Am I wrong for feeling this way??
I have had a couple replies here that have made me question how I feel.
Am I wrong for feeling like DH is being used?
Am I wrong for being upset that DH buys SGD everything when she doesn't respect him?
Even DH will tell you SD and SGD don't respect him and he wonders if either one are capable of love. But yet he feels like he is all they have. He wants to be nice, he wants to take care of them...
And I feel like his good nature is being taken advantage of. I feel like I'm the only person in the world he demands fair treatment from. SD and SGD can treat him like crap and it's fine. I snap at him because of whatever,life, stress, tired or human and he will call me on it.
Shit he does more for SD and SGD then his own bio.
He didn't even know or spend time with SGD the first 4 years of her life. Had her living with him for 6 months. Then didn't see her for a year and 1/2. 6 months prior to us moving in together he gets SGD dropped in his lap again.
I have read replies to my posts that make me feel like I'm coming across that I just want him to take care of my kids and dump SD and SGD. That isn't it at all.
I just don't want him to be used. Anytime SD calls she wants something.
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You can feel that way ~ but
You can feel that way ~ but you can't control what other people do. His issue is that he tolerates it ~ he is the only one that change adjust some sort of behavior. You can't demand it. We dictate how people treat us.
I think most of us here in ST feel the same way about our SKids n DH. But if it isn't an issue with him ~ you can't make him see it either. It's his burden not yours.
Think of it this way ~ if they are disrespectful to you ~ you take control n address it. That's the only control you have. You can talk till you are blue in the face ~ let it go !
I used to go nuts with the disrespect his daughter handed out to him but he doesn't see it. And better yet won't see it. I think they see the daughters in front of them in the vision of them being 2 years old.
Here let me get some windex n clean the shit off your glasses honey ~ your daughter is not what you think she is.
You are not wrong for feeling
You are not wrong for feeling like he is being used but as long as he is a willing participant, you are driving yourself crazy thinking about it.
He needs to somehow see what he is doing and that it's not what's best for the situation and everybody involved. He is not teaching the SD and the SGD how life really works and how to treat people. And he is alienating you and probably his bio by treating everybody so differently.
My DH knows that his daughter (23) does not respect him, his advice, or his opinions. She lies to him and tries to manipulate him. So, although he loves her, he does not drop everything for her nor give her money. She screwed herself a long time ago and frankly, I'm glad he keeps his guard up with her. He got tired of being treated like crap.
Your DH needs to realize that SD is what, 28? And married? It's time for her to take care of herself and her daughter. He needs to step back and let that happen.
I understand your feelings
I understand your feelings and have been there myself. Take it from me, this will drive you crazy! It's hard being on the outside and seeing things from a different perspective but being unable to change it. Best advice I can give you, take a step back and take a clean, refreshing breath. The manipulation he is experiencing is his to feel and deal with until he decides when to make a change. He will at some point take a stand but it may not be in the time frame you would like or in the manner you think he should. My DH has been through hell and back with his 12yr old daughter because of her manipulations and lies. He would vent to me and like you, I'd snap at him about being unrealistic and not seeing what was truly going on. It created problems between us. So, I took a backseat and saved my sanity. It took him about 2 months but he finally took a stand and things are much better. I can't tell you that it will make your life easier but it will make you feel better if you can somehow back out of the drama. I hope this helps
I understand he sees them as
I understand he sees them as family. As far as being responsible for them?? SD is 28, married with 3 kids and one SS. Don't think she is DHs responsibility. We have had 5 counselors tell him not his problem. SD distorted is 2nd married, and stole so much time, attention and love from his bio. He almost let SGD do the same with our marriage.
It didn't use to always be this way. The first 2 yrs his bio SD25 lived with us. She introduces me as mom. I am only 9 yrs older then her but I feel like she is family. I love her as much as I love my newphew. SD28 and SSIL would be over almost every weekend. SSIL has a boy7,SD28 has a boy 9, I have BS9. They would all play together. I use to watch SGD2 a lot. Was the first person SD28 left her with. Last summer SD25, SD28 went out drinking. SD28 went home, SD25 went with her. Huge fight with SSIL. He left. SD28 called me, and ended up driving drunk with SGD2. In the car. She was 9 months old at the time. I called DH who was at work. SSIL and DH called the PD and CPS. SD25 also made a police report. It was to much. I have my own to watch out for. After 2 yrs of continuous problems and drama ... I drew my line. No more. Told DH have whatever relationship you want.. Away from our house, away from my kids and away from me.
DH is not responsible. He has tried to save SD28 since he married her mother. It has cost him so much. Too much.
I miss them. Well, I don't miss SGD. But she hurt my kids, and physically attacked me more then once. Kicked my daughters cat in the head, held my pom down on the sidewalk... Too much. I am enjoying the peace of her being back with her mom.
SD25 is my family. Independent of DH. We have a real relationship.
I miss SD28, SSIL, SGS9, SGS7 (a lot, really miss that boy) miss seeing SGD2 grow up. But they are not our responsibility. They are not DHs responsibility.
My responsibility is to my own kids. To my marriage.
I can never post enough to explain it all.
DH has to let go. He lets his own bio take more responsibility for her own life then SD. It is painful to watch. Anytime she gets mad at him, he becomes first name. No longer dad. During the last 10 yrs DH has lost a marriage, a house, been evicted, almost lost his job, almost lost his life, all for SD.
For SGD he almost lost his job, almost lost a marriage, has lost friendship because people don't want her around their kids.
Has had 5 counselors tell him he is not responsible and can't not fix this.
And that is why I'm in
And that is why I'm in counseling working on acceptance. But it is still really hard to watch him be used, be walked on, be hurt.