Sorry for the vent, but I am just baffled and a little pissed off. If you read my previous blog, you'll know that BM had to put down SS11's rabbit this week due to old age. SS is with us this week so it has been difficult to navigate that situation with the distance and allowing him to grieve and have proper closure. I think we have done a good job allowing SS to process his grief. We bought SS a memorial brick and mailed it to BMs. He got to pick it out and personalize it, which we feel gave him a sense of control in a powerless situation. We have talked to him and we told him, "if you want to talk about it, we will sit and talk about it for as long as you need. If you don't want to, that's okay to. We are going to take this grieving process however you need." We have checked in emotionally with SS regularly over the last few days, just to make sure he isn't burying his feelings. Honestly, I think this kid has grieved, accepted the loss, and is trying to move on. We have offered distraction, but he is also just back to his normal routine at our house and doing well. He is laughing and smiling despite everything going on. 

Yesterday, BM's GF texts DH to check in on SS. Of course, it's not BM checking in; she hasn't checked in since they were at the vet and SS said his goodbyes over Facetime. DH replied that SS was doing well and basically outlined everything we said above. GF then responded basically saying that it's nice that our visit is providing a distraction, but SS isn't feeling the full intensity of his grief here because the rabbit wasn't here and he won't truly react until he gets back with them and SS has to face the fact that the rabbit isn't there during his day-to-day life. She then went on about how her and BM are going to have to deal with the full emotional fallout, while we have only dealt with a small/fake portion of it. DH just responded saying "We will let you know if anything changes during the remainder of his visit." He ignored any additional texts from her. I told DH, I guarantee if the shoe was on the other foot and our dog died while SS was at BM's, they would dismiss it say "well he isn't really that sad because he was never really with you guys" and they would try to claim he wasn't bonded with our dog. 

I understand that SS may/will likely go through the grieving process again when he gets back to BM's since he will have to directly face the reality of the situation but I felt like this comment was really shitty. Yet again, it minimizes any effort we have put into this situation, which BM and GF ALWAYS DO! We are never as good of parents as them, we never deal with the same level of parenting as them, we never provide adequate support or encouragement compared to them, etc. We have this kid 6 weeks per year, which is BM's doing since she fought tooth and nail to keep this kid away from us as much as possible. Of course they are going to do more than we do, because they have him 85% of the time! But we don't do any less for SS than we would do for our DD. DH said that this is GF's insecurities showing and she has to feel "better" that us to feel stable in her SM position.

Plus, I have seen such resiliency in kids, not just SS, but kids in general. When tragic things happen, kids want routine and they want to grieve, process it, and move on. It is the purest form of emotion and it isn't riddled with all of the complex emotional bullshit that adults experience like regret, remorse, etc. I swear BM and GF want SS to sit and wollow in this experience for weeks because that is what they feel he should be doing; like that is what normal processing should look like. And it is likely how they want to process their own grief over the rabbit. Why can't we just be thrilled this kid is happy and doing well despite the circumstances? Why does he have to be an emotional wreck in order to be okay? 

This isn't the only hard life experience SS has been through and BM and GF have expected SS to grieve all these experiences to the fullest extent, despite the long term damage it may cause. SS, BM, and GF lost an adult family friend to cancer a few years back. SS was still struggling emotionally a year later, despite the fact that the kids of this deceased friend had already moved on. BM said "he is just sensitive and had a very close bond with this friend. It's normal to struggle this long after." I get that everyone grieves differently, but this kid was acting practically traumatized where the actual children who lost their Father were totally fine." And he is this way with every traumatic incident. He had had a full emotional breakdown in a restaurant parking lot over a distant "family member" (read friend of BM's) that died five years prior. Something triggered him and he just lost it. I swear, BM and GF want to examine every facet of SS' emotional capacity and if they feel he isn't coping "correctly," they try to realign it with what they feel is right. I just don't understand. I don't feel it is appropriate for SS to be feeling everything all the time. I feel like all of this needs to be handled in an age appropriate manner and in a way that helps him process and move on, not wollow in the past. We don't need SS having a full mental breakdown his senior year of HS over his pet rabbit dying when he was 11.