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Anyone else stay for the sake of their Bio Child…

betterdaysahead12's picture

Submitted by betterdaysahead12 on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 10:38am

It’s been awhile since I have posted. A lot has happened over the last months and things haven’t gotten any better. My DH and I are on the verge of a divorce. I am at the point where I feel that if he left, I know I would be happier, because the skids wouldn’t be around me anymore.

Background: Skids 10 Year Old Twin Boys. Live with us Full Time because BM left to make a better life for herself and will come back and get her boys when she has done that. She moved 5 states away. Sees the boys on holidays, school breaks and summer. However, she did not get them this summer because she took a new job where she will be working overnight and has no childcare for the boys so they are with us this summer.

I don’t mind this arrangement but for the fact that they are so unruly. This isn’t only coming from me. It comes from the summer camp counselors (they get written up everyday, don’t know how they are still enrolled), from teachers, friends, relatives etc. My MIL doesn’t even pick them up anymore because her husband does not want to be around them. My SIL doesn’t watch them anymore either and calls me daily to see how I’m doing and wondering how I do it all.

I have almost lost my career because of these boys, yet their mother and my DH get to go to work in peace without having to change work schedules etc to accommodate the boys. Meanwhile, since I am the person who drops off and picks up, my career is jeopardized with this whacky schedule. BM lives states away so she can’t do the pick ups and drop off and DH leaves for work at 4am so he can’t do it.

In any event, is there ANYONE out there who stays in their horrible situation for one reason and one reason only: You do not leave (well not yet anyway) because of your bio kid that you have with your partner? You don’t want to leave because you don’t know what your skids will do to your biokid if you are not around to protect them? If my baby was a little older and could tell me what was going on I wouldn’t care to leave now. But because he is still a baby, I don’t trust that my DH will watch him the way that I will around his “princes”. I know that is bad to say, but he treats them diff than the baby. It’s like his 1st born boys are all that matters, and they do no wrong etc.

I have caught them throwing balls at the baby, blowing their stinky breath in his face and pulled on his ears once (that I saw with my own eyes). I wanted to call the police when I saw that, but DH stopped me and had a conversation with them. They said they wanted to play with the baby (this was when they were 8 when the baby was close to 10 months, baby is now 2). I talked to a lawyer and the lawyer stated that children are curious about new siblings so this isn’t anything that a judge will consider if I ask that they are not around the baby during visits if I leave. I was told the baby had to be in harms way around them. So basically they have to HURT my baby in order for them not to be around him. I will not put my baby in that situation and rather stay until he is old enough to tell me if they do something to him. I walk around the house with the baby glued on my hip for fear they will do something to him when I am in the kitchen or another room etc. I feel so trapped…

Comments

DarkStar's picture

Submitted by DarkStar on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 10:47am

Do you have friends or family in the area with whom you can stay while you get on your feet?

Also, do you think your DH would agree to limited visitation since he is so disinterested in your bio together?

betterdaysahead12's picture

Submitted by betterdaysahead12 on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 3:16pm

I do have family that I can stay with since it will most likely get to that point.

You know... I never thought about that. Maybe that is a conversation we need to have upon my exit. Thanks

betterdaysahead12's picture

Submitted by betterdaysahead12 on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 3:21pm

He did tell them not to pull on or throw things at the baby. But as far as their behavior in general, he always says: "they are twins, they will act this way".

I'm tired of that excuse. That is not true that twins don't behave.... I'm not even talking about "kids will be kids" things. Normal children annoyances do not bother me.

They talk back to him in a screaming voice when he tells them to do their chores. They scream at their teachers and camp counselors when they are told to be quiet or behave. They pee and smear poop all over the toilet and they are 10 years old. They FAKE brush their teeth. They have so many cavities, it's almost child abuse because that is the parents' fault I believe... They ride their bikes all through my house, jump all over my furniture. Have broken 2 sofas and all of our dining room chairs. The list goes on and my DH keeps saying that it's because they are twins? They will get the xbox or ipad taken away for like a week, but still watch TV, eat ice cream and get to play outside. What type of punishment is that for breaking all of our furniture???

