Getting some love from disney dad :-(
Hi - I've blogged this as well, but looking for some views from the other childless SMs out there 
Hello all! I've been lurking for a long time - gathering lots of strength from women who've been through it all and making me feel less alone.
This is the first time I've blogged as I felt desperately like I needed to reach out...
So a little about me first. I'm a childless SM with FDH & FSD10 (classic mini wife that dad has treated as an equal from year dot) & FSD7. Typical exW/BM of the undiagnosed pd variety, but of the ignoring bent who wants the children just enough for all the child support, but wants us to have the children every weekend so she can go drinking with her boyfriend of 3 years. I was not the OW (they'd been separated for a year before we met), but history has been rewritten & she tries to poison the girls against me (but that's another blog!).
After another weekend where I did everything for everyone (all cooking, cleaning, washing, bedtime, bath time, care & attention), I lost it today. FDH pushed me as he could tell I was upset about something, and I said the following:
- been utterly ignored all weekend as he'd not carved any adult time out at all as dotes on them every second, and then plays computer games to unwind when they've gone to bed so can't even sit and talk to me for ten minutes.
- get all his physical & emotional needs met from them (opposite for me as I just get depleted as much as I love them, they're not mine - Wednesday Martin explains all this so well!), just turns to me for sex as that's the one thing he can't get from them.
- kills my libido stone dead watching him flirt with his eldest all the time, tried to say that he should be spending time with her, but some of that energy needs to go into cultivating an adult relationship with me
- that he justifies being a totally neglectful partner because, in his head, he's such a wonderful father by doting on them so that's ok.
Now giving me the silent treatment and I just want to curl up and disappear... Was I so wrong for asking that I get just a little of his emotional / physical attention at weekends?
uncurl and leave.Sorry I
uncurl and leave.Sorry I sound harsh when I say it like this , but have you considered that all those things you want to him will never be delieverd to you because of his behaviour- not now and not in future?Where does he indicate he will change or want to change?Actually it is the opposite- he is insulted from your words and treats you as if you are invisible,Think this through, if he would genuinly wanted to work on his behaviour and open up to listen to your feelings and your say it would be different.But like this...I give you a zero out of hundred chance that he will genuinly change.
You are fishing in the wrong pond, asking totally normal and right things from someone who is not prepared to give them to you.He doesn't have anything left to give, lets face it, because he feels the need to give it all to his spoiled mini wives-being a father is the most important thing for him.
I have been there, hun, I know how painful it is.I used this board and a therapist to wake me up and I left mid last year.Inspite of loving my ex and thinking about him as a nice and sweet person with "issues".I cried and cried but I also knew he was not enough.And not because I am so over the top demanding but because his priorities and values were not the same as mine. And he allowed his manipulative daughter 8 to think she was an mini wife with adult status, too.
I hope you wake up, too and will not marry him.There is much better out there for you. It was for me and I am even in love with another man now, a good old friend of mine with no issues and a balanced value system.
I know what you're saying -
I know what you're saying - me doing all the "woman's work" happened as I had to stop working a couple of years ago due to a serious injury so as a quid pro quo I took on all the household/women's work. He thinks that's a fair exchange. When I feel part of a couple when he spends time and attention on me, I don't mind it, but when I feel taken for granted and get very little in terms of an adult relationship it makes me very resentful. He thinks it's great that their BM doesn't want them at weekends so that he can spend time with them, I completely understand that, but all of the hard work falls on me...
He's all hurt & upset that I've said I'm neglected!
And now he's going to decide
And now he's going to decide whether me asking for a bit of time / affection from him is "fixable" or not! I just want to die...
Good ideas all! Drawback on
Good ideas all! Drawback on that is if I am not around he takes them to his mum's for her to do all of that !(and train tickets suck loads out of our already tight budget). Sex on weekends when the princesses are here?? Hahahahahahaha.
He's decided things are fixable (after keeping me on tenterhooks all day) - and has sent me a list of things *I* need to improve on!!!
