I can relate to absolutely everything you have said! Yes, what you did was wrong…but, don’t beat yourself up about it…I hate to admit it, but I did the same thing once myself…In a moment of weakness you lashed out (payback for what she is doing)…I would suggest you not do it again, though, because Hubby will probably catch on and you will have H*LL to pay.

As far as telling your husband, you need to do what you think is best.

Just my two cents…

Stay Strong

you are so human, and all of your guilt speaks to a kind heart and a very solid awareness of your role in all that may have gone wrong (in my humble opinion).

Here's the part that I just can't get me head around: She is wearing your clothes? Using your make-up? And this is OK??!! WHAT?

This last weekend, the sd's were with us and one of them (aged 7) opens the door at a very late hour without knocking and I said 'whoa, whoa, whoa...and (now) perhaps semi-trained dad says 'you have to knock' and you know what? Call me the devil (some anonymous person will) but I actually refused to make love to him that night based on my sense of invasion (yes, there is a lock on the door, but that's just not the point...

OK, I digress. This is your situation, and I will simply say that I have done things with both bio kids and 'steps' which I regret in hindsight, but I am human and vulnerable and just plain pissed sometimes, so I do my simple best. Thankfully, I have found a 'confessional' of sorts on this site!

Bonusmom, I am new to this site and have not yet read any of your blogs, but you sound so self-aware and self-punitive. I think that you are not capable of any sort of real transgression, given your post. I am no guru (see my 'starry-eyed' post to hear the firestorm, but I think that I can relate to your conflict. Its sort of simple math:

stepdaughter/son+daddy+new 'mommy'-type' equals conflict. Add the (often) jealous ex and we have a recipe for a really tough ride.

I have not been on this site for weeks but came across your post and wished that we could be sitting at dinner over a cocktail fleshing this one out!

You are not wicked at all. I'm sure we all have gone through similar incident before. You are not wrong when you expect SD to ask you first before using your stuff. Husband should talk to his SD about what bothers you so it won't happen again. I think in this case your husband needs to be supportive of you and your feelings. Doesn't sound like he is doing that. If he is not going to do anything about it, ask him, if not tell your SD nicely that if she could ask permission first before touching your things. How old is she? You can give her an example,...say you wouldn't like it if I went and played w/your favorite thing(what ever that might be) without asking you first.

Don't feel bad that they don't speak to you, you're on the right mind so don't feel bad. How can anyone feel bad when all you want is some respect. If they ignore you, fine go do your own stuff and don't think about it. If you have to get out of the house then do so. I use to feel that way, husband & SS don't speak to me after voicing my opinion. I don't feel bad at all, I feel good actually because I've now communicated my feelings and what I expect. When it gets bad and I just need to get out of there I go out and treat myself to an ice cream, shopping, or see my sisters. So do whatever it is to get your mind of that. I don't see anything you are doing wrong. You should have left your husband home and went bowling anyways. I would have done that. Why do YOU and your son have to suffer because of SD and dad's decision to stay home? Stand by your feelings and be strong.

-happy mom

It's hard to say BUT it's not SD, it's Hubby! He is undermining you at every turn. How does he know she won't ruin it? And even if she doesn't, maybe you just don't want her to touch your things! That should be all the reason either one of them needs.

BM, Biograndma, etc, etc, don't live in your house. The problem stems from hubby's unwillingness to respect your feelings. If she's running the show at 9, you don't have a SD issue, you have a DH issue. Maybe try becoming a wicked wife!

I completely agree with you goldenlife. This is absolutely a DH issure. He needs to make that girl learn respect. It is not about ruining anything, it is about not touching anyone's property without asking. That is the real world and should not even be a question in his mind. She does it because she can and knows that somehow, some way dad will back her up. I am so sorry, I could not imagine having those kinds of problems to deal with. I have a ss (lets hope he does not decide to wear my clothes and makeup). I have to say that my dh will not tolerate a disrepectful child and certainly will not allow his son to rule our home. You have to find a way to come to an equal ground with your husband on this, because it is not about her getting into your things, it is about her becoming a respectful adult and learning her role in your home. You seem to have no authority in the home and that is a wrong signal for a child to get.
Find a creative way to get your husband to understand what this is really about, because he more than likely feels bad for the situation that he has created for his daughter and obviously feels the need to overcompensate for it with giving her what she wants all the time. He is only hurting her character by allowing her to do this.

no comment

Too funny SM2B! I especially liked the comment If I say anything to her he looks at me like I killed her cat. I can so relate!

But on a more serious note, I agree these fathers need to step up and start putting some consequences out there for their kids actions. Like I said in my blog, what are these kids going to be like when they are teenagers if there is no discipline in the household now!?

Your SD taking your clothes and wearing them without your permission is way out of line, not to mention disrespectful.

Hello!!! I don't understand that ... for the life of me!!! Hubby understands on an intellectual level..that kids need rules, respect direction, to be accountable.

But youngest can do no wrong in his eyes. Was this how it was when he was still married...or did this special treatment only come after the divorce ??!!

ANd I have been on the recieving end of the I've "killed her cat" look too!!!!! lol.

I wonder if she always had "special" treatment as his only bio-child and did that contributed to some of the issues in the first marriage....... it's a thought I can't seem to shake.

You married him because you wanted to...cause you adore him for whatever reason, and he fulfills a lot of your needs, right? I mean, there's nothing REASONABLE about being in love, right? Its just not an intellectual process!

He must me crazy for you, and maybe its time to test the waters a bit. His guilt trip sounds so classic, any shrink would recognize it in an instant and give him the reality check that he needs and you deserve.

You have nothing to blame yourself for...and the fact that you are here on this site shows that you are resourceful, competent and motivated to work it out.