I have completely disengaged....

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 10:55am

And no I wouldnt stay for the sake of kids.

I did with my Ex. If anything good that came out of it, he is a decent dad to our BS, so they have a good bond and my BS has good memories of us being together.

But for me, it sucked the life out of me. He was abusive, didnt want to pay the bills, unmotivated, BPD (I'm sure) etc.

I was so busy dealing with his crap and trying to keep us afloat, that I didnt get to enjoy being a MOTHER. My BS who was so small at this time, didnt always get what he needed from me as a mother because I was so mentally drained and stressed and DEPRESSED. I regret staying with him for that reason.

betterdaysahead12's picture

Submitted by betterdaysahead12 on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 3:22pm

I think I feel like you at this point. So drained and depressed... This can't be healthy for me or my BS...

betterdaysahead12's picture

Submitted by betterdaysahead12 on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 3:36pm

I think about the minimal exposure for my baby to the twins being better than 24/7 at times as well... I am seriously thinking of this. I just hate to think what the twins would do to the baby if DH was in the shower.... Cooking.... etc and the twins are in another room with the baby... Once he is able to talk, he will be able to tell me of abuse by them. However, I really can't wait that long to leave... I haven't explained it all, but may in another blog, but the situation has gotten bad... The whole reason is because DH doesn't recognize his kids behavior problems and will not act upon that. He has switched 4 schools because of their behavior stating that the schools are against his children. WHAT? How are 4 diff schools lying on your twins behavior? He curses his mother for not watching them anymore. But they have put holes in her walls, destroyed furniture, do not listen to any directions from her at all and the list goes on... I can't live with children like this anymore and fear for my baby being in the house with them. I dont have a problem with DH being with BS 50/50 visitation, it's the skids that I am worried about being around the baby.... I guess there is no getting around that.

learningallthetime's picture

Submitted by learningallthetime on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 11:48am

I stayed for BS7. I thought he deserved to be with the skids and have a relationship with them, despite his father being a complete sociopath and loser. I even left in 2009 and returned to the UK (took the opportunity when ex was sent to jail), and got talked into coming back to the USA for BS7. BIG MISTAKE. However, I have now carved my little life in the USA. It is harder than it would be in the UK with my family but it works. I am SO happy I am not with my ex now. He triggered the breakup, but I am the one thriving because of it while he is desperately trying to scam people on craigslist! Also, he does not have the ammunition against me, I feel secure with my BS7. BS7 and I are TIGHT! Me and BM1 arrange for BS7 and skids to meet on our time too (largely as we both think ex is headed to jail soon and so want them to see each other on our time so it is normal) - we do things like the beach, they all play together without our interference.

Long story short, I am so glad I left - I stayed for BS7, but it was not worth it. I was unhappy and that meant even though I saw BS7 100% of the time, neither of us enjoyed it. Now, we have 50:50 and my BS7 and I have the best time together - quality absolutely makes up for quantity. And, he gets to see the difference between the way ex lives and I live. Just this last week I have had BS7 comment: why do you know so many people? Why do people help you so much? How can we do so many trips? All learning experiences, where if I was still with ex he would still be seeing a stressed mom, no money and a scamming dad. Not a good picture. Even BS7 says "I love daddy, but he made you sad, now you are happy. Now GF is the one that screams and yells, even though daddy says you do, and you do not". Errrr yeah...daddy does that to people!

NEVER stay for a kid, it never works well.

betterdaysahead12's picture

Submitted by betterdaysahead12 on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 3:25pm

I am agreeing with you here. I can't stand it and I dont want to stay just because of the baby... I only thought to stay so that he wouldn't get abused by the twins in the event my DH was not in the same room etc.... And then leave my DH once my baby can talk and be able to tell me of any type of abuse.... But I see that it's probably better to just leave altogether and try to work something out as far as visitation with DH and hope that the twins will not terrorize my little one. I dont mind DH having the baby 50/50. It's just that I fear for the baby around the twins when I'm not there to watch their behavior....

