My first post
Hello all! I've been lurking for a long time - gathering lots of strength from women who've been through it all and making me feel less alone.
This is the first time I've blogged as I felt desperately like I needed to reach out...
So a little about me first. I'm a childless SM with FDH & FSD10 (classic mini wife that dad has treated as an equal from year dot) & FSD7. Typical exW/BM of the undiagnosed pd variety, but of the ignoring bent who wants the children just enough for all the child support, but wants us to have the children every weekend so she can go drinking with her boyfriend of 3 years. I was not the OW (they'd been separated for a year before we met), but history has been rewritten & she tries to poison the girls against me (but that's another blog!).
After another weekend where I did everything for everyone (all cooking, cleaning, washing, bedtime, bath time, care & attention), I lost it today. FDH pushed me as he could tell I was upset about something, and I said the following:
- been utterly ignored all weekend as he'd not carved any adult time out at all as dotes on them every second, and then plays computer games to unwind when they've gone to bed so can't even sit and talk to me for ten minutes.
- get all his physical & emotional needs met from them (opposite for me as I just get depleted as much as I love them, they're not mine - Wednesday Martin explains all this so well!), just turns to me for sex as that's the one thing he can't get from them.
- kills my libido stone dead watching him flirt with his eldest all the time, tried to say that he should be spending time with her, but some of that energy needs to go into cultivating an adult relationship with me
- that he justifies being a totally neglectful partner because, in his head, he's such a wonderful father by doting on them so that's ok.
Now giving me the silent treatment and I just want to curl up and disappear... Was I so wrong for asking that I get just a little of his emotional / physical attention at weekends?
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Comments
Thank you! He only started
Thank you! He only started to become disney day full on about two years ago (we've been living together three and a half), when we met he impressed me with being a proper patent. Now he just wants to be their best friend....It really gets worse when BM ratchets up a notch with mistreating the children (mostly neglect re food, clothing, care, medical, etc) and he feels he has to make it up to them. He really wants full custody so I think it's part of a campaign to make them want to live with him more in the "fun" house where daddy spends endless time/attention/money on them - while I'm (to quote the username of a lovely lady on here!) just the ghost who makes dinner..
It's the silent treatment that hurts - he knows I was brought up by an incredibly abusive npd mother and I can't cope with the stress of it, so all I want to do is apologise & take it all back so that he'll love me again
Argh! Damn spell check! *dad
Argh! Damn spell check! *dad *parent
Thank you for being
Thank you for being supportive. I hate standing up for myself, but I couldn't keep it in any more. All my friends think he's great, but they and even his own family all tell him he's got his focus wrong and needs to pay me more attention...
He just called me from work
He just called me from work and I tried to calmly explain it to him (a bit hard to when I've been so upset all morning!) and he's going to consider whether what I've said is "fixable" or not. I just want to die...
Thank you I so wish I could
Thank you
I so wish I could be like that....he has the upper hand as he could turf me out with no money & nowhere to go.
After 30 years of abuse I finally stood up to my NPD mother. The result? Disowned by entire family. Hence terrified to stand up for myself and risk losing everything.
"lose everything". think
"lose everything". think about that. what would you be losing?
you'd lose second-rate citizen status.
you'd lose unappreciative kids who arent yours.
you'd lose being badmouthed by bm
you'd lose quality relationship w/ fdh- wait, he's already taken that away.
i'm not an advocate of walking away from a committed relationship. but there are times when it may be necessary.
it may still be fixable. your fdh needs to take his head out of his ass and treat you like the woman he fell in love with.
Good ideas all. Thank you to
Good ideas all. Thank you to everyone for your affirmations (very much needed by me) and your advice.
He's decided things are fixable (after keeping me on tenterhooks all day) - and has sent me a list of things *I* need to improve on!!!
Yeah, he's an ass. He sounds
Yeah, he's an ass. He sounds like an emotional blackmailer/abuser to me.
Typical DH response to
Typical DH response to deflect HIS poor behavior onto you.
I would say, with the sweetest smile, "Of course, dear heart, we can talk about things that you want from me, but first I need you to focus on the original topic of what YOU need to do regarding your behavior with your children. Once we resolve that, I am happy to talk about my issues."
Jerk