated with respect. They don't have to like you or your relationship, but they cannot be allowed to disrespect you or try to sabotage your relationship. You can't expect them to embrace you with open arms, that will probably never happen. But respect is a must. If your partner doesn't insist on this, it's time to leave. Also, count your blessings that his kids don't want to live with you. They're adults, they should be living on their own anyway.