More of BM's unilateral decisions
Ok, I just need to whine a little because I always get the shaft because of BM's decisions which affect MY family. My fiance and I are so sick of her not consulting him, making a decision and then sharing it with him at the last possible second, thus making us scramble to accomodate what she dictates.
This week is a busy one for SD in terms of events and decisions that need to be made by both parents. Tonight is an informational session for a special program for students entering 7th grade at SD's school. It is also their regular Daddy/Daughter dinner night. Thursday is the next Family Based Therapy appointment for BF and BM at her apartment, as well as SD's parent/teacher conferences. Lots of things going on and lots of scheduling to work out, so you would think that two parents would communicate well ahead of time to work out the details together, right? WRONG! You would think that the whole week's scheduling would just be covered in one email or one phone call so we can plan accordingly, right? WRONG again!
My fiance has been emailing and calling BM at home and on her cell for a week. Finally at noon today she left a message saying that she could meet him at the train station to go to the info session together, but made no mention of Daddy/Daughter dinner, the family therapy appointment or parent/teacher conferences. He emails/calls all afternoon to see about seeing SD before tonight's session and she finally decides to let him know at 4:00 today what she had decided last night with SD - to cancel Daddy/Daughter dinner night for tonight and switch it for Wednesday. It did not occur to her to consult him on this decision, which affects not only SD, but my fiance, ME and OUR daughter.
In the grand scheme of things, this is not a big deal, but DAMN I want to have an evening with my fiance! I haven't seen him since Sunday night and I was really looking forward to having him home with me and our daughter on Wednesday night because I won't see him again until Friday after work. Long story short - on the nights he does things with SD (dinner, therapy session, etc) he stays with friends of ours in that town because it's too much for me to spend 2+ hours in the car round trip to go get him, just so he can commute the next morning by bus for 2 hours back in the direction he just came from. Plus, it means the baby doesn't get to bed on time and it's hard on everyone. I hope I'm making sense. Anyway, BM knows this - she knows that by scheduling him every damn night of the week that he can't come home to me and our family. It's just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
[disclaimer] We didn't see each other Monday night, but not because of BM. At my urging, my fiance read in a play reading because DAMN, we need some fun in our lives too! I feel so bad for him that he rarely ever gets to do that anymore because we moved out of the city to be closer to my job. He stayed overnight with our friends - again, for the same reasons I stated above.
Anyway, I'm thinking that tomorrow night I'll fight rush hour traffic for 40 miles from the office to SD's town (almost an hour and a half with a hungry screaming toddler in the back seat) just to have a little bit of time with my fiance and SD. We'll get home afterward with an exhausted little girl at around 9pm (her bedtime is 7:30pm) and have a precious hour or two alone together and he'll turn around and leave on the 6am bus for work the next morning. (sigh)
I'm not really looking for advice, but just whining that this whole thing is so unfair! Wah! 
I'm aware that I'm projecting all my anger onto BM, when it's not her fault that it's complicated for us because of where we live and work, but I would just appreciate her including him on her decision-making that dictates OUR schedule!
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Comments
You have every right to complain!
It's frustrating when someone is intentionally screwing with your house, the function of your house, and the function of your marriage, just to be vindictive. I know, I know...your bm is extremely crazy, but the fact is, she does this shit just to be a thorn in everyone's side, without any regard to how her ill manners and rudeness impact you, your dh, and your precious children.
I share similiar frustrations with my bm, she just isn't as crazy as yours.
If your bm would just communicate, and work on getting on with her life, she wouldn't try so hard to occupy your life so much.
Whine all you want...we are here for you!
Hugs,
Candice
Thanks - I feel kinda silly
Thanks - I feel kinda silly bitching about the trivial stuff when we've got bigger problems! So thank you for validating my feelings. That's all I needed to hear!
But don't forget to
smile Caitlyn cause crazylady is just showing her true colors again, and giving you more dirt to fill in her hole! While I completly understand your frustration for experience...we spent summer holidays 6hrs away from the boys one summer, figuring it would be great we would have the boys for 2weeks anyways. 5days early bm1 calls insisting she get ss back the next day as she had made family plans with her bf and skids!! No options must be the next day! Result bm2 had to come up with daycare for ss cause he obviously would go to...not making the trip twice! and to kick it all up, bs was turning 3 the next day. So instead of him waking up with his whole family, and us hitting the canoe for an overnighter...he woke up to me and sis, no dad, no brothers, and dh spent the day driving for twelve hours!! BTW bm1's plans didn't happen, she really wanted to head off somewhere but had to ditch ss at her brothers!!
