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I want to give up

Cattitude723's picture

Submitted by Cattitude723 on Mon, 05/07/2018 - 9:26pm

Let me start by saying I love my husband, but everything he comes with feels like too much at times. The beginning of our relationship was HELL!! Between his insecurities, his ex wife, his daughter, and his family, I don’t know how I made it this far. I was nice to everyone and they all gave me their asses to kiss. His daughter flat out said she didn’t like me and I kept trying and trying. Then she hated me so much that she reported my husband (who is a teacher btw) for child abuse and neglect. They of course didn’t find anything to build a case on but that was the straw for me. I haven’t liked or trusted her since. I’ve tried to let it go but I just wish that she wasn’t around. I’m in such a bad mood when she comes here. I hate when I see his ex wife’s name pop up on his phone. I hate that he blames me for everything. I’m supposed to just “let it go” when he didn’t address it with anyone. It was just swept under the rug as if it never happened. Everything about her annoys me and I know it’s because I Just don’t like her. It’s to the point where my husband can’t be my husband and her father. I don’t want to be without him but I don’t want to live with her either. Idk how to get out of my own way. I tell him how I feel and he just tells me to let it go. It’s been 2yrs and I should get over it. That’s my first impression of these people and I don’t love or like them. It’s not as easy for me as it is for him. It makes me resent him a little and think maybe I am better off being alone. We have so much tied up together financially (house, both of our cars, the cat lol), idk how to leave. My family loves him and of course is on his side because they don’t know everything that his daughter has done.  Am I a terrible person for hating my step child? 

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Cattitude723's picture

Submitted by Cattitude723 on Tue, 05/08/2018 - 5:54am

Thankfully we don’t have any children, and we don’t plan on having any. I think about his toxic family and my uterus shutters lol. This is my first marriage, his 3rd. I often at times feel like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing or how to make this thing work. It’s hard enough sharing your life with someone and then add on the undesirables and it gets tricky. I’m still figuring this thing out. 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Tue, 05/08/2018 - 8:00am

This would be a total disengagement to your SD.  I would not wast my time talking to her.  I would treat her as she treats you. 

Cattitude723's picture

Submitted by Cattitude723 on Tue, 05/08/2018 - 9:14am

She actually treats me like royalty now lol. It's weird, now that shes made me not like her, she worships the ground that I walk on. I am cordial but that's as far as it goes. She fears me a bit, which I think is great because it keeps her out of my way lol. My husband is the one who is suffering. He has dreams of us being this happy family, but I am apparently "holding on to pettiness and disdain" -Husband. He says I am loyal to my pettiness and it doesn't allow for him to be a father. I don't understand how he has so much to say to me about my actions but let his daughter and ex-wife off like its nothing.  I've asked him that a few times and the answer is always that "they haven't bothered us in 2yrs." 

fairyo's picture

Submitted by fairyo on Tue, 05/08/2018 - 1:55pm

I am so sorry to read about the tough time you're having. It is a tale repeated over and over here. but one which people outside this situation can never seem to understand. Your DH is an expert sweeper of stuff under rugs- these men do seem to have an over-idealised view of step-family life and often the more you try to bring them into your reality the more they sweep and you end up the one accused of being loyal to your pettiness. Your family make take his side because they only see the lovely clean carpet, not all the mess beneath. Sometimes you are the only one who can see it and you have to decide whether you want it to stay there or get it all out in the open so that can deal with it yourself.

Like you, I was tied up financially to my X and couldn't see how I could possbly leave him, but I have done and, if it is right for you, you will be able to make it work too (hopefully without too much pain for the cat!).

You are not a terrible person for hating your SD- she is a very damaged and mixed-up girl and you did not damage her- keep telling yourself that fact. It was all done long before you turned up and there is nothing short of magic wands and pixie dust (also under the rug!) that will fix that.

What you can fix though, is your own self-esteem and sense of what is reasonable to tolerate within your own relationship. Do not expect anyone to understand- I find it very hard to explain to people why my relationship is over- if I suggest it was really to do with his attitude to his family I just get blank looks as if I went to Mars and came back because there was no ice-cream. Only people who have lived this know the destruction it causes.

Please let us know how you get on- and start believing in yourself again before they drive you completely nuts!