Don't Feel Comfortable in my Own Home

Now that SS15 has been here for the past 2 months and says he is going to live with us, I just don't feel comfortable in my home. I hate it when he is around. I feel like I can't be myself. I find I am locking myself in my bedroom most of the night to stay away from SS15. I REALLY hate it when DH works evenings/nights and I am alone with SS15. I just go in my room and don't come out. I can't stand him. I hate interacting with him. I really tried to like him. I feel like such a horrible person that I have these feelings, but I can't find anything I like about him.

And now since the brat won't share a room with DS10 and has been sleeping in the basement I haven't been getting any laundry done, because I don't want to keep going down to do laundry and walking past him. I don't know how long I can take this!

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Yeesh.. I can kinda relate

Yeesh.. I can kinda relate to your situation, althought it's somewhat different. i just moved into my SO's house; he has his kids 50%. I started off feeling very awkward because it was "their" house for so long before me. But the fact is that now it is MY house, too. I pay for 1/2 of the house bills and I clean up and take care of things, so I can't let the kids make me feel uncomfortable. You should think of it this way, its YOUR house and you should feel comfortable in it. When are you doing laundry? I'd assume its not in the super early morning or late hours of the night; who cares if you wake him up? Maybe he'll get sick of it and not want to live there..lol }:) My point is, I had to overcome feeling like an outsider when it wasn't even my house to begin with. Don't let this kid made you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

It probably sucks that your DH works nights. But don't lock yourself in your room. If you want to watch TV, or do something in the living room. ITS YOUR HOUSE, take the control and tell SS15 that you want to watch the TV or read or book on the couch or whatever. Id he doesn't want to join in, he is more than welcome to back to the basement.

Hang in there, i hope things get better!!

OMG me too!! Sometimes the

OMG me too!! Sometimes the bedroom is the only place in the house where there is no noise/chaos/speaking.

I really agree with the alpha

I really agree with the alpha male thing. You can't let them see your fear. I was incredibly uncomfortable around ss14 for many reasons (very legitimate reasons) when he resided with us for 3 months or so this year-and sometimes I did retreat to my bedroom(sometimes just didnt have the energy to deal with him)-BUT even then I would put a code on the tv so he couldnt watch it in the living room. He never did as he was told-therefore I always felt completely justified in my actions. I also found that my presence in the common areas of the house was often enough to make HIM run off to his room. But until I figured this out he sorta ruled the roost. My dh had run off to his workshop to hide from ss, my kids couldnt stand to be around him-so he'd lay on my couch, watching what he wanted on the tv, helping himself to whatever was in the kitchen, eating it in the livign room, letting the dogs lounge on our sofa (basically whatever rule we had he'd break it). If my kids tried to watch something on tv, he'd hide the remote. He was just an ass. When I'd ask or tell him to do something he'd often just blatantly say, "No I'm not doing that". I kept telling him that was his choice, but all actions have consequences-he'd roll his eyes at me and say whatever. In fact that is what he said to me the day before he was told he was leaving THAT VERY DAY because he refused to get with the program and follow the rules. That was 6 weeks ago and I havent seen him since.

Awesome! You're my hero.

I'm in the same boat with

I'm in the same boat with SD17, I cant stand her either she talks nonsense all the time , for about a week now we try to avoid each other , I dont make eye contact with her ever. When she comes to talk to her Dad..I stay quiet and don't acknowledge her.I'm surprised DH does not notice . I do feel bad too but ignoring her is all I can do for now ..for I cant spank her or tell her what I really think about her. This is their house .I have been here for a year..and I too have a lot of laundry to do cuz sd17 is always using the washing machine ..it;s not like she has a tone of clothes. rrgg

I think that is a rule

I think that is a rule everyone should have. Kids in my house can hang out in the living room when I need to be on the computer in my bedroom, but when I want to watch TV, they clear out. Solo kid or with her friends over, makes no difference.

That is the thing he usually

That is the thing he usually doesn't hang out in the living room, but he is always in and out...living room in the middle of the kitchen and sliding glass door that leads out back. so he is always either running into the kitchen grabbing snacks or running outside to play with his friends. And just the presense of him disturbs me. And I can't just sit and relax with him passing by. Plus the fact now I have to be more careful of what I wear around the house is annoying too.

Make the stepkid feel

Make the stepkid feel uncomfortable. Not you. You have to do some reverse psychology here in this sitch.

It is all laws; according to nature. We as humans go against these natural laws, which in turn makes everything unatural.

