Welcome Catherine. Don't be too hard on yourself--Its just a little culture shock you're going through. I, and others, went through the same thing--At the beginning I was all for it and exicted then BOOM!---what the heck did I sign up for?...lol

As time goes on you'll acclimate. Make sure you give time to yourself if you need to. I'm sure BF, kids, and kids bio mom(?) are adjusting as well. Just be patient with each other and keep up the communication with all involved and everything should work out fine

How do I cope?

Red Wine.

First step is honing in on what it is that is bothering you. Bottom line?

If it's because they don't help around the house.. then you are having the same frustration as about 75% of every parent out there of a teenager. If that makes you feel any better.

You moved into his house and it's different for you. Built in families are hard. Growing accustomed to each other is going to be difficult.

What is it that you ultimately want? To feel less like an outsider? To get the kiddos to pick up after themselves? Where does your frustration really lay? Honestly?

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

You've gone from zero to 60 in no time flat. You lived by yourself and now you are living with your BF and his three teens. It would be hard enough adjusting to living with a boyfriend and dealing with the things that crop up (like realizing he never hits the toilet when he pees or doesn't bother to rinse out the sink when it's full of crusted food) but at least you're in love with him so it makes it a bit easier to adjust to his idiosyncracies. But then you have three other near-adults living with you and you don't have the same feelings for them or the same patience with them.

So set boundaries. Be clear with your BF that you expect certain things to be done if you are to be comfortable with the living situation.

1) For example, everyone must clean up after themselves in the kitchen. It's hideous having to clean everyone else's dirty dishes and crumbs and mess.

2) Make your bedroom and bathroom your safe haven and don't be afraid to disappear into it (put a nice sturdy lock on the door if there isn't one already).

3) Do not do everyone's laundry. They are all perfectly capable. Carve out time to do your laundry and your BF's if you so desire and let BF or the kids handle the rest.

By coming up with some things you can control it will help you to feel less frustrated and resentful in the long run. But if you haven't already, you really need to have a conversation with your BF about what you expect in living together. It is not unreasonable that he should either expect his kids to clean up after themselves or clean up after them himself if he refuses to make them accountable. It is not unreasonable to expect that you be made to feel included and not like a guest in your own home. It is not unreasonable to expect that your BF carve out time for the two of you and make the effort to demonstrate your importance to him in front of his children (sitting next to you, hand holding, kisses and hugs).

I've had the same feelings. I used to be one of those people that traveled a lot and moved a decent about (lived in 4 states and 3 countries between the ages of 19 and 24). All of a sudden I married a man with a kid and was like "Oh my....this is it....not going anywhere anytime soon!"

It's a bit of a shock but you will adjust. And you're lucky...if the youngest step kid is already 14 you only have 4 more years until they're all out! Just think if you married a guy with an infant!

I had the same culture shock, Catherine. I moved 1500 miles, away from my entire family and my newborn nephew to be with BF. It was hard, I'm not gonna lie, and it's still hard sometimes. Expect some very rough patches, some very good times and a lot of adjusting. The girls (and guys) here have helped me tremendously, as does a steady supply of beer or margaritas. Talk to BF, tell him how alone you feel and that you'd like to start functioning as a family. Be honest but not accusatory. Set rules and boundaries. Constantly_guilty's list is great - everyone needs to do their part. You're not their maid, that only leads to resentment. Trust me on that one, I know We're all here for you!

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

Hi Catherine,

I am a new SM too.. what an eye opener! and the two kids dont even live with us.

Two things that really keep my sanity (other than red wine or burbon) is to spend some "adult time" with your partner every day. Just half an hour in the morning or at night (even if you have to get up early or stay up late) makes such a difference in my life.
Plus I make sure that I allow my partner and his kids the same courtesty, at least 1 hour of dad and kid time a day, without me.

You are the outsider in their group, dont be offended. They probably feel the same about you and their dad when you show affection to each other. It is not personal.