Why do I feel so heartless?
She is an innocent 12/13 year old girl who is dealing with a lot. She doesn't have a father at home, her mother was in the hospital after having a mental break-down, as a result, her grades took a nose-dive and she is now failing. Her brothers who live with her are always constantly fighting and usually never have a kind word towards her. She locks herself up in a room, spends a tremendous amount of time on her phone and schedules her life with friends to stay out of her house. Her father has another family who he lives with and dedicates all of his time too except for the 8 days a month he is with them. We recently and finally had a baby girl so she is no longer the only girl in the family. My children attend private and gifted schools while they go to public, could jealousy be a factor here as well?
She has been acting out in a very rebellious, rude and disrespectful manner - she is not handling it well and it has caused me to ask myself, despite what I know above
Why then do I not care about her?
Why can't I feel for her situation as a woman and someone who was once a teenager ?
Why do I feel so heartless?
After I called her out - she told her dad she doesn't feel welcome and now it has come to my attention that she doesn't want to come to the house. I don't care about her enough to feel sadness of this revelation and that really bothers me...What is my problem? This is a child, I should be MORE SUPPORTIVE but I can't find it in me.
Update: Thank you for all the constructive and productive comments. This feedback helps me keep sane!!!
1) You guys have helped me understand why I feel this way and yes her not being my bio child and threatening the household and the mental well being of my own children are reasons that is causing me to get this way.
2) I understand she is a child and fake it till you make it is something I must do to ensure she doesn't feel like she doesn't have adults in her corner. I have since sent a text message letting her know that I am sorry for whatever she is going through, I understand but hope that change can come about soon since her father is now trying to take control of the situation.
3) I shared my concerns with my husband and I explained to him that I will not be a scapegoat for their lack of parenting just because I called her out on her behavior. This situation is not about ME, it is about her mounting issues that have not been addressed by either parents. It s not my responsibility to parent her and solve her issues, she has two healthy parents who needs to simply do more. I have decided in order for that to work, I will go to my Mom's on their weekend while he enlists a therapist to come to the home on their weekends and he can plan his one on one time with them. Figure 4 days a month is not going to harm my children and he could use the individual time to work out issues with his children without the distraction of myself and our kids. Plus it's an actual break for me and it gives me needed time to keep my children in check while they hopefully move to something more positive.
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I think it's tough sometimes.
I think it's tough sometimes. These kids are living, breathing testaments and reminders that our partners had a life and a love before us. They are also the surrogate for the other bioparent as a presence in our homes... and when the relationship is particularly high conflict..or where there are significant financial burdens placed on your husband as a result of the obligation to these children... it's really difficult to not look at that chunk of money leaving your household and thinking how much could be done with it... if only he didn't have to pay his EX. (who to outside eyes appears to not spend much of it towards the kids). They are also an unrelated to us person that we have to share the attention and affection of our SO with. Plus.. at the base of it.. kids are kind of pains in the tail. And... sure, sometimes you just don't care for people you meet and these kids often have mannerisms or traits of their other bio parent which can be particularly grating. They require constant supervision and guidance and if one or both of the parents checks out.. they will not usually gravitate to being upstanding citizens.. So, it's not difficult to resent the fact that our SO's had kids with someone else.. and that resentment can transfer towards the kids themselves. So... in a nutshell, I think that's a lot of the reason why we can have a hard time warming to these children.
But, as you clearly pointed out, some of these kids truly got dealt a raw deal. It can't be easy shuttling from one place to another and being forced to spend time with people that you feel really might not care for you at all. So, you are a 12/13 year old girl which is pretty much the tops of your most awkward times in your life.. you don't belong anywhere... and now, you don't feel you belong at your dad's home either. You don't know how to deal with it all and you act out.. which just makes it worse.. but at least you get some small satisfaction that other people are also upset. But, it's not what they really want.. but they just don't know how to fix it.. so it persists and can cause a lot of upheaval.
I guess my best advice is that we focus on what we train ourselves to focus on. So... fake it till you make it. Try to pretend you like her and have empathy for her. Remind yourself of the raw deal she is getting and that it is her only childhood.. she doesn't get a do-over. As adults.. we can move on.. new relationships.. but she won't get this time as a kid back. She doesn't have a choice to move on now.. she is where she is. That doesn't mean that your DH lets her rule the roost.. and that you have to like her acting out... or that she doesn't have consequences.. but maybe the kinder you treat her... the better things will become as you move along?
First response and I had a
@ ESMOD
First response and I had a take away - I sent her a text letting her know that as a responsible adult in her life I want her to know that
a) she may not feel welcome here but she is loved, missed and cared for by the family ( I didn't spefically say me but I did piggy back)
b) I apologize if my words were not framed in the most savory way but I hoped for a solution so we can move to happier times.
c) I explained to her that she was beautiful, intelligent, smart etc and that is how I saw her despite the daily frustrations. I also mentioned that her not wanting to engage or come back is completely her choice and understandable and she would not be force to engage for the sake of it. Take your time and work out your issues with parents and I will be here in whatever capacity she needs me to be. I wished her a great school year and I left it at that. She has not responded and I will not reach out further.
However, her dad after meeting her last night, told me for the first time, she was WARM the entire time - but I dont know if that had anything to do with my text since she never acknowledged it - but that was to be expected.
