Off topic- Advice please
Okay so I am majorly ticked off at DH for taking out an 18000 loan for a motorcycle because I am trying to figure out how to pay 25000 dollars of medical bills for our bio son. He is overseas on business right now, and he keeps sexting me and trying to get me to have phone sex with him. No judgement on anyone who does it, but sexting, phone sex, and computer sex, any sex involving electronics is a major turn off for me. He calls it "being flirtatious" but sends me really gross messages like " I am picturing you sitting on my face," like all day long while I am changing diapers and helping the kids with homework and grocery shopping. I have told him this is a turn off but he keeps doing it. I think that maybe I should get rid of my cell phone. Or turn off my texting and not use fb an email anymore.
ETA: I haven't really been feeling sexy lately because I am tired from taking care of six kids and irritated at DH for being so irresponsible with our finances. I want to have a good marriage with strong emotional intimacy, but he seems obsessed with freaky sex. Am I wrong here? How do deal with his behavior.
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I think it can be a terrific
I think it can be a terrific way to remain intimate while he's gone.
Would you rather he go somewhere else for fulfillment?
Sometimes, being a spouse involves doing something for the other person, imo. You may not like it, but he does. And since he's overseas and alone, presumably supporting everyone, I'd be willing to sacrifice for him.
I think he's sacrificing for YOU by being away from his family working.
Also, is it possible you're just upset about the motorcycle and are using it as an excuse to "punish" him?
No he has been trying to get
No he has been trying to get me to do phone sex and sexting since before the motorcycle. I am just turned off by it.
I'd just tell him you're
I'd just tell him you're uncomfortable with it and ask if there's anything else you can do to help ease the sexual tension. He should be ok with you not participating if you're not ok with it.
And for him to seek it out elsewhere? Shit - I would hope he has more control and dignity and respect for his marriage NOT to!
Yeah, he isn't the cheating
Yeah, he isn't the cheating type. I might just tell him if he doesn't stop I will turn off the phone.
I hear ya. I realize men
I hear ya. I realize men have "needs" and are visual creatures. Would you be opposed to sending him pics of you in bra/panties, posing seductively?
I might do that but I don't
I might do that but I don't want to encourage him to send more gross texts. Also, once he posted "I can't wait to come home and get some ass!" On my FB wall accidently. So I don't entirely trust him electronically.
LMAO well tell him you're ok
LMAO well tell him you're ok with sending him photos but the texts are just not your thing. I don't get into that either and I'm VERY sexually adventurous. It just doesn't do a damn thing for me you know?
Every now and then I'll send DH a naughty text but it's relatively tame and he'll just respond back with "I'm a lucky guy" or "Can't wait for that"...it keeps him going without being full on NASTY...
Thanks for your advice, I use
Thanks for your advice, I use to be really sexually adventurous and do this stuff but then he just pushed the bar too far, trying to have public sex, demanding anal, telling me he wanted to bring in another woman and have us do lesbian stuff, and then I kind of shut down. Whatever I give sexually will never be enough for him.
Not if it's done right!!!
Not if it's done right!!!
Bahaha! I just about choked
Bahaha! I just about choked on my donut. RedWings, you're freaking hilarious.
Well then he just screwed
Well then he just screwed himself (pun intended) by pushing you past your limits. At least he was comfortable enough to express his fantasies with you, he just went about it all wrong. Instead of DEMANDING, he should've simply asked if you'd be willing to try something new and when you said no, he shouldn't have pushed.
I'm sorry you're dealing with that. It can put a great strain on a relationship if you two aren't on the same page sexually. Ever think of a sex therapist? Something to give him to cope with his desires and something to make you more comfortable with trying new things?
Yeah, I think my husband and
Yeah, I think my husband and I could use counseling in a lot of areas. I don't know if he would go for it. A lot of this stems from him constantly violating my boundaries in all areas.
