SD11 cries and wants to be with BM
SD11 lately has just been acting odd. We finally got her to open up a bit last night and she says that she wants to spend more time at BM's. SD says that she really misses her mom whenever she is away from her. We aren't quite sure what to do about the whole situation. DH and I really blame BM for this because she gets SD involved in way too many adult issues. BM tells SD that she should be able to choose where she wants to be (even though court papers are VERY specific). BM also talks to her about placement and puts things into her head (a lot of what came out of SD's mouth last night was really BM talking). BM also used to go out on some of her placement weekends and then when DH picked her up at 5 on Sunday, SD would cry and want to go back to BM because she said she didn't get any time with her over the weekend. When this happened, BM expected us just to let her come back, but we never took her, because it wasn't our problem that she wasn't spending her placement time with her. This hasn't happened in a while, but BM definitely still feels that we should bring her back whenever she wants to go back. BM also has made SD feel guilty ever since she was little for coming over to our house. Not sure if she still does it, but SD use to tell us that her mom always tells her how much she misses her when she is gone and that she doesn't sleep well when she is not there, etc. SD said that she even misses her mom a lot if she goes to a sleepover for just one night. We understand that kids will miss their parents sometime, but is it unhealthy if it gets to this point??
We really aren't sure what to do. We don't want SD unhappy, but DH definitely doesn't want to give up any of his placement time. DH currently has 40% overall placement (50% in the summer, alternating holidays and then the rest of the year, Friday at 5 through Monday morning when SD goes to school one week and Sunday at 5 through Tuesday morning when SD goes to school the other weeks), so SD is already with Mom majority of the time during the school year. We want SD to be just as much a part of our family as she is with BM and there is no reason for the schedule to change when we only live about 15 minutes apart and DH has off work on Monday's. In addition to this, money does play a role. When court papers were done 3 years ago, DH's child support was also cut in half since he has 40% placement. If SD only comes here every other weekend, child support will more than double for DH and we can't even afford that. A lot has changed since we redid the child support. We moved into a different house (not a large one at all, but it is newer than the 100+ year old home we were in), we had a child (now 21 months) and we have twins on the way, so we will soon have 3 in daycare. We are on a pretty tight budget already and there is no way we could make ends meet with having child support more than double.
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We actually have told her
We actually have told her that these decisions are up to the judge because they don't want the child put in the middle. SD still thinks that she should get whatever she wants because BM constantly is telling her things like, "I listen to what you want and your dad does not" and "your dad should listen to what you want and let you have more of what you want." BM puts all these ideas in SD's head that the decisions are hers to make. We let her make normal child decisions, but we don't let her decide big things like her mom sometimes does.
We have also told her several times that it's okay to miss her mom, but that we also want to spend time with her. It doesn't help that she will be "sick" sometimes and then BM refuses placement and then BM proceeds to argue with DH right in front of SD and BM stands there and says she is not feeling well and she can stay if she wants to. The times that this happens, she has not even been truly sick.
Seems like you have gone through your share of this. It is definitely not fun.
It doesn't sound evil at all,
It doesn't sound evil at all, I've seen it too. Just last year DH cancelled on his buddies who had bought very expensive tickets to a sporting event and he cancelled on them all because SD11 was complaining he didn't spend enough time with her lately. Within the past month he had taken her on a daddy/daughter dinner date for her birthday, taken an entire week off during Spring Break so he could hang out with her, and several other days where they hung out together at home while I was working. What did she want to do when he cancelled on his friends? Go shopping so she could get new sports gear, new sneakers, new clothes, etc. I have warned him that taking her shopping every single time for father/daughter time is a dangerous habit to get into. How about taking her to the batting cages to practice her swing (she plays softball)? Or play some board games together. Or anything else other than shopping! Then a few weeks later we were at the store and she sees something she wants and says to him, "You should buy me that because that's what dads do and because you love me." He got so pissed off, but really it is his fault! Quit trying to buy her love and she will stop equating love with money spent on her.
But all of this because she was in tears one day because he didn't spend enough time with her. Funny. . . her mom had texted DH just the day before complaining that he wasn't spending enough time with her without Whitty.
SD is allowed to have friends
SD is allowed to have friends here, but she doesn't do it very often because she doesn't know as many people around here. We live in the next town over from her mom, but even at her mom's where she is a bit closer to her friends, she really doesn't have people over there.
I don't think it that big of
I don't think it that big of deal. Like I said, she has friends over here more than at her mom's.
I don't see where SD having
I don't see where SD having friends over at dad's is the issue here at all. At 11 years old, if that were the issue I'm pretty sure she is old enough clarify that is why she is upset, not that she is missing her mom. My SD is 11 too. But like OP said, she has friends at her house more than at BM's anyways, which is similar to our situation.
She is not yet (I have had
She is not yet (I have had this conversation with her already because she is more comfortable talking to me about it than her dad for obvious reasons). I know she is prepared and knows all about it, but I wouldn't be surprised if hormones have something to do with all of this.
okay, before anybody jumps
okay, before anybody jumps the wagon here, i am NOT taking the BM's side..
, but maybe your SD really does just miss her mom...kids go through stages at different ages..she may miss her right now but possibly 2 years down the road she won't...i really wouldn't read too much into it right now...once my oldest daughter hit 14 she really didn't want to be around me so much, it was more about her friends and school and cheerleading than it was about good ol mom...just keep that in mind.. 
Dad's are great, but
Dad's are great, but sometimes a girl just needs her mom. Especially if BM is absent a lot on her parenting time.
But this really sounds as if BM is manipulating and putting things in the girl's head. My SD has had a phone since she was 7 (sooooo not our idea, BM's idea and her dime!), there have been the mushy gushy texts of, "Mommy misses you! I get so sad when you aren't here. I'm so lonely and bored without you. I just want to see your sweet face and kiss you and hug you and snuggle you!" And on and on. Yep, you all know it can't just be "Miss you, can't wait to see you but have fun at Dad's!" Anyways, this adds to the child's anxiety about spending time with the other parent instead of helping them adjust to being a child of divorce, BM is making it harder.
I think spacekadet was spot on with how to talk to SD about it. Let her know there are ways to process and deal with her feelings as well. I understand you don't want her to be unhappy, but trying to "fix" everything that is broken in her life isn't always best either. Teach her own her feelings and cope with them in a healthy way, instead of letting her feelings owning her. 11 years old is not too young to learn to cope with negative emotions.
We would love to have more
We would love to have more placement, but we couldn't really do a week on/week off schedule because we live in the next town over, so we don't have a bus that will take her to school. DH works an hour away and carpools and I work 20 minutes away (totally different direction) and have to drop my son off at daycare. This schedule works for us because DH is off on Monday's, so he gets her to school and then my mom watches our son at our house on Tuesdays, so every other Tuesday that we have her, I am able to get her to school because I don't have a daycare drop-off. It gets complicated, but we didn't want to stay in the same town just because BM lives there. My family lives in the same town as us and they help out quite a bit and we are both closer to work living here, so it was still the best option for us.
I do agree though that it is emotionally abusive to her. She got here last night and was sad that her hamster at BM's died, but then she asked to call her mom, so DH let her and she got off the phone and was crying a lot. Today, she seemed a little better, but just a little bit ago she asked to call BM and DH let her do it again and she got off the phone and was crying again. There is a reason that they say parents time should be uninterrupted. If she misses her mom, obviously it's just going to get worse if she keeps talking to her all the time while she is with us.