Well, the bottom line is that DH has to agree with your wishes on the child support matter.  Instead of focusing on what he sends BM, focus on what is needed to cover your monthly bills, including paying down your credit cards and saving for vacations, home renovations and retirement. 

All you can do is let him know you will be splitting finances and expecting X amount as his contribution to the monthly bills if he won't even discuss the financial issues. 

First off-girl BEEN THERE. Done that. And I’m here to tell you, that little thread of hope you are clinging to is a VERY powerful thing. 

Ive been off ST for a hot minute, but no less than 2 years ago I sat where you sat. My SO’s finances were a mess, we were hemorrhaging hundrededs (although not necessiarily all due to CS-but CS was part of it) and BM2 (yeah 2)  just wanted more more more. 

Take a breath. I too am head penny pincher and bookkeeper for my family. My finances are separated from my SO’s but I control all the accounts. 

What worked for me, was setting up 3 accounts-my account where all my money goes. His account where all his month goes-but I have the ability to transfer funds in and out-and a shared savings account (that only I have access to). BM2 would lay guilt on thick or only let SO see SD9 when there was a lot of money to be spent, book fairs, shopping, going to arcades, gymnastics, softball, theatre camps, dance etc when we were barely keeping a roof over heads (ie 3 months behind in rent and I had been 6 with out medication I very badly need). Getting him to agree to this was a fight, because no one wants to give up all of that control but the simple truth was, I couldn’t make ends meet by myself at that point and his paycheck might as well have read BM2’s name on it. I literally just took BD5 to buy brand new clothing like from a store on Tuesday for the first time in her LIFE. Clothing that wasn’t a handme down or from a second hand store. Meanwhile BD9 wants for nothing and never will. 

He told you he wishes he was dead. In your other thread someone said that was manipulative. I strongly disagree. He CLEARLY is between a rock and a hard place. He wants to keep his word to BM (even as ludacrious as it is-and it is ludacrious) but it’s not necessarily altruistic-he’s afraid of blame, shame and pain and believe you me-a lot of men will do ANYTHING A N Y T H I N G to avoid that. My SO included. Then he’s got your shared children, but even if he’s not conscious of it, he sees them at an advantage because they live with you both. Is it fair? No. But he doesn’t feel the absenteeism he feels with his older children that is causing him to hurl money at them trying to put a band aid on a bullethole-perceived or otherwise. In sum he is lacking in CONFIDENCE. This is why your fights go nowhere because they too are blows to his confidence. Are you responsible for that? Hell to the no. But here’s the thing-do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? 

This will not be fixed overnight. This is a long term problem that requires a long term solution-that is attainable if you feel that is in your and your children’s best interest (notice how I put you first-YOUR happiness is their 1st and best interest-because you can’t take proper care of them if you don’t take proper care of you)

What I have learned, is that if you want to fix the problem, you’ve got to yank that sucker out by its roots. If you are having these financial problems, you have got to quash the way he deals with his guilt towards his older children. If my parents didn’t have money for something-I didn’t do it. If I didn’t take care of my responsibilities like car insurance at 16 with a job, I didn’t have a car. SD might be mad at him-which magnifies his guilt. BM will most certainly add onto that-again magnifying that guilt. Then, if he gives them what they want, he’s disappointing (and rightfully so you don’t deserve this) you. Your littles can’t provide for themselves. SD is old enough to pull some of her own weight-becaue guess what sweet cheeks that’s LIFE. If you want him to take that stance-you have to build up his confidence as a man and as a father to say NO to the money vampires and start instilling values in his children or they will be life long leeches and he will be alone becais you will have rightfully walked away.

Now is any of this YOUR responsibility? F-no. If you go, no one, including myself, would blame you for one hot second. Just do me a favor going into this conversation with him tonight-remember people don’t fight to be right. They fight to be understood. What do you want him to understand about how you feel? Don’t dance around it just lay it out. Also remember-respond, don’t react if he angers-because guilt is a nasty emotion and it will protect his ego at all costs. That’s not him-that’s just the pain in him fighting to stay put. And then make a point to try to sift out what he needs YOU to understand. You can have opposing opinions, and still be on the same team. Then work on a plan. What are you gonna DO? What does each of you NEED? Are you willing to give those things to one another? 

