At least I don't have to see SD this year!

Every year SO and I tend to disagree about how much we spend on SD for the holidays. Of course, it's also difficult because SD's birthday is ten days before Christmas. Last year, we were able to put off full-on bickering over money for the holidays because we decided that we would roll SD's bday and Christmas gift into decorating and painting her bedroom for her. We did also buy her some clothes while she visited over her break. But, we managed to keep it all to a fraction of what it had been in years past (we're talking SO spending upwards of $300-$400 on SD alone in the past for just Christmas; it was closer to $500 the first Christmas we were together, which, consequently, was the first Christmas after he and GUBM had split, so, I know exactly why he felt it was necessary to shower her with so many gifts).

Since there are 13 members in my family and 16 members in his family (including close friends) who we like to get gifts for, I like to keep things on the affordable side. I supplement store bought gifts with homemade gifts, we take friends out to dinner rather than buying them gifts, those kinds of things. It usually tends to be only SD that is a concern when it comes to expenses during the holidays. The gifts for other family members, we tend to resolve to spend practically and within our means. But, I'm afraid he's going to go into guilty dad mode with SD. This is the first year he won't see SD on or around Christmas or her birthday. Last year we had her the week after Christmas, but, since her grandfather isn't doing well health-wise, she won't be visiting us until next year sometime so she can spend time with him if this proves to be his last holiday season.

And I think I am founded in my fear of guilt-ridden dad shopping because, we were discussing affordable Christmas gift giving last night. I told him what I was planning to do for the female family members who are over 18, his great-niece, and the family members who are under 18 on my side as far as purchased and homemade gifts go. then I mentioned how I just have to figure out what to get for his youngest niece, SD, and what to make for the males in our family, he said "Oh, just let me handle that, atmc". The last time I let him handle gifts for SD on his own was the first Christmas we were together.

I have helped him fund Christmas for his family and SD in the past, before we joined finances. I still have private accounts that only I can access. And, while I won't mind taking out some money to help cover gifts for EVERYONE AND our trip to NJ, I'm not repeating the past. Our first Christmas, I paid for and made the gifts for everyone except SD. Our second Christmas, I paid for everything except for an MP3 player that SO just HAD to get for SD as it was the "one thing she asked for specifically". That's what made it extra obnoxious when SO would bicker with me when I would try to talk him out of the impulsive gifts for SD he would find while we were out trying to shop for other family members.

It was nice not bickering about it last year. And I really hope that I can persuade SO into the reasonable spending realm again as far as SD goes. But, this year, I fear that the money issue will come up and that he will resist. I have hope that it won't, though, because I think he's really getting tired of the fact that SD views him as a source for what she wants materialistically rather than what he really is, her father who loves her and wants to have a relationship with her. But, I'm not so sure that his frustration with the situation will override any guilt he has, either.

The only consolation I have is that at least I won't have to see SD for the holidays. Even if SO arranges time to get together with her for dinner, I won't be accompanying him. Anytime I contemplate it and think to myself "well, how bad could it be to see her for just dinner?" I think about the horrible way she treated me this summer and the awful way she has treated me every holiday season when it comes to the gifts that I have given her.

Our first December together, she was downright rude about every gift I gave her for both her birthday and Christmas. I got her a birthstone necklace for her birthday that she made faces about after she opened it, tried to claim that the stone wasn't the right one for her birth month, and didn't thank me until SO forced her to do so. For Christmas, I got her a metal detector (since by that point we knew she was moving down the shore), and, video games for her DS. She made no attempt to disguise the fact that she thought the metal detector was stupid when she opened it, left it at our place when her mom picked her and all of her gifts up (we're talking she hid it behind the Christmas tree so nobody would notice that she didn't take it with her) and left it behind when she moved down the shore. She complained about the video games I gave her being "stupid" to SO right in front of me. And then they both wondered why my feelings were hurt.

The next birthday, I got her a pair of boots from Payless that I figured she would like. She seemed to like them when she opened them, but, when she wore them the next day, she talked about how stupid they are and how much she hates them. Again, in front of me. Christmas that year, she thanked SO for her gifts and didn't thank me for anything. I mentioned something to SO about how it hurt my feelings that she made a big deal about thanking him but didn't even think to thank me, and, he pulled her aside into the kitchen and talked to her briefly about it. Of course, I was in the living room at the time and I could hear her when she whined "But, why? They're from you, not her!" Ouch. He told her that the gifts were from both of us, except for the MP3 player (thanks, SO) and that she needed to thank me. I got the most piss poor, pathetic "thank you" from her ever. She also complained about the fact that I had bought myself a new XBOX 360 and she still only had her old one. She made it very clear that SHE deserved the new XBOX, not me.

Last year, she was a little more graceful about it when she realized that the gifts under the tree for her were from SO's dad and my family and that we were serious when we told her that her gifts from us were decorating and painting her bedroom. But, she wasn't so gracious about the gifts she did get. She made faces and had a nasty comment about everything my family had purchased for her because she wasn't into those things (yet, this is a child who, when asked what she would like for her birthday and/or Christmas says "I don't know" or has some outlandish gift in mind like a laptop capable of playing WOW and every single WOW game and expansion pack). She also had nasty things to say about 90% of what SO's dad and stepmom had gotten her (except for the one gift she really wanted).

And I do know that a lot goes into her poor attitude towards anything that has to do with me (PAS, spoiled beyond belief by SO and GUBM until after the second Christmas that SO and I had with her, when he really started to notice how spoiled she is and how poorly she behaves when she doesn't get exactly what she wants from people, conflicting feelings related to loyalty towards GUBM, etc).

But, I'm still terribly glad that I won't have to experience any of THAT this year.