compensating for piss poor parenting
Hi! It has been months since I have posted. It's nice to see some familiar names and lots of new names too. Same ol shit here but I have an office with a deck and a pull out couch that is my escape and I am writing my first novel. I have most of it (poorly)outlined and I am working on Chapter 7....I have a long way to go.
I just have a question for those who work in the psychology field or mental health field.
My husband lets his kids run feral around the house. They all fail school, if they go. No consistency, no rules, they rule the roost. There are no consequences, he never wants them sad and for those who remember my DuH, he is a piss poor parent. One thing he does do is make sure he knows everything they do every minute. The constant texts, at work love you, ok love you, I'm here, love you, ok love you. That has gone on with SD22 and SD18 for years. At each stop they must send a text that they made it. SD22 has broken free of that. She moved out in August and she just stopped texting her every move so he used location and then tests what are you doing here or there...obsessed. Whos house? Who you with? When you going home? She blocked him on location. She texts now almost never, unless she needs something and he sends a Love You text everyday with a selfie and expects one back...he's mentally ill. She stopped sending the pic but still usually says love you after being prompted a couple times...I mean he won't let it go until she says something but she started to refuse to send a selfie EVERY DAY. SD18 still does. She still lives here(with her boyfriend but that is another story).
His constant 'showing he cares, by controlling their every move, is that compensation for piss poor parenting skills?
He has started with SS12 now he has to text when he gets to J's house and then J's mom is taking them to arcade so text when they are leaving, text when he gets there, text if you get something to eat, text me everything, yet he has no concern that SS14 is on the phone all night doing who knows what but at age 11 he started exchanging porn with grown men on chat lines til the wee hours of the morning. He doesn't care what they do as long as they are in his house. I'm sure that is why we allow a 21 year old man sleep in SD18s bedroom. When she was 17 he didn't like that she left the house so he allowed him in her room for 'movies' and now he just stays every day. She does his laundry, he drops by and hangs in her room even when she is not here.
Any perspectives?
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Are you really staying
Are you really staying because of the house or are you staying also as a way to be a buffer for the kids still at home? Honestly with his behavior no house, no matter how beautiful, comfortable or where it was located would allow me to stay in that situation.
Congratulations on the book, writing takes courage, I hope it goes well.
As for your DH is appears he has a myriad of issues that I don't think any of us could help you sort out here. I understand he is in therapy, but have you gotten your own? It might help to talk to somebody else who can help give you the tools you will need to deal with this.
I've really grown to not care
I've really grown to not care. I want to be my best self, write a book and ignore the people I live with. The kids are very pissed at their parents and honestly use me as a scapegoat. BM left them on the street with their belongings as she drove away in a moving van with her new boyfriend. Somehow she is now a hero and I am evil. I am not here to protect the kids but if I see something I don't like, I do step in. I did not see what happened to SD that night but read it the next day in his text messages to her.
You are in a NO win family
HD will never change, why should he he's perfect ! He will never let the kids and there drama go, As long as he can throw money at them. They are good. Since the kids have no education, No responsible, they most likely will not have good jobs if they even work.
Where does that leave you ?? That the big question. Yoi are not happy now you will not be happy in the future.
Must be a really nice house.
Must be a really nice house.
The house is ok. I have an
The house is ok. I have an office that I love. I have a desk next to a sliding door that leads out to a deck with all of my plants. In the other corner of the room, I made a yoga space with pretty lights. If I leave, it is abandoning the home and I will not do that. I plan on taking my half of the equity when I do go.
I certainly am no longer attracted or in love with him. I do care about him and love my in-laws but you know damn right he will turn them against me. A narc like him can never come off looking like the bad guy.
Hi, Chmmy. I'm glad you'll
Hi, Chmmy. I'm glad you'll checking in, what with COVID and all.
I don't have a definitive "Your H is suffering from X" explanation for this man's behavior, however this is probably the most revealing post you've made about him and reminds me of my late FIL. Lots of parallels, lots of deep seated illness, another man who used his kids to fulfill his own needs. FIL adored his daughters instead of loving them; he had zero standards or expectations for them, allowed the fourteen year old to move her twenty-one year old bf in, drugs, skipping school etc.
FIL had abandonment issues. His parents were drunks, and he was raised by his grandparents. I think there was childhood emotional neglect, and he had a general distain for females - except his daughters. He was aloof, a loner attracted to empty "pin up girl" beauty, but never dated after divorcing when the kids were young. Guilt also fueled his enmeshment. MIL was an unstable alcoholic, but she had custody. I think he wanted to "make it up to them" by spoiling his girls. Any of this seem familiar? He used his girls to fill that hole inside, and did so until he died. He used them, they used him. The drama never stopped, the situation never improved, and he treated his granddaughters as mini wives, too.
Your H is definitely disordered, and he's damaging his kids, so they won't successfully launch. The rest of his life is going to be a Hell of his own making. I get that you've found a way to survive in that house, but what kind of life is it?
Now that COVID numbers are dropping, you should be able to find well playing work. Are you still working on your exit strategy? Something is keeping you from walking away, and you won't be your best self until you identify what that is. You sound very detached, and I'm not sure that's a good thing. Can you use your H's insurance to get into therapy? Consider it a gift for all you've had to deal with. I want good things for you, hun, and think that loony bin has affected you more than you realize.
yes, he adores his daughters
yes, he adores his daughters but does not love them. he also seeks out their adoration. we see how that worked out with SD22
Glad you are doing better
You sound stronger. Now that you have separated yourself emotionally from that sick person you are married to.
I get that you do not want to leave the house (abandonment - you want to kep the equity) so it sounds like you have create the necessary separation. I agree with ExJulie - can you still use the husbands insurance to get some therapy?
Do you think he is acting
Do you think he is acting this way with his daughters because he knows you don't love him anymore? Is it scratching that itch to be needed, even if he is clearly annoying them?
It sounds like he's desperate for some love and attention, you're right he's mentally ill. Some parents really lose their minds when their kids start getting more independent.
Maybe he think that they will regulate their own behavior if he is constantly checking up on them. Constantly checking up on kids doesn't make them behave any better it makes them into better liars. He's in denial.
You hit it on the head with
You hit it on the head with they lying. BM is a compulsive liar to start with and all of these kids lie just to lie. No he has always put his emotional needs on the kids since his divorce.
As far as scratching an itch, I showed him plenty of love but he ruined it with his obsessive need to be everyone's favorite person and especially his kids' favorite parent. His ego needs to be fed. I had no idea how sick he was until I started reading his texts the past year.
This is a very unhealthy
This is a very unhealthy situation for you and SKs. DH is controlling and even if he is not outright abusive. His behavior will still cause them emotional damage.
What your husband is doing is what sociopaths do to groom Thier victims. It's coercive control.
Yes, he uses his kindness to
Yes, he uses his kindness to manipulate people.