Godspeed Mama. There is a light at the end of the tunnel but only if you grab the bull by the horns and want it. If you don’t-that is okay too. You are free to get up and walk away if I’m your soul you know that’s what’s best. 

First, kudos for not giving in to an urge to talk right then and there this morning.  I am one of those people who like to deal with things right away and stewing is incredibly destructive to me.  As a result, I can not tell you how many times I got to the office far later than I had planned because we got into something in the morning.  Not only did I get a late start to my day but I was in a crap mood that made me completely unproductive and unfocused.  He was too.  Both of us would then have double the work the next day to make up for the wasted day before.  You were smart to put it off.

Second, you have every right to be concerned.  My question to you is whether your DH is acting out of a sense of guilt, responsibility, or ego.  Or a combination of all the above?  If so, what percentage of each?  Because I dealt with the same issues and I believed my DH when he claimed that he acted out of a sense of responsibility with a side order of guilt.  I loved him and wanted to see him in the best light.  But then I found out that he was hiding some things from me in order to continue providing an extraordinary amount of money to the skids and BM.  If he was truly acting mostly out of an aboveboard sense of responsibility then there would be no need for any deception, defensiveness, or anger.  People who believe that they are truly doing right are not angry when confronted.  They are confused by someone thinking they are doing something wrong and want to explain their actions.  Not attack and belittle and do the smoke and mirror routine.  So I knew there was a deeper issue and we had serious work to do beyond basic dollars and cents. 

My suggestion to you is to get to the bottom of where all of this is coming from first because no budget agreement is ever going to stick unless he wants it to.  A new child support agreement can be signed but that will not prevent additional money from being spent how he chooses.  The only thing that will is a genuine understanding being reached between you and that trust is a delicate thing.

Thid might be a low blow but ... check out the child support calculator for your state and find out how much he would have to pay if you got divorced. It might be a handy card to use as leverage should you find that nothing else works. It might be the only way that he'd actually contribute the necessary for your children.

If $600 a month is a lot or little.  He has a responsibility to his kids. He has to pay medical and exter major expenses.  Kids don’t need a car. It’s nice if he can afford it but if he can’t he can’t 

https://www.pinterest.com/coconutty1400/golden-uterus/

I don't think you can solve this only by focusing on renegotiating your H's support for his older kids, The proposal you drew up only addresses one part of his financial obligations. Your H has three sets of obligations: his current household, his c.s., and his debt, in that order. Your H needs help understanding that his income is a pie, and currently a disproportionate amount of that pie is going out the door. As in, the pie is aalll gone, leaving his younger children with no pie. 

Using credit to make ends meet is a scary, scary way to live, and it's not sustainable. But I can see how difficult your situation is, because your H is the emotional, fragile ego blustery type who has a hard time listening. Men like that need to hear truth from people they respect - as in a professional, preferably male. 

I agree with other posters who've pointed out that your H needs to be made aware of certain hard facts, such as how much he can be expected to pay you in child support if he continues to break faith with you. Facts and numbers, delivered by someone other than the nagging wife, are what this guy needs, as well as a healthy shot of fear. 

Please, please meet with a divorce attorney. Many offer free consultations, and you need facts in order to make good decisions. I'm not suggesting divorce, only clarifying your position and rights. Again, facts and numbers. Next, line up some financial counseling for you both. Don't tell your H any of this. And lastly, apply pressure and scare your H. Take your bios, and stay elsewhere for a few days. Leave an empty fridge, a pile of bills,  zero $$ and a note saying you need time away to think. Stay No Contact while you're gone, let him worry and turn off your phone. Stay gone until he's begging for your return via vm, and then hit him with your terms for returning: financial counseling, financial fidelity, and prioritizing your household.