Okay so now that he has
Okay so now that he has decided it is "fixable" and given you a list...YOU need to decide if it is fixable.
I say this because he basically put all blame on you which is crap. I didn't post about it but probably about a month back DH flipped out and started blaming me a bunch of stuff that got blown out of proportion as we had a house full of people and no alone time in months. He told me everything I did wrong and told me he would have to decide if we could work - it honestly pissed me off that he took that decision for himself as we are a couple and you are apart of a couple and should be treated as such.
I know I took the time of him thinking to decide if when he decided that I was worth if the pain was worth dealing with. I took time to decide what if it happens again, do I truly want to have to change who I am to make someone happy? I even had a move out plan...
I chose to stay and he realized that the additional people and stress fueled a lot of anger and told me that unless a dire situation he would not put me or us through that again and honestly if he wouldn't have I don't know if I could have stayed.
You need to think about if this is worth it because he sees you as the issue and that will probably never change. So when is your breaking point?
I hate to sound so negative but you need to think about yourself.
No way, he gave you a
No way, he gave you a list?????????Run, babe, leave him.Seriously,this is not getting any better, hun.
So he completely invalidated
So he completely invalidated your feelings about his neglect of his wife, and gave you a list of how you can make life easier for him and his kids. He's bullying you, and it's infuriating. Was the list verbal or written? If I were you, if it's a written list I wouldn't acknowledge a single item on the list, and go right back to stating your case about why he's not being a good husband without skipping a beat. Even if the list is verbal, you can still act as if you didn't hear a single word of it, and put the focus back on his behavior. Don't let him manipulate you out of standing up for yourself, and your needs.
Let's see how much he likes someone totally disregarding what he has to say. That's only if you want to remain in this situation, and try to reason with him. Based on this post, I'm not sure he's open to reason, and if he's even worth the effort. You shouldn't have to beg for attention and affection. Don't you want to be with someone who wants to give those things naturally? Those men are out there. You shouldn't have to live like this.
Ah yes, the list. There was
Ah yes, the list. There was no acknowledgement of my issue (ie lack of affection/focus/time), just that we have "wildly different interpretations of recent events" which he doesn't want to discuss any further. The list was as follows:
- he will get the sofa bed out once a week for us to cuddle up in front of the tv together as it is too 'cramped' otherwise [except when he spends all day cuddled up with fsd10 who wears some of my clothes as she is so tall/big for her age - that is fine]
- on w/e the children will go to their rooms at 8pm to read/watch Netflix etc with lights out at 8.30/9 [this is what is supposed to happen anyway, but he always makes concessions like "just let them watch the end of the tv program or film" followed by endless interruptions of "I need a drink / my random body part itches, hurts / my sister is annoying me - which goes on till about 10.30. This means e cannot watch anything that might have violence, language, sex, humour etc in it]
- *I* need to spend more time with the eldest so that he can't be accused of spending too much time with her.
- *I* need to tell him during the day if we've not spent enough time together that day [how does this help other than cause rows?]
- *I* need to come into town to meet him for lunch near his work once a fortnight [tried this - he kept endlessly cancelling due to meetings/work lunches etc & never bothering to rearrange - after six months I have up trying to sort out]
- *I* need to accept that he has a long commute in the week and so is too tired to spend any time or effort on me in the week [leaves home at 8am, back by 7.30pm - hmmmm]
- *I* need to be more assertive with the children about me sitting next to him [awesome way to make me the wicked SM stealing daddy away from them in no time]
- *I* need to get a cleaner [firstly, he knows we can't afford this, and secondly, this doesn't in any way help with all the cooking/tidying up/getting dressed/bedtimes/bath times/washing up/etc at weekends]
- *I* need to deal with my depression by swimming more [i agree - but the pool at our gym was broken all of December and only fixed last weekend anyway - hence not bring able to go for a few weeks - and presents it as MY issue that I'm depressed that I need to fix so nothing to do with his treatment of me at all]
- *I* need to be more grateful for everything he does for me, eh taking them to the cinema on Sunday to give me a "rest" [so many issues with this. NOT a "rest" when all it is is two hours of me tidying up, doing washing, cooking the next meal. NOT a "rest" when he takes them to restaurants/coffee shops/to buy stuff when I'm left at home staring at the walls and doing more endless housework but missing out on the fun stuff. He once said that he took them out for food and I couldn't come as it would cost too much...]
