Even when they're not here, they're all I think about.
They have been gone back to their BMs for 4 days now and we don't get them again for a week and a bit... yet they are all I think about in the meantime!!! My entire thought process is taken up with 2 boys that I don't like!! I think about the reasons I don't like them, the things they've done in the past, the things they do that their father doesn't notice when they're here..... Their school problems, bedwetting problems, sweatpants as their only pants option, watching TV all day, Their dad sends them off to play on their own instead of doing anything with them, eating habits, nosepicking....
I just can't take my mind off it and it makes me a negative person!!! I hate the way I've become since buying a house with CL and having those kids around. I'm moody when they're here and either hide in the bedroom with a book or work 18 hour days to stay away.
I've told him I want him to take a more active role in parenting his kids when they're here and he got all upset because I was calling him a "bad parent" by saying that. Then a fight ensued and at the end of it, I was calling him a bad parent. He doesn't want anything to do with the responsibility part. He wants to be all fun and games and let them do what they want all day. He waits on them hand and foot so they are completly useless to do anything for themselves. It's just stupid. How he has no common sense towards his parenting and it blows my mind.
CL and I are having money problems with him needing to take more responsibility for his kids because they sure as hell aren't my responsibility.
I have major resentment that while I'm putting all my extra money into renovating our house and new appliances and stuff that CL will benefit from if/when we sell.... his money goes to child support. That bothers me to no end!!!! I'm already worried about Christmas!! Last year he spent THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS ON EACH KID!!!! It's like he forgot he's divorced and he bought what they would buy as a couple for his kids.... but he did that alone!! If he does that again, I swear I will cause a scene right there in Toys-R-Us. (which is where he bought most things...no clothesor anything else... just toys and games)
I'm absolutely lost and don't know what to do anymore. This isn't the life I want and I'm scared to change because I honestly love CL. I just think that maybe I hate his kids more than I love him.
If I wasn't so afraid of the guilt of leaving someone I love so much, I'd move out.
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Comments
The fact that you are
The fact that you are fixating on these kids when they aren't even around isn't healthy.
It might be time to re-evaluate your life and what you want from it.
(I mean, really, WHY CARE if they wear sweat pants? WHY CARE if they watch too much TV?)
I care because the kids look
I care because the kids look like they have no nice clothes... and watching TV wouldn't be so bad if they weren't overweight and usually include nose picking as a TV watching past time.
It weighs on me also. I think
It weighs on me also. I think about it far, far too much. I tend to do that with other aspects of my life, as well- overthink everything and then think about it some more. I wish I could tell you what my counsellor recommended to get over that, but I can't remember what it was. She called rumination, by the way, so possibly a google search would come up with helpful suggestions.
I think the reason I think about it so much is that I feel like I never get resolution or closure to any of our problems. Hell, I'd probably settle for mere acknowledgement from SO as far as how SD acts. If I felt like any of our problems were addressed, if not corrected, I think I could let it a lot of it go.
I do know that spending a lot of time on ST, a recent obsession of mine, only fuels it for me. In one way it helps me internally work through some of the things we have going on (my excuse to myself for the obsession), but in other- it allows me to keep thinking about it. I know I need to stop, but I'm compelled for some reason. Maybe I should ask people to politely ask me to leave if they see me here.
My SO use to be that way with
My SO use to be that way with his kids, until I put my foot down and said no more. His kids are 8 and 6 (6 and 4 when they first started coming) and when they came they were completely dependent on their father for everything. These kids can't tie their shoes, they couldn't dress themselves, couldn't feed themselves, hell when they came they were still in diapers! It all came to an end very quickly and now SO makes them do stuff themselves, the boy was always worse then the girl when it came to that sort of stuff and he's still a whiny little brat. They fight over the attention for their father constantly and if one feels the other receives more love they turn physical on one another.
I also understand about the clothes, I don't care what he wears while with his mother but when he is with us we have our own clothes for him because I HATE what his mother sends him in, always ratty worn looking clothes with pants and shirts that never match. the kid is 8 and the last time he came he was wearing a pair of size 4 socks that barely fit his big toes and they had rips all through them. *shakes head*
I don't think about it constantly but in the few days before they come I get super stressed out. His daughter is never here she goes somewhere else but it's still stressful because then usually my plans are shot because SO takes the vehicle with him and I end up stranded. If I have a problem with something to do with either of those kids I just come out and say it, funny thing is SO usually agree's with me.
yep, i my dh used to spend
yep, i my dh used to spend just like he did when they were all an "intact" family. he tried that even after losing his good paying job. guess who he thought was going to make up the difference? ha! i made him get another job (as i know you've done, also). but he doesn't use all that money for himself. as long as he's working this second job i make him contribute to a household spending account as well as myself. this account is used strictly for the "extras" in our marriage. it is NOT for step-kids, inlaws or anyone else. it's for repair/maintenance of our home, and the end of the year, if there's anything left it's to be used for a husband-wife vacation. yes, he ends up having spending money and i don't care what he does with that as long as i feel satisfied he is providing his FULL SHARE to this household. he didn't like it. i threatened to leave and i meant every word of it. he doesn't really like having to work 7 days a week, but he's proud of being able to take care of not only his child support responsibilities, but his responsibilities to ME and our marriage and our household. i tell you, there's no more $300 christmases for the kids. it's $100 for each of our children (i have 2 grown and a son-in-law) and his mother. and THIS comes out of our household budget. if he wants to do more, he'll have to save his own money. not very romantic splitting hairs like that, but it keeps me from being resentful, i don't feel guilty, and keeps our marriage intact.
maybe we worry/fret/fixate
maybe we worry/fret/fixate because we don't feel our spouse is protecting us. i know this was/is the case with me. i say "is" because it still IS a work in progress for us. but much, much, much better. a woman needs to feel secure and i've always felt his children/ex wife was a threat to MY security. and he has allowed them to be. i have to be in a marriage where OUR future (our marriage) is at least equal to his responsibilities to his children, at at times will be on the front burner in order of importance. i have risked my marriage many times in order to get my dh on board. there have been times i didn't think he would, but to date he always has. i did not sign up to take care of his children. i will not interfere with his care of them, have in fact forced him to "step up" for them. he allows this because he DOES understand, deep down, where i'm coming from. he has allowed me to "demand" these things from him because he knows he has ALL these responsibilites and realizes that yes, he has just as much a responsibility to US as he does to THEM. but i do know that our dh's have to be able to see this, or at least do what it takes to make us "happy" as he calls it. i call it being "secure" and having a shared vision of "our future" and actually doing the work to make that happen. DOING things to ensure that, like contributing to our household fund (separate from bill fund). it really is tied to money in alot of ways. i would never be happy having all our funds tied together so that at any moment he could just wipe it clean to give to his kids and ruin any hope of a future for us. but i had to get him able to contribute first, AFTER paying child support, AFTER paying household bills (of which i STILL pay more, but i see his effort in that he's doing everything he can, so i feel good about it). i think not only do most men leave child-rearing to the women of the house, but also EXPECT her to fill the gaps of his income (those gaps existing BECAUSE of his child support responsibilities - all choices he's made in his life and now has to abide by those PLUS his added responsibilites of this marriage). i think alot of men expect their lives to be made easier by having a woman. but i truly believe if he really, truly loves her he WILL see the light. not on his own, either. we have to show him, expect respect and contribution from him, expect him to parent his children or be willing to walk if he WILL NOT do those things (there's no such thing as cannot). somehow we have to turn the tables, quit being the easy one, the only one willing to sacrifice, the doormat and become the STRONGER one. but never forget, we HAVE to show our appreciation when our men come through for us. it's what they live for. whew!