Good news I think for you though Caitlyn because I can't see any sane person coming out of your case who doesn't see your sd is better off with you and her dad!
That's beyond frustrating!
That's just vile! I can't believe that happened to you! What a big giant bummer. And all for nothing?! You must've wanted to spit nails.
Thanks for sharing. It helps to commiserate sometimes, doesn't it?
Alright, now I'm really annoyed
One of BM's and BF's "tasks" assigned by the therapists last week was to communicate openly and in advance of any upcoming plans with SD. (Someone's failing miserably at that, I might add!) So last night at the school thing they went to, BF gave it the old college try, swallowed back the bile in his throat and offered up that we're taking SD to the aquarium on Saturday (which is in another state, by the way.) He held his breath, waiting for her to go off and say we don't have her permission like she usually does and she just said "oh, that's nice." Ok, good. Progress? Not!
BM calls some time after midnight and leaves a message saying that SD wants to go to a sleepover party on Friday night for her cousin's 11th birthday and she will drop her off at our place "some time on Saturday morning." There are sooooo many things wrong with this.
a) Why didn't she bring this up when they were discussing the weekend's plans that very evening? I dare her to say she just found out about it. You don't plan a birthday party with 2 days' notice. Nope, she's hiding behind voicemail. This way, she can be unavailable for days to discuss it and come to an agreement together. This way, she does what she wants and gets her way.
b) Our extended family plans parties for when SD will be with us - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great-grandparents, you name it. If that's not possible, we understand that SD will just have to miss out on that one. Her extended family should do the same. It is NOT BM's decision what SD does on OUR time! ASK us and we'll discuss it, but DICTATE to us and we just automatically want to say NO WAY!
c) We're leaving our place at 9am on Saturday to drive an hour and a half to spend the entire day out and about. You're gonna tell me that an 11-year-old girl is going to be well-rested enough for that after a sleepover party? Great idea!
d) SD told us last weekend that she'd like some family time at home for our next weekend. When we told her about the aquarium for Saturday, she asked if we could have Friday night and Sunday at home together. (I ate that right up! This time next year, she probably won't want ANY family time!
So, BM is just going to take that away without discussing it with us? Sorry, no.
Anyway, we'll discuss it with SD tonight to see what she thinks about all this. However, in a high-conflict situation like ours, this puts her IN THE MIDDLE, making her "choose" between her parents, which should never ever ever happen. I remember when I was her age and something came up that I wanted to do with my friends on my dad's weekend, my mom would just tell me "take it up with your dad. It's between the two of you. I'm not involved." She was smart! She didn't want my dad to see her as the evil ex who takes the kids away on his time. But see, this is different. BM wants SD to go to this sleepover, but I'm not so sure that SD's all that keen on it. SD is always saying how annoying her cousin is, how immature she is even though they're practically the same age, so why would she give up the "family time" she specifically requested to go hang out with the obnoxious cousin? Yep, that's right - because Mommy Dearest wants her to.
Well, all we can do is bring it up at the Family Based Therapy appointment tomorrow night. Watch, BM'll cancel it because she knows she's in the wrong and won't be able to wriggle her way out of it. I'm just so glad we have these therapists because in the past when BM pulled this type of thing, she'd put SD on the phone sobbing and begging "please, Daddy! Just do what Mommy says. Just this once! It'll be ok - I'll see you on Saturday, Daddy. Please just let me go so Mommy won't be upset." I'll tell you what: those days are OVER.
I just puked for you
Un-real Caitlin. Absolutely un freakin real. (Now ya know why I put your BM 2nd on the 'road trip' hit list)
It amazes me every time. How manipulative and down right mean.
I tell ya, one of DK's responses to my letter regarding the excess calls from her to BF about nothing. "well, aren't you selfish, these are his children and you don't want your precious time to be taken away, so that he may be imformed as to what's happening in their lives. You are the one that needs to grow up".
I wanted to spit nails. It just goes to show you they can turn around and justify ANYTHING.