I am going to try that to the

I am going to try that to the best of my ability. SS15 is upset that we want to move to NC next year. So I decided I am going to talk about moving ALL the time when he is around. Mention about looking at houses and checking out jobs, etc. Just to piss him off hopefully. Yes, I know, I am horrid }:)

The thing is, I do usually

The thing is, I do usually have the tv in the livingroom to myself if I want. SS15 is usually in basement watching tv, BUT I just hate even being around him. So, I hate it when he comes upstairs to go to the kitchen and get a snack or walks past me. We don't even talk really at all. So, even by him just walking in the room raises my anxeity level, so I just end up going to my room and closing the door so I don't have to see him all. Every little thing he does annoys me. So that is another reason I am avoiding doing laundry when he is in the basement, I hate even just walking past him because it is so awkward. It sucks! I know I am the adult and I should get over it, but I don't know how to. I thought maybe I would grow to like him, but as each day passes I dislike him more. What a horrible thing to say for a grown woman, I know! I am a witch, I wish I wasn't like this.

Williams1017 said it

Williams1017 said it PERFECTLY...

You must set these boundaries. My DH didn't exactly love it when I did this to SD15 when she came full time...but too bad...you are the adult...

My SD19 will return tomorrow for 2 weeks...she will continue to follow the same rules as when she was 15.

Don't like it...leave. And it does not matter who the house belongs to...step parents are not around just to be an extra paychexk or punching bag.

I just really find your

I just really find your delema sooooo similar to mine it's amazing. My ss15 effects me in the exact same way. He has lived with us since day one and has only gone over to bm's 1 night in 3 1/2 years and over to friends maybe a half a dozen times. So it's been ss15 overload for me. For awhile dh was unemployed and I ended up working way more in order to pay bills so I was not home much and when I was home I was sleeping or stayed in my room to rest. Dh cooked and dealt with ss most of the time. Then ss18 moved in for a year and dh got a job and so I was at home more and cooking more and involved in both ss's activities more b/c I was having to "parent" them. Then I got custody of my two bs's and our house filled full to the rafters and then both dh and I had to work harder to just cover food costs!!

Through all of this ss15 has just been a burr in my side. I go out of my way to avoid this kid. He makes my skin crawl when he comes downstairs and he barely talks, like in one or two, max 3 word sentences. It ANNOYS me to no end. He also is sneaky and the worst part is that he REAKS. He has bad hygiene and leaves streaks of poop in places and splatters piss when he pees and sweats b/c he's on sports and his room and clothes stink. Yesterday dh bought a case of water and told ss15 that he needs to refill the bottles. Well this morning I came downstairs and on the coffeetable are about 20 empty bottles and all the paper peeled off and scattered all over the floor and the case is nearly gone in one effin day. If dh buys him something he will eat or drink it in one day. A few days ago dh bought top ramen and ss didn't shareit and ate the whole case in two days. If I buy things I make all the boys share it. SS seems to think when his dad buys something it's all for him and eats or drinks it fast almost like he doesn't want my boys to get anything his dad buys. It discusts me to no end how he's so selfish and smelly.

And there is NO END IN SIGHT, exept in three years he graduates and HOPEFULLY moves out and goes to college. DH is always saying that when my son turns 18 he's moving out, and ss18 just got kicked out, but I bet you anything he'll let ss15 stay here for a couple years just b/c he's da baba.

Anyhow, having him in this home is just so difficult at times. My own boys are not perfect but at least they talk to me, say thankyou and don't smell.

So yes, I totally get how you feel and it's not easy. No easy answers.

I am glad you understand what

I am glad you understand what I am going through and I am not alone. SS15 is kind of like that too with hygiene. He has really smelly breath, once when we were driving in the car I thought someone had stepped on dog poop and DH whispered to me it was SS breath...GROSS! And he gets really greasy hair cause he doesn't shower daily. When the jerk refused to share a room with DS10, he wanted to sleep on our couch in the living room...I put my foot down and said NO WAY. First of all I don't want his greasy sweaty body ruining my funiture by sleeping there all the time and I want to be able to walk downstairs at night or in the morning without him right there. So now the idiot sleeps in a cold dank basement (not finished off) on an old couch. Fine by me...go sleep with the spiders instead in a bed upstairs cause you can't be in the same room as DS10, his choice, so not my problem. Like I said the only thing I hate is when I have to do laundry.

I feel the same way. Luckily,

I feel the same way. Luckily, it's only every other week instead of full-time. 3 years, 2 months, and 8 days until he's 18. I have a countdown on my computer }:)

LUCKY! That thing that stinks

LUCKY! That thing that stinks is SS mom lives 2 states away. I wish we could do that. I think I could maybe handle once in a while, but not living with us and being in my small home every day!

Exactly why I did everything

Exactly why I did everything in my power to keep the SDs from living with us. I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own home. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Thanks, yeah when SS

Thanks, yeah when SS announced he wanted to live with us I gave DH a thousands reasons why he shouldn't live with us, but DH just kept saying "He's my son, I can't tell him to go home and the pressure from my family"...blah blah blah. SO I decided to disengage, because when I opened my mouth it only caused fights. But if DH thinks I am going to do ANYTHING for SS15, he is wrong. It is the only I can do to keep sane!