- and finally *I* need to show HIM more affection at weekends cos it goes both ways [?!?!?!?]
There is no real
There is no real acknowledgement for you at all.What a manipulative arsehole.Please go.
Hi - a little about me. He's
Hi - a little about me. He's early 40s I'm mid 30s (previous legal professional) & can't work due to major operations/injuries - to the point where after a w/e with the skids I'm laid up in bed for two days in agony. But he wants to send me back to work to earn more money to spend on them (as basically got screwed over in the divorce and, although very happy he pays a hefty child support amount, he basically agreed to a massive spousal support on top - against everyone's advice, just to get rid of her - plus she took all equity in the house, car, contents of home - he left with nothing. They'd been married ten years when they separated).
I have no family available. Incredibly long story, but essentially I stood up to my incredibly abusive NPD mother a few years ago, and as a result I'm completely cut off from all of them
there is no going back. My bro is getting married this year, which makes me very sad as I essentially brought him up as my mother was too incapable/self absorbed (BM is *exactly* the same - so uncanny it's scary).
We moved from where we used to be to be a lot closer to the skids. I essentially lost all of my friends too. The doctor is worried about me as I have no support network at all. I've checked - there are no local support groups of anything that even vaguely relates that I can join. I have no money / savings as it all got ploughed into the new home.
I agree re cuddling on the couch. So much to say on that. He loves that he is so "needed" by them and that they want to sit with him all day long. He thinks it's really cute/sweet, and thinks its a sign on what a wonderful father he is that he's their best friend....The eldest is approaching puberty rapidly - but he still sees them both, in his words, as "tiny tots". We don't have a garden, and even though they have friends locally, BM has all the contact info so we can't set anything up. Also he wants them with us every second so he wouldn't like them going off to play when it's his time with them. As he sees them "so little" (I'm not sure every weekend is "so little").
One minute I get all the "I
One minute I get all the "I pine for them / you don't know what it's like for me / waaaa" etc. but he's quite happy to give them to his mother to look after when we go and visit, or to go for three hour naps at the weekend to recover from work for me to entertain them (as they must be entertained at all times!!!!! No boredom or make your own fun round here!)
I'm in a lot of pain. I don't
I'm in a lot of pain. I don't even mention it to him any more as a few months ago I was having a terrible time and he made it all about how difficult it is for him. He's joined a support network at his work for people who have to care for their other halves (makes me laugh as I'm not sure what this "caring" consists of). Doctor / consultants think he's insane for getting me to even think about work right now. He just sees that I cope at home (as suck it up & pretend so can utterly collapse while he's at work) so therefore must be ok for work. BM has endless money - she works two days, but with benefits. SS, CM she has double the disposable income. Hair cut & coloured every months, new clothes, new nails, hotels away for her and her bloke every other w/e, etc,etc. I feel like a pauper in comparison.
Sounds like you have similar problems with the neediness and jumping on him! I'm not allowed to escape by going to my room as I have to be on duty at all times. No escape for me...
Therapists cost money - there is no money...
Is love kids of my own, but due to problems on his side, that would only be possible with icsi ivf - very expensive. He promised me that at the beginning, but now there is no cash. He's hinted at that being a reason to get me working again, as a sort of motivational tool. I find it a bit cruel,..
You have my sympathy - I
You have my sympathy - I understand completely. I'm dead last - and when I try and tell him it's got turned around into me having a go at him when he's so perfect and I don't appreciate everything he does for me (hummm. Like what?). But I do the same, I bend over backwards for two little girls who aren't mine, but I get no acknowledgement at all for the fact I've built my entire life around taking care of someone else's children....
I get that too! If by a miracle we have a night out, just us, the guilt overwhelms him and he can't enjoy it as that would mean he's betraying them in some way.