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 12:04pm

I think short of abuse, adultery or addiction, I would rather see kids in an intact family. Wait until kid is much older to get a divorce. Like out of HS. JMHO

I feel really bad for what my SS went through being a COD. It is what most kids go through as a COD.

They are rarely disciplined so they get a false sense of self.
They are usually terrible in school because neither of the parents wants to come down hard on them.
They hear their parents say things about the other parent that no kid should hear.
They are spoilt and not raised right.
They really have no home.
I could go on and on.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 12:17pm

I am a COD and my BS is (well his dad and I were never married, split when he was 5 years old) and none of those things apply to me or my BS... just an FYI...or really any COD that I know of... except the skids...

learningallthetime's picture

Submitted by learningallthetime on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 12:30pm

Although my situation was abusive (BS7 saw things he never should - me being choked on the bed, heard the yelling and screaming from both of us, saw my ex physically preventing my leaving the house) so it was obviously better for him we split. Unfortunately he still see's the abuse cycle at exes, but now has my normal example, I think saying staying together for the kids is right, is not always the case.

BS7 has improved at school (although was only just beginning K when we split). It depends on the parents. And the continued fighting. I parent BS7 the way I would in an intact family - he does not get breaks for being a COD. If he acts spoiled I tell him to be grateful he has two families etc.

I think the problems come with the overcompensating for feeling the child is deprived - and I did that more for BS7 when I was with my ex!

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 12:36pm

I think short of abuse, adultery or addiction, I would rather see kids in an intact family
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You clearly were in an abusive situation.

betterdaysahead12's picture

Submitted by betterdaysahead12 on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 3:31pm

Some of what you list is how the twins are treated by my DH... They are spoiled and not raised right. They have a home because they live with us full time... But you are right, they are rarely disciplined. DH and BM were never married and split when the twins were a year old. They have always lived with DH, but BM would see them on a joint custody arrangement. Now that she moved 6 hours away, they see her maybe 4 times a year and never for more than a week. They used to see her all summer, but that has stopped now that she took a job where she can't get childcare for them. This is what she tells us, what is true, who knows and at this point, we dont even care because she is no help or use to them regardless...

I think DH does treat them how he does maybe because of guilt that they dont have their mother. I hate to leave my DH, but I am so miserable because of my skids that sometimes I wish I could just DIE. That is how bad it is.... I have enrolled myself in therapy which is why I have the strength to leave now, but my dilemma is if I leave will the twins terrorize my little one while I'm not there to watch their every move.....

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 12:27pm

You and your BS are very lucky. The majority of COD that I know are raised like most of the skids here.

learningallthetime's picture

Submitted by learningallthetime on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 12:38pm

I agree, I see so many bad single families. People do try and spoil BS7. Grandma just last week (not actual grandma, but he thinks she is!) tried to buy him stuff while I was helping her grocery shop. BS7 asked her why? She said because she wanted to. He said "well ok, but I have to do something for you first" and insisted on pushing her cart and helping. Then he picked a small stuffed animal and refused more despite her offering. I was so proud!

Parenting is parenting in single family or intact. I see so many terrible examples of intact families too!

It is parenting, simple. Took neighbor girl (9) with me and BS7 to the waterpark yesterday (they both had free tickets from school) - she ignored the rules and ran off. Got yanked back, sat with me and given a talking to. She said she did not think I punished, but boy did she learn! She said "but you do not yell all the time like my mom and dad". I said "no, but I will sure as hell make life hell if you disobey me" She then said she was going to tell her mom I was mean, I dug out my phone and said "ok, let me call her", she then tried to stop me, but I called, and explained and her mom told her she better listen! The rest of the trip was fine, she would let me know where she was, come and check in, and on the way home said it was her best day ever. BS7 told her "mom is awesome, but mommy has rules and NO ONE breaks them". That is how EVERY kid should feel LMAO

betterdaysahead12's picture

Submitted by betterdaysahead12 on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 3:38pm

I totally agree with you: Parenting is parenting in single family or intact. I see so many terrible examples of intact families too...