Might be time to rethink
Might be time to rethink things. If he's constantly overstepping and violating your boundaries, he's not respecting you or your feelings. That, to me, is a deal breaker.
I am still holding out hope
I am still holding out hope he can change. He has only been acting like this the past couple years, since Sd had her baby and BS got sick. I think it is a midlife crisis.
I cannot believe he bought
I cannot believe he bought the motorcycle and just didn't bother to mention it. I empathize with you. And yes, I would shut off the phone. Screw him.
Thanks princess. The
Thanks princess. The motorcycle was like the last straw. It was bad enough when he was taking out 401k loans for getting the kids stuff without telling me, and not telling me when he would get speeding tickets. It is like I have no emotional partnership, I am just here to cook and have sex.
No one do anything sexual
No one do anything sexual that they are not comfortable with. And a person that loves you will never expect you to do something that really bothers you. Sure you can try anything once but if it really, really turns you off it would mess up your sex life big time.
I agree with this. ^^^^^^
I agree with this. ^^^^^^ Very true.
That was what I was kind of
That was what I was kind of thinking. It helps to hear it from someone else.
I think it's kinda ironic
I think it's kinda ironic that people have talked about how "frigid" BM was in bed and how their SO's hated it. Also, it's been used as justification for cheating ON HERE. Go figure.
This OP is the one who is being frigid and shutting her man down, and everyone is sympathetic.
Shrug.
OP, consider loosening up a bit sexually. Make it fun. Your man wants you, and you're shutting him down.
ETA: OP, if he is consistently pushing you to do things that upset you, rethink the marriage. There has to be give and take. Not just take, take, take from EITHER party.
I know that our sex life is
I know that our sex life is important to our marriage. I'm sure that a lot of people in our society would call me frigid or something and I don't get offended. I don't do masturbation and phone sex because I would be faking it. I don't want to fake my way through marriage, and hope that in my Dh's eyes I have more value than a means of sexual gratification. We always argue when he is at work, we both kind of feel that the other is a taker, so we are trying to figure out some things about how to order our lives together. I really appreciate your input, but I have to that having six children 10 and under just makes it impossible to be and feel sexy all the time. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm frigid, but my life is not centered around having sex and I want to be appreciated for the entirety of myself, not just what I can provide in that area.
I'm not sure how you have so
I'm not sure how you have so many kids with a lackluster sex life.
I had 4 under age 10, and I was BUSY. I guess I'd advise you not to let "mommyhood" replace "womanhood." Being a mommy has its place, but so does being a woman.
I'm not sure how old you are, but things changed in a *big* way when I hit 30.
I think it's kinda ironic
I think it's kinda ironic that people have talked about how "frigid" BM was in bed and how their SO's hated it. Also, it's been used as justification for cheating ON HERE. Go figure.
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I just have to ask....what in the hell are you doing on this site?
How long have you been
How long have you been married?? My DH at first wanted all kinds of crazy stuff but finally settled down after a while.
Phone sex for overseas I understand... Another woman hell no!! Imo. :evil:
12 years. He doesn't force
12 years. He doesn't force crazy stuff at home, but he talks about it all the time when he is away at work. He said he thinks his testosterone goes crazy when he is away.
OP, does your husband have
OP, does your husband have issues with porn? Studies show that repetitive viewing of porn sometimes desensitizes a man, regular normal every day sex no longer excites them as much, and they start pushing for more and more extreme behaviors (public sex, threesomes), because they are trying to get that rush back. They keep pushing their partners boundaries because they are trying to satisfy themselves and it almost becomes an addiction. Just a thought. Sorry you are going thru this.
He had in the past, when he
He had in the past, when he was pushing too far. He doesn't look at that anymore. I won't have it in our home and at work he can't. Won't cheat at work either because he is not the type and he is in the land of AIDS and malaria. I think you are probably on to something though. It has kind of warped his view of sex and marriage. We talked this evening and I will update tomorrow.