He's coming home soon, after being away working for a couple of days. I can hear it in his voice that he expects me to fawn all over him to "make up" for having wounded him so deeply for having brought all this stuff up....don't know how to behave.
Buffy-where do you see
Buffy-where do you see yourself in 5 years time? Think about it for a while and you will know what needs to change.And keep in mind that in the very most case the only person you can change is yourself, very seldom it is the partner who is willing to change even a bit.And if you read yourself what you have written before, do you see any true indications that he will change anything at all ? I know the future, especially in your case with the health issues can seem scary if you look at the option of leaving.I completely feel for you.
About myself- I left last July after attending some valuable therapy sessions which really helped and receiving a tremendous support of the ladies here.This support will be here for you, too if you need it.
Update: he came home last
Update: he came home last night very much in a "poor me" frame of mind. Acting all hurt & wounded. But was awkward as all hell. We ignored it all and just chatted about his work / small talk. He pointedly wouldn't kiss me (other than quick peck), and kept away from touching me - acted as if burnt himself if he brushed past me accidentally. He got up to sleep on the sofa in the middle of the night as he couldn't bear to sleep next to me - pretended it was cos of my snoring, but as I was wide awake staring at the wall I think that was unlikely!! Pointedly didn't say "I love you" before going to sleep - he always does that so omission is deliberate. Haven't really eaten anything since Sunday as feel sick. I wish I knew what to do (and leaving is just not an option right now).
It is because you dared to
It is because you dared to criticise his parenting which is sooooooooo bloody important tand over the top to him.Ridiculous and totally abnormal.My ex SO freaked out when I said something about his parenting , too...one day I mentioned that the massive amount of chocolate and junk he fed mini wife SD actually indeed (just like BM and the doctor said) could lead to those frequent thrush infections....oh, he shouted at me and got really angry. The worst thing to those Disney dads is to be labelled to be less than a "perfect parent"!!!!!It does not matter that they are not good partners or whatever, it doesn't matter since "parenting" is their golden gral, their mission and their only goal.It is totally out of balance and all about those already spoiled brats.
I know I even said as much
I know
I even said as much to him that he's fine with being a neglectful partner so long as he sees himself as an amazing father - that makes it justifiable in his head if he sacrifices our relationship on the alter of the blessed children....
He bangs on about the fact that his feelings for BM died because she put him last on the list of priorities behind her family & friends and was a terrible, neglectful wife. But he won't get it that's what he's doing to me, because it's "for the sake of the children!!!!" So even though he's killing of my feelings for him in the same way BM killed off his for her, it's all ok if it's for his princesses....
Sorry - bit garbled as over emotional and not slept!
Buffy, he is doing that to
Buffy, he is doing that to blame YOU for being so "cruel" and "unreasonable"!! It looks like he wants to avoid to look at what you actually have said to him at all, so he plays this psychological game. I am concerned about you.He clearly tries to get you to break down and finally give in to him and his selfish behaviour. I am concerned about his attempts to manipulate you.Don't be blended by his immature and selfish behaviour towards you.
you are not wrong for wanting
you are not wrong for wanting time with your husband. you are his wife!
i know all about the disney dad (driven by guilt) and mini wife situation. they can be like mistresses.
dont know how long you have been married, but i have grown callouses over my heart from all the pain. this is total disengagement.
in the end, you just wont care anymore. let him have the mistresses. at some point, you will make up your mind about how to approach your relationship with your husband as one of lover and partner, or just a friend, or totally leave.
you deserve more.
also, be aware he is punishing you by withholding affection and this is abusive. it is just as abusive as if he had real mistresses. you said leaving is not an option now, but do protect yourself emotionally and financially.
I was up all night throwing
I was up all night throwing up / ibs from the stress of it all (tmi - I'm sorry), and he realised this is the effect of his withdrawal of affection and punishment on me - I could tell he feels guilty, but then shakes it off that it's ultimately my fault for having said something in the first place that he didn't like...