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Update: Medical Bill (VENT)

CastleJJ's picture

So DH emailed BM asking what the plan is for SS' OT services, since he has been receiving them for 6 months. The therapists encouraged SS' involvement in sports, stating it would improve the condition, so DH didn't know if SS would continue to receive OT or not since football has started. We havent received an update from BM on the status of his OT since February, but we keep receiving bills for continued treatment, so DH wanted to check in. 

BM emailed DH back, stating that SS hasn't received OT in two months due to our parenting time, which is weird since we only had SS for two two week blocks and definitely not enough to prevent 2 months of consecutive treatments. BM stated that SS has an appointment this week, which she believes will be his last. 

BM then went on to say that she doesn't appreciate DH asking questions regarding SS' medical care. She highlighted that DH has never really asked questions when money wasnt involved, but now that we are being asked to pay, we are asking questions. BM stated that she wouldn't send bills just to send bills. She stated that "Money isn't her motivator." Well that is rich, BM. You sent DH a reimbursement request based on a refundable deposit 2 days after a medical procedure and when DH informed you that he would only pay once insurance was applied and a final medical bill was received, you stated "Sorry. I just wanted to make sure I didn't miss out on my payment." So clearly it is partially about the money. DH and I may dispute the validity of BM's medical requests with each other, but we never tell her that and we always pay the bills sent, as long as she sends the actual bill. Reminder: this is the same BM that asked DH to pay $800 for her and GF to attend parenting classes (which DH refused). 

DH responded to her that he has never questioned the medical necessity of any of it (to her face anyway), and that he only sent two questions related to medical billing - one asking for an actual medical bill to base payment on, not a payment confirmation listing nothing but the date, card number and amount, and the other, telling BM we would not pay the refundable deposit, only the final medical bill once insurance is applied. We have sent dozens of responses to medical updates stating "Thanks for the update. The check is in the mail," yet asking 2 questions is "questioning every visit/bill." Plus, SS has never really had medical attention outside of his annual physical and common childhood illnesses, so there was never much to question or follow-up on until now. We were simply asking for an update on OT, since we hadn't heard anything in months. 

And yes BM, we generally don't ask for additional information about medical because it always creates a fight and since BM is sole decision maker (which she continues to remind us of), so us asking makes no difference anyway. If BM wants to spend her money pursuing whatever medical care, so be it, but if we are making payment, we deserve to ask a few questions because we can't and won't just send a blank check whenever BM requests reimbursement. We deserve to know why reimbursement is being requested and for what. We deserve to ask for actual medical bills, not just base payment on BM's word. Plus, BM's word has been filled with lies, allegations, and manipulation in the past to PAS, so we have the right to be skeptical. In BM's eyes, we aren't good enough to see SS more than 6 weeks per year or be involved in any actual decision making, yet we are completely acceptable to pay the bill. DH is Dad by credit card or bank account only. 

Comments

Winterglow's picture

She doesn't appreciate him asking questions about his medical care? Time for your DH to remind her that he is also HIS son and that it's only natural to be concerned. 

Winterglow's picture

If you use OFW, it might be worthwhile making a comment about how he is the child's father and doesn't appreciate being treated like a mere sperm donor and ATM. 

CastleJJ's picture

We don't use OFW. The courts never ordered it and BM refuses to use it. We just use email. We have reminded BM of this fact and she always gaslights DH that she is well aware he is the father, but she holds sole custody, and the situation is the way it is, based on "choices DH made." We have still never figured out what those choices were since BM dumped DH and withheld SS for the first two years of his life. Then she goes on about how DH never does anything for SS and she is a poor single mother. 

I guess for clarification, BM stated that she doesn't mind if DH asks about medical care, but it seems he only asks when payment is involved, but doesn't ask when he doesn't have to pay. No, we would ask more about SS, but it always leads to a fight, so we generally leave it alone, since BM maintains sole custody. If she wants to pay to obtain random medical care, fine, but if we have to pay, we deserve to ask some questions about what the care is for. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

I would have DH say to BM: "BM, why is it that the ONLY time you have anything to share about SS's medical care is when it's time to pay the bill?"

notarelative's picture

I would not count on 'therapy' not continuing.  My first thought was that BM realized it was costing her (her part of the cost) too much to stick it to dad. But, then I thought with football starting BM was looking to take it off her plate. Here, football is a huge time commitment. Once football is over, SS may 'relapse' and need to go back into 'therapy'. I predict, that if there is a relapse, the relapse will occur just before or after SS's next visit with dad.

