How would you handle this?
SS14 is frustrated because BM keeps taking his money. This includes any money he receives for his Birthday, Christmas, or even gc's - she forces him to give them up to her. For his bday 4 months ago, she took his gc's under the premise that he was in trouble for his grades. (How is that even right? They were gifts!) He kept asking and she finally said she spent them for groceries. Really? iTunes carries groceries? Anyways, a few weeks ago she went to him and told him she needed money to go out. He told her no but she took it anyways. It was a day they were coming here for the weekend. (If you haven't guessed, she's a horrible spender. Claims no money but out with friends every weekend and out to eat most nights. Skids hate it because she never cooks.)
SS14 says she owes him over $150 now and will not pay it back. In the past, BM has come to pick skids up and she'll say, Let's go, we have to go to Target before we go home. To which SS14 will say, oh since we are going there do you have the $40 (or whatever amount it is that day) you owe me so I can get 'X' I want? BM's answer is always - I don't have to pay you back. I pay your bills and buy you groceries. WTF??
Side note because I get livid thinking about this: SS14 wanted to donate money to terminal kids for Christmas presents. BM told him she didn't have even $5 to spare. Bullshit of course, she just didn't want to give someone else her money. Anyways, SS14 took all of his money and donated it. And was proud. As he should have been. BM yelled at him when she found out. Told him she needed his money for groceries. God forbid you tell your kid what a nice and selfless thing he did and be proud of him. When he cried to me about it, all I could say is that he DID do a great thing and that no, it is NOT his responsibility to put groceries on his BM's table.
So last weekend SS14 asked me if we could help him. I let DH know when he got home from work and DH spoke with him about it the next morning. They brainstormed I guess (I wasn't there) and SS14 would like for DH to open a bank account with him that BM does not have access to. I'm not opposed to that but what suggestions do you have? I know that if he has an atm card - which is only fair for him to access his money - she'll just make him give her the pin. Of course, this will be after she flips her lid when she finds out.
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BM does this too. I'd have SS
BM does this too.
I'd have SS keep his money at your house. Only take 20.00 with him for pocket money. He can just say he doesn't have any money whenever she asks.
When he goes to your house, he can go buy whatever he wants with his gift cards and his cash.
What a bitch. I hate it when moms do that.
Don't let BM know about the
Don't let BM know about the account. Make it a savings account with no debit or ATM card. This is what I have for my kids. They can only make withdrawals when the bank is open. Sometimes inconvenience makes it easier to save money. Also if BM finds out but is not on the account she can't make withdrawals if there is no ATM access.
God! is our BM's from the
God! is our BM's from the same spending club?? We can't even send money to the kids as a birthday in the cards becaue BM will take the money. For years we would not let he kids take any high tech toys home because the BM would go hock them for money.
We let them take their high tech toys home this year to see what will happen. As far as money we only give money to them when they are here with us and they make sure they spend it before they go home to the BM house because they know they will not have it.
Hopefully they come back here with their high tech toy!
We start sticking money on gift cards to their favorite places they like to shop. Like Old Navy, Charming Charlie, the candy shop. but we are finding out we no longer can go the gift card way because BM can go to a pawn shop and sell them now. I have notice signs going up near pawn shops that they will buy your unused gift cards.
We are waiting to see what happens with the high tech toys we purchased for both.
We have decided to just start celebrating belated birthdays with them and keep the spending for them here where there mother can't take it away from them.
It is also sad that when we ask what happen to such and such she has taught the children to start lying to us to keep her protected. Unfortunately they are not good liars. We see right through it.
We did belated birthday
We did belated birthday celebrations. Gifts stayed at our house but often the gift was an outing or event tickets that couldn't be pawned. We did water parks, theme parks, diner theaters, indoor racing, beach weekends, laser tag, concerts and live shows. Kids remember this kind of thing forever. I still hear skid talk about feeding a circus elephant on her 5th birthday. The entire family had fun and birthday kid got a tee shirt or other souvenir also. Nothing for BM to benefit from.
In-laws made a rule years ago
In-laws made a rule years ago that any gifts come to our house and stay because they hate BM. They mostly send money and gc's so we've always had them spend them while with us and leave whatever they purchase here.
We stopped sending things to BM's house a while ago. We are the ones to purchase the gaming systems and such that they like and we used to let them take them wherever they wanted. But BM grounds them ALL THE TIME for stupid shit and then they have nothing to do there AND here. So even though DH may not agree with the punishment, their stuff would be at BM's house so they were still assed out. So DH said from now on, what I buy stays here. They were mad at first but after a few weeks they saw the value in that.
My only concern is SS not
My only concern is SS not having access to his money when HE wants it. BM is so vindictive that I can see her refusing to even take him to the bank to get his money out just because she is not in control. Currently skids are only here 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends. I do like the idea of him keeping $20 cash. Plus, if he waits to spend when he's here, he may think more about the purchase and if it's necessary - which is not a bad thing. We have been trying to teach him the value of money but it's getting harder and harder as he gets older and sees BM's habits.
For now that may be the only
For now that may be the only option. Eventually, he'll be old enough to just say NO. That's what happened with my Steps.
I totally understand that BM
I totally understand that BM is a total loser. ….BBUUUUT…telling a kid to lie to his parent is a little to creepy for me. Just have him keep money at your house.
He is going to have to start standing up for himself and his money soon.
SD keeps all of her money at
SD keeps all of her money at our house. If by chance she does need it while at the BM's she will call and ask us. Which is rare because she knows we will ask her what she needs the money for. She is very good with her money and budgets it to keep her nails up.
DH and I both give SS money
DH and I both give SS money for holidays and gift cards. We do not let him have them when he leaves our house. He spends them on our time. This way it doesn't get lost and he spends it on items that he uses with us. Just stop letting him take it with him. He can wait to buy anything until he is on your time.