Jo
"I'll be alright in a year or two after I calm down". Detective Donahue - Soap
All very familiar
Seen it heard it and done all this for the last 4.5 years. Yawn. When will these bloody women GET OVER IT.
I too am tired of this BS ruling my life. Every contact is the same with BM making it difficult and making demands to the point where I think 'shove it up your fat ass'! Like I care anyway anymore!
Familiar? If not, give it time. Yawn.
your 1st paragraph describes
your 1st paragraph describes exactly what we are going through too w/ex witch. she does the same bullshit over and over. her excuse is oh I just found out, yeah right 2 or 1 day before the event???? she wants to be in control of ss and so far she's not abiding by the divorce decree. if we ever go back to court we got email evidence of it all to back us up. so if i were you i would document everything.
-happy mom
Ok, I'm over it
No matter what happens with this weekend, I will be ok. My fiance told BM that the cousin's party interfered with our plans, so unfortunately SD would not be able to go this time. If she raises a big stink, we'll address it with Family Based Therapy. We brought it up with SD last night at our (wonderfully lovely!) visit and it was such a non-issue. My fiance said "Your mom and I talked about your cousin's party, but Caitlin and I didn't think it a good idea since we're going to the aquarium the next morning and we don't want you to be exhausted. Plus, we were all looking forward to a nice family evening Friday night. What do you think?" SD replied, "that's fine" and that was the end of that. I'm sure we'll hear from BM that SD "came home crying that you won't let her go to the party" or some such nonsense, but I'm not going to get my panties in a twist over it. If BM wants to make a fool of herself by projecting HER desires onto SD, then let her. (She wants her daughter and niece to be closer but SD honestly doesn't like her very much.) The therapists will see what's going on.
As for last night, I went ahead and fought traffic for an hour and a half to go see SD and BF; the baby didn't go down until 9:15pm, but boy oh boy did we have a great family evening together. The girls were soooo happy to see each other so it was totally worth it. Plus, I was happy to finally have an evening with my fiance since I hadn't seen him since Sunday! So see? BM didn't ruin everything!
I may have to whine every now and then about BM running our household, but at least I have a happy household despite all she does to cause trouble. We'll just keep diligently documenting all the crap BM pulls and hopefully one day we'll have a happy household that WE control, not HER. In the meantime, I'll just keep coming here and commiserating with you lovely folks.
And I just laugh
Ha ha HA. BM just called off tonight's Family Based appointment AND finally informed him that she hadn't scheduled them a parent/teacher conference in the first place because it would have conflicted with the FB appointment. Damn, isn't she timely? She called right AFTER the last bus to our town, so now I have to go pick him up. That's ok - at least I have my fiance home with me tonight. (See? I'm thinking positive!)
As for the cancelled FB appointment, BM says that SD doesn't feel well so she called it off. First of all, SD doesn't even meet with them on Thursday nights - it's just BM and BF at those meets. I think she's just avoiding owning up to the fact that she's trying to screw with our weekend because she wants SD to go to her cousin's party tomorrow night and will pull out all the stops to make that happen. She knows they would call her out on her misbehavior tonight so she just cancels. She canceled SD's appointment with them last night as well because SD was "too busy" - she had newspaper club after school and then dinner with us. This just seems fishy to me. They missed 2 weeks of FB for spring break, had one week on and then the next week off again. Sounds to me that BM is trying to avoid avoid avoid. In the last 4-week period when they should have met 8-12 times, they've met twice I think. Sounds like someone's not complying with the treatment.
I hope that SD's "sickness" tonight isn't one of her world-class bellyaches. When she gets worried and anxious about something (like the conflict over the cousin's birthday party perhaps?) she complains of a stomachache and cries her little eyes out because she doesn't know how to deal with the drama. I hope she's ok.
She's running scared...
It's bound to happen. The wheels are finally turning in her head and she's figuring it out now... the therapists aren't her friends, they are her enemies. Plus, I'm certain that they are making her more and more uncomfortable each session because she can't convince them of her tragic issues with DH. So, she's going to pull canceling sessions at every twist and turn she can get to delay any corrective action or process, counteract anything that may possibly get through to her... if it does, I doubt it though... it's normal for someone that is this deep into denial. The thing is that she doesn't realize that will work against her... but oh well. The better for you.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...