I'm an SM (divorced, no children) of two really cool but tiring SS's and the partner of one workaholic, hysterically funny and wonderful SD who I love dearly. While on this site all of our stories share the sanity-trying world we live in on a daily basis, here's a bit of background to consider as you read and hopefully advise me on my situation:
1. BM and BD divorced six or so years ago. BM's partner and the guy she was cheating on BF with, lives with her.
2. BM has primary custody and lives with the SD (unmarried) of the children who brought his own BS14 into the relationship and then the BM and SD had a baby last year. There are four children in the BM's house on a given day.
3. SS9 and SS11 - SS9 spends more time with us than SS11. In general they spend approximately 40% of their time with us. BD pays for everything and pays heavy child support. He's financially very supportive as well as considerate of the children's needs.
4. I live with BD (we're not married, either) and the BM causes considerable conflict, seeing me as a threat to her relationships with the SS's and not allowing anything from me into her house and she doesn't want to see me or talk to me (I've never met her and doubt I will any time soon.) Why anyone would not, no matter the circumstances, want to meet an adult who has a lot of influence in their child's life makes no sense. Perhaps one of you can comment on this... BD didn't cheat on BM, he even tried to reconcile for the children but that failed. She apparently has some kind of mental disorder, but I cannot comment on this directly since I've not met her or spoken to her.
5. BM SMS's, emails, calls, and so on for very petty things and she does so in a very nasty manner most of the time, but when there's an event or something positive for the children, she doesn't communicate this to BD until last minute or too late to do anything - unless there's an expense attached in which case she will tell him to pay but may not give information to him regarding the event.
6. Most importantly - BD IS AFRAID to do something that might set her off because he doesn't want to lose seeing the children. They need him and the structure we provide especially with school and with structure. BD believes that BM will do something like take the kids away - the state of CA is notoriously mother-centric and doesn't give a damn about the father. On a regular basis, she loses it and then she threatens to give him the kids full time when she can't handle it anymore. He hopes that one day this will stick and that she will give him the boys, but today, we're uncertain. He knows that I am in full support regardless of how much we have them.

I work full time and I feel like a convenience to the BM and a cook, maid, servant, driver, etc. to the BF and the SS's. The SS's respect me and they do listen for the most part - as boys of 11 and 9 will, but it's very difficult to sit back and do triage after they've had a rough time, especially SS9. Neither has good study habits and BS and I are both educated and help them as much as possible; we're careful to let them be who they want to be and discuss what needs discussion. BM and SD are not educated and use terms like "gay" to describe the boys to one another about behavior and clothing choices, sports, etc.

I could go on and on. But the fact is - there's a lot of moving parts, many players, and of course our share of drama. As a SM it's hard to sit by the sidelines sometimes, hard to put everyone else first, hard to make our home special for everyone, and hard to watch as the boys suffer sometimes because they're confused and told they "can't love" me by the BM. It's sad and yet I can see some positive outcomes of my involvement in their lives, and in their dad's life. Things have improved all around for them and that is satisfying. However, after this weekend of having them get ready for back to school and being the default person, I can only say - arghhhhhhh! Anyone know a good massage therapist? All that and the BM undermines me and does her subterfuge at any point in a visit and poisons the boys thinking about me and their BD as often as possible. Yikes. Better get some work done... there's lots to tell but I am out of time as many days go. There's cleaning to do and you know what it's like. You've been here or will be here at some point.

Thank you for any and all future support.

Looking forward to some daily updating and hopefully not too much bitching.