Maybe you could tell him that you guys need a neutral 3rd party to help with a list of 'house rules'?? That you are new to this, that he is sorta new to this and that you are 'questioning' things? Boy, my guy used the 'questioning things' line on me a few months ago and I just about laid down on my back like a passive, frightened animal in order to make things 'right'...it scared the crap out of me and motivated me to handle certain things differently.

We are all here rooting for you. He is clueless, and she is the product of clueless, annoying and perhaps incompetent parents! The worst!!

I think a third party coming in to help you and dh get some rules down for your house is a good idea as long as it is someone professional who will help you and dh come to your own agreement, not someone else making up the rules for you. After all it is your house.

Hey Bonusmom. Okay, you must be living my life. My stepdaughters have been known to wear my clothes too! They assume everything of mine is theirs. What broke the camel's back for me was the day that I came out of my room wearing my Christmas party dress and my stepdaughter said she might wear that dress to her prom. My husband laughed and said we'll see when the time comes. The crazy thing is she can fit into my clothes right now and in the past has helped herself to my closet. What bothers me most is she did not ask if she could wear that dress to her prom, she said she may wear it - as if it were hers!! I don't think I would be as upset if they would just ask - it is their sense of entitlement to my things that bothers me. So, my husband doesn't get it although he tries. He tells me to put my foot down but yet when I do he thinks I'm picking on them. My daugher can't fit into my clothes so this issue is mainly with his 2 girls - which causes more problems. It is so much easier to get mad at things when you have a bio child involved too that way they don't think you are picky on only their kids! Gosh, being a step mom can be stressful trying to make sure you always do the right thing while not losing your sanity!!

My SD thinks everything in the house is hers, she walks off with cameras, games, clothes, candles, whatever she wants she just takes. It is not like she is stealing, she just is so spoiled that she honestly thinks, if she wants it she takes it. Not fun!

This is my first post to this site. Reading the latest sd posts reminds me of my own home. My sd, 12, seems to think that she is the princess on the pedestal and everyone should cater to her every whim. It is very frustrating for me. Unfortunately, her dad seems to be completely blind to her selfish behavior. The latest happening here is that she wants a new phone - a very expensive keyboard type. Two problems here: 1. Her old phone is only 5 months old, and 2. The phone she wants is not available for our provider.

So, her solution is for us to switch providers and buy her the phone as a reward for bringing up her grades. (We do not even have proof that she has actually done this either, just her word.) Isn't it just a bit unreasonable for her to expect us to switch four phones, pay a penalty for breaking our contract and have to buy new phones for ourselves just so she can get her way?? I think it is ridiculous. I would never give my children the power to dictate something like that. I believe in rewarding children for positive behavior, but this is just nuts. At first, her dad said he felt it would be out of the question, but now he is actually trying to rationalize it. It makes me crazy!! Her constant demands for new things are not only tiresome, but they stress us out financially as well. Is it just wishfull thinking on my part to hope that maybe my husband will ever be able to look at things objectively when it comes to her? I am not trying to be unfair, just rational!

He is such a great guy, and very level headed, but when it comes to his daughter, he throws practicality out the window. I just adore him, and this is a definate strain on our relationship. He has two children: sd-12 and ss-7. I have two as well, bs-19 and bd-10. My son lives with his dad and my daughter is here full time. Bd lives out of state. Sd also likes to help herself to everyone's things without asking and then says they are hers. The most frustrating thing is that if I say anything to my husband, he gets defensive and has to defend his daughter. I hate to say anything at all sometimes. I wish there was a way to communicate this to him without him feeling like I am picking on his precious daughter. AAAGGGHHH!!!!

I really think alot of it has to do with the age. Teenage girls always feel that they are entitled to everything and anything. I have a 14 year old daughter. They also think there should be no consequence for anything they do wrong.

From reading alot here I have noticed that the step moms want to be completely accepted by the children who did not ask for their father to remarry or divorce their mother. Then you seem to become territorial about their father and try and keep them at an arms distance. My feeling is, the daughter was in his life before you and you need to be respectful of that relationship. I am not suggesting that the father shut you out and not take into account when making decisions, but I am getting tired of everyone complaining about the kids. Did you not know he had children when you decided to marry him? These are children, not adults and are struggling with all of this. Sometimes kids act out, become angry, become withdrawn, or a host of other behaviors but it doesn't mean they are horrible children. You are not the only person in his life and you need to respect that fact.

Butterfly and bio

I did not take offense to your post about complaining about your sd. I have been on a bit of a roll here and I know I am bringing other things into my posts that I have been dealing with lately.

If my ex does decide to remarry, I would hope that his new wife would discipline my kids as well. We cannot stop parenting just because they are going through a tough time or cater to the whims of a teenager. Believe me, my daughter has some unbelievable wants but I will not "buy" her just to win her over.

I am .just put in a difficult position because I have my kids 24/7. I recently found an empty beer can in my daughters room and confronted her. She fessed up to drinking it with a girlfriend when she had a sleep over here. Of course I punished her (grounded for 2 months, no cell phone and only computer for homework). When I told her father about it, the only thing he had to say was "don't worry about it, just don't do it again" Nice huh?

I also have a teenage son who is 13. He hasn't hit that huffy stage yet but he is much more brooding. I think he feels protective of me. When my ex first left my son would sneak into my room and I would wake to find him asleep next to me.

Anyway, I too may be a step mom some day and I worry about the same things too. It is a hard road for all of us.

Thanks for your perspective

Vodka in Orange Juice... military doctor prescribed it for colic!

Yeah, so that's way I don't like them there screw-drivers...

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

-- Author unknown