Thanks again.
I don't have any advice for
I don't have any advice for you, but I do feel for you and don't think you're a terrible person. I think when you step back and look at it objectively, you can see SD's situation and empathize. However, when you're so close to it, caught up in the minutia of it, that's what is the most "in your face"- the day to day annoyances and frustrations, and it's hard to keep focus on the big picture. Plus, there is no excuse for disrespect, and it's hard to like someone who treats you poorly. A hard life is no excuse to treat others poorly. I hope she is not just getting away with it, because that is just teaching her to be a bad person, which isn't helping her anyway.
I love everything you just
I love everything you just said. Thank you so much for saying I am not a terrible person. I believe I am after reading each's person response twice. I am deeply grateful to have made a connection with people who have gone through similar. It makes me not feel alone and that I am not crazy.
Personally, I could never
Personally, I could never feel that much sympathy for my SD's destructive, hurtful behavior because:
1. My parents had a much nastier marraige/divorce than hers and I never pulled the shit she has.
2. At 12/13, my SD (AND YOURS) knows right from wrong. They are responsible for their actions at this age. Sure, they may need help coping with how they react, but that doesn't make them "innocent."
3. The stress of her constant acting out had a real physical impact on my health. When she stopped coming to our house to avoid any consequences of her behavior, my insomnia cleared up in a matter of weeks.
4. I had spent years and years during the prime of my life sacrificing and busting my ass for her only to be kicked in the gut by her words and actions. My conscious is clear. I did more for her and her brother than either bio parent and I really friggin tried to earn their love and respect.
You are feeling pressured to care (by DH? Your own unrealistic expectations for yourself? Both?) But you can't, so you feel guilty or as though your feelings are wrong. Why? Have YOU wronged her? Has all of your caring done anything in the past to help her? Does she appreciate your kindness? You seem like a lovely person, so I'm guessing you didn't get to this point if the answer was yes to any of those questions.
Ah not sure if she
Ah not sure if she appreciates anyone's kindness, these kids do feel "entitled" and only get happy when you take them to the stores for a new phone or something or equal value. I feel pressure by my own unrealistic expectations. I want to be happy with them in my lives but so far, it's not happening. They are not bad kids, they are just draining and their lack of gratitude makes me want to run away because I am not Mother Theresa, I didn't do this just because I want to help kids through their issues. I expect some form of reciporation. And at times, it feels like, I am a variable. Whether I am here or not, it makes no difference. I put a lot of effort into their lives, using my peak years to dedicate to them and for what? Thus the pull away and distance.
Your words ring true because I think about that a lot. I met these kids in my 20s and now I am in my early 30s and I dont want to give them anymore and after getting on this site and seeing therapists, I am ready to let them go, there are not my responsibility and I want to start living my life with me in the driver's seat. Let dad and mom take over, it's not my job to solve their most complex issues. NOPE, not my headache anymore.
Thank you so much for your insights.
I like what beebeel mentioned
I like what beebeel mentioned... Have you wronged her? We often feel, especially as stepmoms, that if we're not loving our stepkids unconditionally the way we do our own, we're "wronging" them. I always try to remind myself that it's OK that I'm the stepmom - not the biological mom. I can't change the relationship between SM/SD just because SD is sad she doesn't have a proper mother.
I am an addition to her life. I've brought her a baby brother, a beautiful home, a level of financial support she'd quite honestly never have without me. I don't need to bring her unconditional love - that's her mom and dad's job. If her mom doesn't do it (which she doesn't), that's sad, but it's not MY guilt to feel. I try to treat my son and my stepdaughter the same, but in terms of affection, I am much more affectionate with my son. That's not a bad thing. It's natural.
I won't do anything that feels "forced" with SD, and I know that it's confusing to her - seeing me with her brother while she doesn't have that from her mom. But that's not my fault. Again, that's not MY guilt to feel. Hopefully, she'll grow up and realize that biological bonds are different. She'll have kids of her own and she'll understand. She'll be thankful she had an "extra" person in her life who cared for her and she'll get it for what it is.
If she doesn't, that's ok too. I know I didn't "wrong" her at any point. I did my best. I brought MORE to her life.
I have not wronged her
I have not wronged her intentionally meaning I have better relationships with her brothers because they are more open to communication and I have not made the grand effort to drill through her armor to connect with her. I feel this could be the biggest misstep (if there is one) on my part. But I have my motherly responsibilties to my children, when she started spiraling, my daughter was only 4 months old and I didn't have energy for her. Her mother at the same time, had a mental breakdown and was in the hospital for almost three months and dad screwed up and didn't take his exes place. He allowed their mother to call the shots - which saw the children staying with grandparents and best friends while she was in the hospital. I told Dad to get his ass over and be stable parent in their lives - that this will rock the boat for them to lose their main parent for three months. However, their mom probably was scared she would lose custody or reduced support or whatever so she fought hard on that - in the end, the kids suffered because they lost their ROCK.
With step daughter increasing rudeness and disrespect, I just got really frustrated and called her out on it - which then led to I don't want to come back there, I don't feel welcomed. But I was not responsible for her ongoing unhappiness. Granted I could have said it a different way but not sure if that would have resulted in a different outcome either.