SS12 Isn't Even Here Yet and It's Already Started - VENT
If you remember my last few blog posts, DH has SS12 for Labor Day Weekend this year. BM and DH communicated about it a few weeks ago and BM made it clear that even though the court order says 3 p.m. pick-up at her house, she was sending SS12 to football practice from 2 p.m. to 3 p.m. since it was "her time." She told DH he was welcome to pick SS up at the football field at 3 p.m. (pulling him out early which was severely frowned upon and would devastate SS) or allow SS to complete the entire practice, picking him up at 4 p.m. DH played the game and agreed to pick up at 4 p.m. Of course BM didn't offer DH an additional hour anywhere as make-up for the hour lost from her manipulation.
On Sunday, DH checked the football app and it said Friday's practice was TBD. DH waited until yesterday to see if there was communication confirming or cancelling practice, but heard nothing. Yesterday morning, he emailed the coaches, who confirmed practice would be occurring until 4 p.m. DH planned accordingly and left timely to arrive at 4 p.m.
An hour into DH's drive to BMLand today, DH gets a text from BM stating that pactice is cancelled due to heat and she would see him at 3 p.m. at her house. DH, pissed at this point, stated due to the late notice, he will be there at 4 p.m. since he is already on the road and planned based on 4 p.m. She said it was fine.
I understand that BM can't control the weather and whether practice is cancelled or not. What I'm mad about is that BM should have never encouraged SS to attend practice on a day that DH is driving for visitation pick-up. She should have just stuck to the 3 p.m. pick-up time to prevent issues like this from happening. If DH was local, I could understand it, but the 8-hour roundtrip drive requires advanced planning and extra consideration. BM has always prioritized sports over DH's relationship with SS and it always results in DH losing time with SS.
There's my rant for the day. DH and SS should arrive by 8:30 p.m. tonight. Hopefully DH and SS arrive safely and we can enjoy the weekend drama free.
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Comments
SMH. Time for DH to serve BM
SMH. Time for DH to serve BM's crap right back at her when DH drops SS off.
They should stop for a meal at the specified return time and when BM loses her shit, DH should just say... shit happens. Just like a practice that gets canceled.
*pardon*
Lather..... rinse.... repeat.
BM always does the return
BM always does the return pick-up, so that won't be possible.
I did remind DH that we technically gained 2 hours last visit because BM had car trouble on her way to pick-up, so I guess it all balances out. DH was able to make up some ground and was 30 minutes ahead of schedule so it's not terrible. DH picked SS up at 3:30ish instead of 4.
I don't think that the time
I don't think that the time balance is the point. I think BM's manipulative bullshit is the point.
She needs a foot up her manipulative ass however that can happen. So, DH takes SS out before BM is to pick him up then he can text BM that he will meet her when they are done with their dad/son dinner together. She can sit her happy ass somewhere and wait. Just as she forces DH to do repeatedly with her bullshit.
I agree that that is very
I agree that that is very inconsiderate of BM.
I thought DH was planning on
I thought DH was planning on attending the practice? The over analyzing BM does for a whopping one hour of parenting is what is really baffling... Considering your DH has to do an 8 hour round trip drive .
DH was planning to arrive at
DH was planning to arrive at 3 p.m. to watch practice. The coach sent out a memo two weeks ago that all practices are now "closed" because they are having issues with distractions. I am assuming parents, middle school crushes, etc. have been watching practices and it's creating issues in the players' performances and focus during practice. After that, DH decided to just plan for 4 p.m. pick-up. I told DH, going forward, he needs to just show up at the court ordered time and wait in the car, that way if something like this ever happens again, he is already there on time.
I agree. I think an hour
I agree. I think an hour flexibility with practices wouldn't normally be anything too crazy except in this case there is a long drive so the stability of knowing an exact time becomes more important. You don't have someone coming in from so far and then jacking them around back and forth over dumb, inconsequential details. You give a place and time. Done.
She seems like a true PITA
She seems like a true PITA
Some of these BMs are so self centered it's sad they can't see how their behavior negatively affects coparenting with their entitled selves
sorry
Devil's advocate
Sports is important as a kid. I'm glad you acknowledged that BM cannot control weather or practice time. I understand your frustration as well.
I see that their custody situation is very in depth, even going down to an hour to pick up. I just don't see a fix to your problem. I guess Mom could say "nope, you must pick a different sport because football is cutting into Dad's pick up time", but that's unrealistic imo. Or not unrealistic, but silly. If it really bothers your hubby, maybe he could ask her to do drop off on practice days, and you all can do the going home drive?
I guess I'm wondering are you mad at the hour of watching practice it would've caused? Or the football coach cancelling last minute? Does this happen every time, or .... Are you upset that you all would've lost one hour time with him? I think if it was longer than a couple hours I would be pissed but an hour is not significant enough to cause a hostile conversation with BM.
For me, it is a balance sheet
For me, it is a balance sheet thing. The balance sheet does not lie. When a parent in the toxic opposition is toxic, it shows clearly on the balance sheet. It is not a single event thing. It is a long term data and facts thing.
The toxic end of the equation is... toxic. Not intermittently, they are generally consistently toxic with rare inklings of reasonableness.
Their rare flashes of reasonableness are far more often than not intended to get something out of the quality side that their usual toxicity will not get them.
They key to success is to keep the kids abreast of the facts in an age appropriate manner so that the kids can recognize the toxicity and learn to protect themselves from it. Not just as they are growing up, but as adults. Nearly invariably those in the toxic, shallow, and polluted side of a kid's gene pool do not stop their toxicity when a kid reaches the age of majority. As adults the kids need to continue to recognize the toxicity, update the facts, and keep the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool in their place. All through their own adulthood and to protect their own children from the toxend of their family.
It worked for his mom and I in raising my SS who is a man of character and a man of standing in his life, his profession, and his community.
IMHO of course.
It's more complex than that.
@GetAJob - It's more complex than that. It isn't about the one hour, it's about the fact that stuff like this with BM constantly happens and this goes back years. We have been dealing with PAS for 12 years now.
BM moved SS away, so she could be with her GF when SS was 5. The courts allowed it to happen because she has sole custody (BM and DH were teen parents and unwed so custody defaults to BM). We now live 8 hours roundtrip apart due to her move. When we went to court to set a reasonable long distance schedule and BM used sports as the reason to keep it to an absolute minimum. Our state mandates that long distance visitation is usually 8 weeks in the summer, but we only got 4 weeks (in two two week blocks) and alternating breaks because BM used sports to limit it. It was a super toxic, nasty one year custody battle where BM threw out abuse allegations, false medical diagnosis, etc. to try to get her way and the judge prioritized sports over DH's relationship with SS. That's the short version but way more happened involving BM's GF and BM's attempts to constantly interfere with DH and SS' relationship.
SS misses sports constantly on BM's time, but when it comes to DH's limited visitation of 6 weeks per year, SS can never miss sports for anything. BM keeps SS enrolled year round in sports to always have sports to fall back on to interfere with visits. The courts continue to allow this trend to occur so there is nothing we can do. DH doesn't care that SS does sports and he understands that SS values his sports. All DH asks is that BM be flexible with one practice or one camp when it comes to DH's visitation, like she is during her own custody time, but she won't. BM's game has always been screwing over DH.
DH and I have no plans to address this in court. The courts already told DH they will not support him in a pursuit against BM. DH knows arguing with BM is also wasted breath. So, I come to Steptalk to voice frustration on the double standards that exist and to vent. I am never normally looking for advice. I just need to shout to people who understand step life and the bullshit that comes with it.