What is it about him that

What is it about him that makes you so uncomfortable? Is he not normal? I felt anxiety (still do at times) with F(maybe)SD17. Especially when we are left alone. But I have to maintain the mentality that I'm the adult (and we're only 12 years apart - thats weird..I can't even pretend to have a SM type relationship with her, at best she's like a little sister to me) Its still hard for me to ask her to do things, but I have to get over that because i live there now and its my house, too. I moved in June 2012 so I'm still going through that adjustment period where its rocky at times and I want to scream and cry and run home, but I love my SO more than anything so its worth it to me to suffer through it.

Just he is so annoying and

Just he is so annoying and gets on my nerves. He is just such a spoiled brat. And anything I say or do he goes and tells MIL and then I have to hear it. One time SIL calls and asks me I heard you were doing this that and the other thing. Can't stand it, I don't want him knowing what I do and reporting back to everyone.

One of the only times I "yelled" at him was when DH and I were having a discussion and he stuck his nose in the middle of it and I told him to mind his own business it was between me and his father. Maybe I shouldn't have said it, but I was annoyed. Anyway he didn't like that and then reported back to MIL all these lies that they all believed. Like DH and I fight all the time (which is not true), and am mean to SS, I force him to sleep on the hardwood floors, and lie on top of lie. I couldn't believe it. I know I shouldn't care what MIL or BIL and SIL believe and think, but I do. We see them quite often for things so I want to maintain the pease and not have things be awkward.

Oh my..Interupting

Oh my..Interupting conversations and butting in to adult conversations drives me up a WALL! SS10 does it constantly. I feel like we have this constant easedropper in the house. We'll be in our room and SS10 will be in his and we'll be talking and SS10 will rush in and be like OH "bla bla bla bla" or if we laugh he come running in "what is so funny? tell me!" Its like..DUDE!! MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!! ARGH!

Kudos to you though for snapping back at him; he needs to learn his place. SO and I were just battling this topic out a few nights ago and his response was "I'm not going to tell him he can't talk", and "Everyone who knows SS10 knows thats just how he is." BUT DUMBASS! He fails to understand that he isn't learning he can't just act on every impulse! He needs to learn to respect adult conversations and wait until they are over to speak. BLAH! Still gets me mad thinking about it LOL.

The IL thing is tricky; I have a good relationship with MIL, but I wouldn't ever talk to her about SS10- he is the king of the family and especially with Grandma, he gets his way every time. So annoying. So I go an vent to my mom to get some perspective on children. I don't have any of my own so this is ALL new to me.

I hope you can claim your house back. Maybe try ignoring that he is there? I know that would be hard..but if you walk around him/over him..go about your daily business like he isn't there, maybe he'll see he has no affect on you? i think he knows he gets under your skin and like it. he has control over you in YOUR house and he knows it. Thats not right, he needs to learn his place.

I think what has made dealing

I think what has made dealing with SS19 full-time easier is the fact that he has his own room. He has his own tv. He stays in his room. We have a family room downstairs with a tv and that's the room DH & I watch tv in. If I want to read a book I lay on the couch in the upstairs living room. No one really sits in our living room, it's kind of MY space. When SD11 is over she gets under my skin but she too kinda just chills out in her brothers room. Feeling uncomfortable in my own home was not something I was about to let happen. The only thing that has changed is that I no longer walk around in my underwear. I wouldn't care if my kids saw me in my panties, but I don't feel that way around SS. At the end of the day he IS a man living in my house so I cut that out a while ago.

Great idea...you are right, I

Great idea...you are right, I think I will start doing that! That way he doesn't have his on spot that he thinks he can take over and maybe, just maybe he will decide to go back and live with mom...finger crossed!

I feel this way in my home

I feel this way in my home too. SD15 has always lived with us but it doesn't get any better. I won't come out of my room when she is in the kitchen because I don't feel like having a conversation with her. If I do go in there, she is all weird and awkward. She stares at me funny and I end up walking away. It has come down to me pretending to be on the phone when she is around. It sounds crazy but I will do anything to avoid the awkward conversation. Or she is just waiting to ask me to do something for her because its always about her.

I hide in my room. I didn't when she was younger but it gets worse every year. I just don't want to see her face. Usually she hangs out in the downstairs living room where all the kids bedrooms are. But if she is down there I won't go down to do laundry either because I have to walk past her to get to the laundry room and its another awkward moment!!!

Just knowing she is in the house gives me anxiety. I just saw on her fb page she is coming home tonight. Thats just great!! Ugh!

BaseballMom42, take control

BaseballMom42, take control back of your own home. You are giving this kid too much power. Ignore him and go about your life, with even more gusto then before. Did you know the laundry gets cleaner if you do it while singing at the top of your lungs?

TAKE BACK YOUR HOUSE.

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Don't Feel Comfortable in my Own Home

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