CastleJJ's picture

Football here is a huge time commitment too. SS practices Monday through Thursday for 3 hours with games every weekend, July through late October. 

I predict that if SS continues therapy, it will be after October when football ends or early next year. 

dragonfly878's picture

What if you just showed up to one of his football games. Didn't say a word- just surprised him (and them). I'd love to see the look on BM's face... sure it's her parenting time, but he has a right to see his son play. Especially if the game was closer to your house... 

CastleJJ's picture

We've done that. We have driven 4 hours to see SS play since none of his games are even close to us. BM and GF saw us and introduced us to the other team parents as "family friends." DH corrected her, informing everyone that he was SS' Dad. BM was mortified and GF looked anxious. We sat in the stands as BM trash talked us  a few rows up and then BM and GF immediately escorted SS to their car when the game was done, not really allowing DH to even say "Hi" to SS. It's a lot of distance, time, and gas for nothing. 

dragonfly878's picture

Perhaps not for nothing- as SS sees you put in the effort to be there. I'd keep it up. I'm sure SS appreciates it even if he doesn't say anything, and I'm sure it drives BM and GF crazy. Win win.

strugglingSM's picture

Classic HCBM manipulation playbook...anytime the dad asks a question just try to turn it back on the fact that he is a "bad father", no evidence needed. 

This is the exact reason that DH now avoids asking BM anything...he never gets a real answer and BM just uses it as an opportunity to claim she is a martyr and DH is a poor excuse for a parent.

CastleJJ's picture

It's so annoying. DH and I legit gave up asking BM anything about SS. If it doesn't affect our parenting time or involve money, we just leave it alone. It's not worth it. It's sad it has to be that way but we have tried so hard to be involved, only to be constantly abused by BM. 

CastleJJ's picture

UPDATE: BM emailed DH back. She went on that it is so frustrating that DH only is "involved" in SS' medical care when money is involved. She also reminded DH that the courts have encouraged him to be more involved by contacting the providers directly (which we do). DH doesn't have any medical decision making, so what type of involvement could he actually have outside of saying "Thanks for the update," which he does every time. 

BM then went on to say, "Thank you for saying you will continue to pay the bare minimum that the courts require you to pay. I will, as I always have, provide you updates regarding SS' medical care and answer any of your questions." 

Dumb - we ignored that whole email. BM again wants to play the matyr so a response isn't necessary. 

strugglingSM's picture

Her language is nearly word for word what the HCBM in my life has used. 

I just saw a video that said when dealing with a narcissist co-parent making untrue allegations, you should just reply by saying "You know that's not true" and then let them spin. 

It sounds like even if your DH is contacting the providers himself he would probably get stonewalled because BM has likely told them he has no decision-making authority. 

CastleJJ's picture

Oh BM has told them that. And GF is listed as the other parent on all school and medical documents so DH has to fax a copy of the CO, demanding the documentation. The provider or school usually has to review it, discuss with leadership, and then send the files if they want. We tried to get on the school's email list. BM lost her mind and blew up on the main office for adding DH as a contact. We received a copy of SS' academic record. In one of the boxes on the demographic page, it states "BM is sole custodian and sole decision maker. DH is SS' biological father, but has no rights. If he contacts the school or tries to make changes, please notify BM immediately as he does not have authority to do so." DH was listed as Emergency Contact #6 and listed as "Other Relative." Our CO states that DH can access records as long as doing so does not interfere with BM's sole custody. 

It's a whole lot of work for nothing and we end up stonewalled a lot of the time. Even when we do get information, its hard to make heads or tails of it without clear communication from BM. We are literally trying to piece the puzzles together between actual documentation, emails from BM, and the medical bills. 

thinkthrice's picture

like what the Girhippo did and Chef DOES have joint legal!  The school told him that his opinion is bupka and that the Gir overrides anything he says.   We waved the CO around.  Did no good.  The Gir listed SDBB as a contact, her BM, and her Aunties.  When Chef tried to get himself added, she had a conniption and repeatedly had the school take him off.

Same thing as at doctors, dentists, orthodontists, extra curriculars (in which the Gir did the classic HCGUBM move of signing skids up for everything under the sun).  Of course, Chef was informed after the fact and presented with the bills.