These twins need some parenting... I have totally disengaged and my household has turned into a disaster.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 12:46pm

Yes we are Smile

And hecks no my mom wouldnt let that crap fly... so I have followed her example Smile

Now my skids..... if anything, BM and DH should have stayed together so they wouldn't have put their kid issues on anyone else.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 12:57pm

I think your DH and BM need a reality check. This is ridiculous that so much of their care/transportation is put on you. I mean what would your DH do if you left tomorrow? He'd figure it out. Well he needs to figure it out right now. I don't mind helping DH once in a while with transportation or what have you for SD16, but by once in a while I mean like 2% of the time. Because I made it CRYSTAL clear before she moved in that I was NOT going to be the maid, taxi service etc. and damn it I stuck to that. Too bad if DH has to rearrange his schedule or cancel an appointment, too freaking bad. HIS kid, HE made the decision to have her there so HE can take care of her.

do you have someone you can go and stay with for a week or two to give your DH a reality check?

betterdaysahead12's picture

Submitted by betterdaysahead12 on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 3:45pm

All my friends tell me this... You are right... If I wasn't here what would he do. I do get pissed at thinking how BM can go to work anytime she wants too and so can DH, but I have to rearrange my schedule so that I can drop off and pick up THEIR kids.... We argue about this all the time. I have a career that I have been working since before I met DH and that is the only reason why I am able to come late at times and stay late to make up time, however my director has approached me several times stating the childcare has to be worked out somehow...

There is a list of ridiculousness that these boys resort too that would take hours to list here, but none of it is normal childhood annoyances. I don’t mind normal things that children do to annoy, because that is part of kids growing up. But being respectful of adults and property etc. have to be taught and I know DH and BM disregard that. I don’t know what type of citizens they will grow up to be in this society.

I mean they are so disrespectful it is to the point that NONE of our friends will even invite us over to their kids bday parties, bbq's etc. because they don’t want the twins around. They have broken things at our friends house. Overflowed a bathtub and cause $11,000 worth of WATER DAMAGE and still lie to this day and say it wasn't them and the list goes on...

I don’t mind my DH having 50/50 visitation of our child at all. I just fear my baby being left alone with the twins and what they will do to him until he can fully speak and let me know what is going on.

I do have family and friends that I can stay with for awhile. Many people have suggested that and I might do that for peace of mind. I'm at a very bad state of mind right now and I'm at the end of my rope honestly... Thanks for your reply...

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 4:31pm

Learn to say NO. There is no argument to it. He can get mad but you just continue to say NO every time. They are NOT your monkeys, it isn't your circus. They aren't YOUR responsibility.

Jewals's picture

Submitted by Jewals on Tue, 07/22/2014 - 5:00pm

I don't trust my SS who is 8 with my 2 year old. We've had several issues with him.. Wetting in the 2 year old, hitting me, throwing balls at the little one .. I feel like it will get worse but I'm afraid to leave where my bs will get sent with them

betterdaysahead12's picture

Submitted by betterdaysahead12 on Wed, 07/23/2014 - 8:16am

See this is what I'm talking about as far as my situation. I'm afraid to leave right now anyway, because I dont know what they will do when I'm not there. I can't trust my DH to watch the baby like I will and he keeps saying the twins will not do anything. I don't trust them or him to watch my baby so I live miserable for now. How do you do it? It is hard isn't it? There is no one that gives me any idea on what to do, so for now I'm waiting for the baby to be able to talk better so that he can tell me what is going on...

Jewals's picture

Submitted by Jewals on Wed, 07/23/2014 - 1:05pm

Most days I about go crazy. My bS and the ss8 are not allowed in rooms alone. I left them watching tv to go put clothes in the drier and they snuck to the bathroom and that's when he peed on my bs. Thankfully my inlaws are starting to see how he is. He picks on the little cousins too. I think DH realizes it he's just afraid to be to tough. I have refused to keep him by myself lately. It's definatly no fun