That article was written by a BM. Really... she would be lucky to have a stepmom want to have anything to do with her kid. Ugh!!!

I think there is too much variation in step situations to generalize at all about what's off limits

My skids bms haven't been involved in the kids lives for years. So I make final decisions on all matters, big or small. A step mom in the primary home will obviously be more involved than a stepmom in the noncustodial home....and stepmoms who have full and complete custody will have a greater role still.

This article assumes that biomom 1) is in the picture 2) is involved in the kids' life and 3) is a responsible, appropriate adult. This article does not apply to my life / experience as a stepmom.

***"Step-moms need to remember they will be living with the biological mom for a long time. When you married her ex, you didn’t just marry him and his children, you married her as well."

That bit made me want to puke.

Truth is, BM's have no more say over what goes on in her ex husbands household (barring anything damaging to the children or illegal) than we do over what goes on in theirs.

^^^^^ EXACTLY. ***The lady that wrote this stuff needs her head examined!

I could care less about what SS17 wears. If he wants to dress like that in public go ahead.

I could care less how bad SS grades are until BM starts blaming it on the fact the DH married me. I think that if DH and I want to go to teacher conferences we can go on one night and BM can go a different night. And all schools should give this option.

I do care about SS's health but I do not try to make the decisions I do leave that to BM. Actually, even DH leaves that to BM. But I do believe that as the other parent living in the home I should be able to voice my opinion to DH and he can take it or leave it.

I could care less what BM does in her home but in our home she needs to stay out of it, that is DH and I's business not hers.

BM will make a big issue about NSWSM not having any input in SS's life but in the end BM will do what she wants anyway with or without DH's approval too.

I agree and don't agree.

1. Clothing-if she was at my place, she would not dress like a hooker just cause mom says it's ok...or when she went out with me...
2. School-parents decison...and with it comes 100% parent's responsibility to do homework with them, take them to school, etc.
3. Major Medical-I agree 100%...however, it is again 100% parent's responsibility to give them the meds, take them to appointments...if I have no say, I have no responsibility

Seems that in all cases we deal with the BMs want the SMOMS to BUTT OUT...but to "do what they say"...no, it doesn't work that way. You choose the school, you take her, you make a medical appointment or the kid is on meds, YOU give them to her...not my kid.

I actually agree with it for situations where there is a BM raising her kids. There is absolutely no reason or need for SM to make any decisions regarding those kids pertaining to medical, educational, social, etc. I would be LIVID if someone tried to put my 12/13 yr old in a string bikini just because my kid is in their house every other weekend to visit the other parent, who also lives in the home. In the situation where there is a BM raising their child, no matter how "not as good as ME" the SM thinks of the BM, as a not great parent or whatever, it is THEIR kid.

The article applies to me in a twisted, bit of hypocritical sense, in that I am raising SD12 and am "mom" and by God if the biological mother is going to pop back up after years of no contact (like a phone call every six to nine months, even though she lives 45 minutes away) and try to participate or have a say in MY kid's medical, education, or clothing. Aw hell no. My BM doesn't have any involvement in that stuff, which is good NOW, but, if BM had came around and had done anything at all, I would have kept myself out of it and left it to her. After nine years, however, you've abdicated any decision making and if my kid ever does end up going to her house one day in the future, my kid knows damn well that my rules extend WHEREEVER she goes, which means if I say no cell phone after 11pm, I don't give a frack what the adult in the house you visit says (BM or not), you turn off the texting at 11pm and when I say wear sunscreen and a one-piece, by god you best be wearing it.

I guess I am sort of a BM-in-SM-clothing so to speak?

But seriously, all situations are different from the spectrum extremes where I agree with the article for a BM to the extreme where the article fits for the SM decisions and BM having no say in it. Everyone is going to fall somewhere in between those two extremes, meaning the article is not going to be accurate for everyone.

I am sure there are tons of families where that article would not fit at all and the steps on both sides participate to varying degrees.

SDs 5 and 7 are in our home EOWE September~June and all of July.

Since they have a mother, there is no reason for me to step in and try to play mommy. I do not agree with most of her choices, but they are her choices to make, not mine.

****

My stepdaughters are here EOW and most days through the week till between 4 and 7. I do NOT WANT any of those responsibilities. I do not choose their clothes, do not have or want a say in their education, healthcare, or life choices. And I do not want DH to have a say in any of that with my bio kids.

I married DH with the full knowledge that he had kids and those kids have a mother. I did NOT marry those kids or their mother. My bios are my first concern, DH is second. As long as his kids aren't in any kind of life threatening danger, what goes on with them is none of my business.