SD relationship struggle
I have a blended family with 2 kids, one biological and one step-daughter. We have my SD every other weekend and thus don't get a ton of time with her. We used to have her 50/50 until she became school-aged and it still feels so hard to see her only a few days a month. I have been in her life for almost 5 years now and her father and I have had a son together and are engaged. She shows no negative emotions towards her father or brother but struggles with me. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. She constantly compares me and our life to her moms. Her mom is her world. She is a good mom and I love that she has a wonderful life with her but it seems to give her the preconceived notion that our life could not possibly be as good. If I show her a new movie she might "kinda like it" but then she watches it with her mom and ,"It was amazing!" She also lets off little snide comments that I don't think she realizes are hurtful. E.g. "your nail polish is pretty...but not that pretty" or "you ACTUALLY did it, wow!" And when I've tried to being the topic up she is still too young or naive to understand it (she's 7). Nothing I do is good enough for her, or is not as good as her mom. I feel like I constantly try to please her to little avail. When I think about giving up (because why put all the effort in for nothing) then I feel terrible about the possibility of not giving my 100% to make this little person the best life I can. I'm at a loss of how to bond with her in ways that she won't compare me to her mother. I'm not even sure it's possible. I didn't have my mom growing up and I am dying to have those mother-daughter experiences with her that I didnt get to do with my mom but she has a mom already that she does those things with. The more things I try to do with her that she shrugs off, the more down on myself I get. I hope that one day she will see me for me, and not who she wishes I was. She was an infant when her parents separated but I think deep down, despite conversations with everyone saying otherwise, she blames me for her parents not being together. I also understand that she is with her mom 90% of the time and that we basically make little guest appearances in her life (which is how she treats us). The constant rejection in my own home is tougher than anything blended-family related that I've dealt with.
Does anyone have any advice on ways I can let her know I am there for her but in my own way (not to be compared to mom)? Or it would even just help to know that I'm not the only one struggling with this.
I want to be a loving and supportive adult in her life but also don't want to feel so bad about myself all the time because my existence isn't good enough for her.
If a Skid uses the opposition
If a Skid uses the opposition parent's home and their experiences there in a toxic way in your home, end that crap now. Once she sets foot in your home she is not allowed to speak of mom, mom's house, etc.... Let her know that you used to be interested in her life at mom's but because that is all she talks about and she uses it to try to make her dad, her brother, and you feel bad... she is no longer allowed to mention it.
Make this a hill to die on. Give your DH clarity that bringing her manipulative crap from BM's to your family home will no longer happen and if he will not shut it down firmly, you will.
Then do it.
We always expressed interest in what SS did when he was on SpermLand visitation. He would not talk much about it for a while after he came home. Then he would start mentioning some things, until after a couple of weeks he had told us about the highlights, and sadly a number of low lights, of his most recent visit. I would ask him if he ever shared with his SpermClan (I have never used this term when speaking with SS or spoken it to anyone) about his life at with the three of us. Each time I asked, he said he did not talk about his real life because he did not want to make them mad or sad.
It broke our hearts that they were so toxic that they would delegitimize the marjority of his life. As an adult, he has said a number of times that he appreciated that his mom nor I bad mouthed them to him and how hard it was to engage with them even now because of their toxic manipulative crap when he was growing up.
Shut it down, toxicity should have no place in any family. Leave that crap for BM to wallow in and make sure your SD knows it will not fly in your home and family.