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Step daughter causes trouble, please help!

Butterfly20's picture

Submitted by Butterfly20 on Sun, 08/30/2020 - 7:38am

Good afternoon,
I am married to a beautiful soul, a man who has a heart made of gold. We have been in a distance relationship for two years before getting  married and moving in. He has two daughters, the oldest is 12 years old (non-biological), and the youngest is 8 years (biological). The oldest daughter has no manners, dirty, and cause plenty of problems...
When i first started living with them, father found out that she wrote terrible things about him in her dairy like: "old man, he is not even my dad"
" i feel so sorry for my sister that she has to stand a father like him forever"
"I am going to send everyone that lives in this house to jail, i am a woman and a minor so the police will believe whatever i say"
"He is even crazier than my biological  father".....
The last thing that she did is that she sent her mom screenshots of her dad's conversations with his ex's family memebers telling her mom look what they are saying about you.... 
When my husband  found what she wrote about him the first time, he spoke to her and explained to her how he met her mom and that she was so little and that he decided  to adopt her and take care of her when her sister was born.... but  when he found about the screenshots, he punished her without tv, ipad..... i tried to convince  him that maybe he should do things differently and that he should return that girl to her mom's house to live there forever because she is acting like a spoiled brat, doesn't  respect  anyone, and cause tons of troubles, she is unhappy most of the time, makes faces all the time. He is filing a custody case, he wants them to stay with us 24/24 and 7/7. To be honest, i don't  want the oldest one to live  with us as she is so dangerous, i don't  trust her.... i told him that all the problems are following  you because of her, she is the source of problems in the house, i think he did enough for her and now it is time to return her to her mom's house (of course, in a legal way), i told him everything but it seems that he is not ready to give up on her. I sometimes think of leaving everything behind and moving forward. I am drowning in problems that are not even mine. Of course, i don't have the right to talk about kids nor talk about them for the moment. It doesn't make sense for me that he is taking care and charge of his ex's daughter while his ex is milking money out of him and treating him so bad... please advice me, should i be more patient? Do you think  that the girl will change one day or another? I am not happy nor motivated in this relationship 

Comments

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Submitted by DHsfamilyfromhell on Sun, 08/30/2020 - 8:08am

I don’t understand why she is there and not even his, because her behaviour isn’t very respectful.  

I think others will advise that you be a bit more specific about her behaviour so they offer advice. 

The situation will not change with the bury your head in sand approach that your partner appears to have. 

Has she had counselling? As she doesn’t seem to have come to terms about her family situation. 

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Sun, 08/30/2020 - 4:28pm

If he adopted her then the kid is his.  He can choose not to exercise his visitation and have her primarily live with her mother but the "milking money" will probably be even more of an issue with increased costs for mom. 12 year old girls are brutal whether they are your own or other peoples kids. I would not want to relive 12 with my own dd, yikes!  

I feel for you. After raising my own daughter and being a SM I would never place myself in a situation like you're in.  I guess you have to be in it so see it for what it is.  I won't tell you to run (even though that would be the best thing for you) because all relationships are complicated and will have drama. If you do choose to stay in this arrangement you're going to have to protect yourself.  The major issue is that this one has two *angels* that will forever be in dads life and it sounds like he's not on top of parenting them.  Please set boundaries and do what you need to to retain your own sanity and safety.  If the kid is threatening to make false claims of abuse it's time to set up nanny cams in all common areas of the home, cheap and easy to do.  I honestly wouldn't even tell you DH about it.  

 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 08/31/2020 - 1:26pm

Welcome to the site!

You have 2 choices so here are 2 pieces of advice:

1. You choose to stay. Read the other posts. There are many here who chose to stay. Some ended up pregnant, and some (like me) have no bios of their own at all. If you get pregnant, the "option" to stay becomes more imperitave and you are basically stuck with this child who wants you and your partner to go to jail. At 12, she wont improve without some hardlining as far as boundaries and parenting. How is the other kid? Nice? Respectful? 
If you choose to stay, you will have to find ways to deal with kiddos that you didnt make, and will end up supporting them in some way. You will need to invest in home security to protect yoursel, and become very good at documenting. I suggest you keep all finances separated.Disengage from SD12.

2. You choose to leave. You will have dodged a huge bullet. SD12, well, it sounds like shes on a major hate campaigne against not just YOU but your partner. Thats a bit above and beyond, I feel. You will discover that a huge weight will have been lifted. Not feeling motivated? Well, your motivaton will have returned once that weight is dropped.

Keep reading and posting.