I left. 

After being together for two years and two weeks, officially moving in back in February (I'd been living there a year if I have to be exact), I left. 

I didn't leave because I wanted to. After hearing: 'If you're not happy, you can find someone else.' 'Nobody's holding you prisoner here.' 'We are a package. If you don't like it, you can leave.', I finally left when she said 'effing go find somewhere else to live. I'm done! You just take, take, take!' Yes, I was selfish and didn't want to watch the kid for her. I'm not making excuses for myself. I tried to explain. Then I said I will do it, but just wanted to check that she wasn't with me so that I can help her watch her kid. That question pissed her off and she yelled that sentence at me. I got to do what I want anyway, what am I talking about? I'm deluded thinking that she's with me because of him. (I know she loves me for me, but I just wanted to be sure. I guess that was quite stupid. I should've known she loves me for me).

It's been three days of pain. I left when they were both at work and school. I took a sick day and secretly packed everything, rang a friend, and left. All I wrote was a note of about three lines telling her that I felt hurt being kicked out with 'farking go find somewhere else to live'. But I also wrote that I understand why she said it and that there wasn't any hard feelings. I thanked her for loving me, and then I left the keys, cried myself blind driving away and haven't stopped hurting since.

She texted that night. The shock and pain of coming home and seeing everything gone was nothing she'd every felt before. The kid and her were both devastated and a mess. He cried and asked what they did wrong. he asked her to ring me and apologise. I couldn't talk to her. She rang in the morning. We were both crying over the phone. She asked how I could do that. Two years, and all she comes home to is a note and an emptied house. I told her she was the one who asked me to leave. She kept crying and apologising. I was so wrought with emotion. I couldn't even think clearly. I kept saying I needed time and space. She told me the house she bought for us all had just finalised. We were to move at the end of the month. To be in our new home by Xmas. How could I break our family up? I couldn't stop crying. I honestly didn't want to leave but anyone with an ounce of self-respect would leave if their partner said that to them! Finally she hung up as she said to her kid that she didn't think I was coming back. This move of mine has devastated all of us. 

My friends all think I've made the best decision ever. They never thought she was good for me. But they understood how hard it was and how much I loved her. I know it is the right decision to make in the long run, but heck, I miss them SOOOOO MUCH. Coming to work today was painful. Seeing the kids was hard. Today's lessons were all about Xmas and wishing for things that weren't toys. Some kids said they wished their parents were still together. Some kids wish to see their dad again. I wanted to sob. What if the kid was wishing that he could see me again at Xmas? Would he even wish that? He's such a materialistic child, but he is sensitive. He'll probably be missing me heaps and is probably extremely sad too. My friends told me that kids are more resilient that I think, and that I should focus on recovering. When she texted me yesterday to come and pick up some of my things that I'd left out and that I had to pick it up by today as the agent was coming to take pics and she's putting the house on the market, my heart broke all over again. 

I'm happy that she is getting a fresh start. New house. New beginnings. But that was supposed to be us together and it made me cry all over again. My eyes hurt from all the crying. The weight pressing down on my chest is so painful. It is taking all of my will-power not to run back to her. And I still have to drive around the same neighbourhood every day. I guess I'm officially not a step-parent anymore, and probably shouldn't be here. Thank you everyone for all the advice regarding the kid and my rants about my ex-SO. 

This site has been great. And this entry extremely long. I hate breakups.