The best was when Battleaxe Galactica presented handwritten astronomical "receipts" for child care (for her own grandchildren) to Chef to "prove" childcare expenses to the court.  Gir also tried to remain on Chef's health insurance years after the divorce when she was running her failed catering biz.  SDBB also photoshoppped her W2 by reversing a couple numbers for the courts after she got her fru fru job at CPS.  (Ex: $52,000 became $25,000)  The magistrate bought it even though her actual salary shows up on seethroughny.net!    She got away with not presenting her tax returns as well.   She also got away with not showing up to court because seeing Chef "would cause her emotional distress."  They never hauled her ass in for failure to appear/contempt the way they would have if Chef pulled that stunt.

Chef ended up paying 200% of the cost of braces for the older two because he "trusted the Gir" (TM)  The Gir pocketed the difference and the magistrate was fine with this larceny.  I guess braces weren't that important after the skids went on HER insurance so YSS was never slapped into braces at just turned eight yrs old like the older two were.

 Chef has been through four attorneys with practically zero results.  I could go on and on.   Not even a long distance situation although the Gir kept moving (5-6 times) farther away from us even after we moved closer to her so that Chef could be more involved.   This really frosted her and the PAS went to scorched earth.  We are 25 minutes at best from all of them.   The Gir would never move long distance unless she could take Battlaxe and all her ever loving enmeshed family.

I guess the bright side is that you only have ONE skid to deal with under these circumstances.   Imagine tripling it!

CastleJJ's picture

I am so thankful SS is the only kid and that DH had him young. DH will only be 38 when SS ages out. I couldn't imagine having more skids or being older and dealing with BM. 

thinkthrice's picture

Chef will have paid for two decades and will be almost 56 before it is all over.   No savings for retirement.

Thumper's picture

I swear they are all cut from the same cloth.

IF there is any way to only deal with medical offices', that is what I would do.

*cell phone reports can show your calls to medical offices for updates with docs IF bm tells the court you made zero effort*

Sorry you must cope with this junk from bm...trust me, you are not alone. (((HUGS))))

 

 

CastleJJ's picture

It's enough to make you feel crazy. I constantly feel like we are the bad people for trying to be involved and questioning BM. It has come to the point where we believe the crap she says about us. I honestly wish we could just disappear and cut all ties with SS, BM, and GF. I hate that we have to be somewhat involved, only for visitation and CS, for the next 7.5 years. Plus, I feel like the mental capacity it takes to deal with BM every so often and the anxiety I have prevents me from fully enjoying time with DD, which makes me feel like crap too. I just want to rid myself of the situation. IMO, BM and GF can have SS. 

Survivingstephell's picture

How much would it take to pay her off and cut the connection to SS legally? Everyone has a number.   She does this to play games with DH.  It's the only reason and after so much time of this you can't tell me you haven't discussed it.  SS can look you up when he is 18.   

CastleJJ's picture

Whatever number she would demand, we could never afford it. And there would be nothing stopping her from coming back for more before SS ages out. BM lives to make our lives hell and it would take a HUGE chunk of change for her to give that up. I have discussed allowing GF to adopt SS, especially since SS already sees GF as more of a parent than DH. DH is not ready to give up the relationship with SS, so we continue to play this game of half-in/half-out and I try to remove myself from the crap as much as possible. Luckily, we only see SS 6 weeks per year and BM rarely contacts us anymore, so we get to live our lives relatively normally. But when BM does rear her ugly head, its always a fun time. Luckily we only have 7.5 more years of this and DH and I are young, so we will also have a long life without BM. 

Ispofacto's picture

So DH emailed BM asking what the plan is for SS' OT services

That was a mistake.  DH has no control over what she does, and giving her any response at all is just feeding the troll.  She got attention and knows he's annoyed, so she will do it more.  Also she will stubbornly dig her heels in to prove she is right.  He gave her face time to denigrate him.

And he didn't stop there.  He defended himself and argued with her.  

 

CastleJJ's picture

We initially just asked what the plan was for OT. Yes, we deserve to know how long he is going to receive treatment for, especially since we are paying for part of it. And yes, DH did go down the rabbit hole, but only because DH wanted to dispute her lies for documentation, should we ever need it. Although, I doubt we will ever need it because we don't plan to go to court again and it's not like the courts listen to us.

We won't ask anymore questions and we will just pay what she asks, as long as there is a bill attached. Unfortunately, if you ask BM anything, we get this response.