Future Stepchildren
This is a call for advice.
I am engaged to be married this July. It will be my second marriage. I have three children (16, 10 and 8)and my fiance' has two (16 and 13).
My children are very good to my fiance', always excited and happy when he visits or spends time with us. They are Christian children and are very caring and loving.
My dilemna are his children. Their mother is from the Philipines. She was my fiance's cleaning woman who he married and brought to America while he was in the Air Force. While married to him she was abusive and unfaithful after she got to America and got her citizenship. She currently runs with military men at the air force base, cusses and drinks, refuses to keep her children with her, tries to fight with and demand money from my fiance', etc.
His children are sometimes mean and disrespectful to me and my children. They also demand things and money from their father seemingly every time I am around them.
My fiance' is a very loving and caring person. He treats me and my children very well. He is a member of my church. I trully do love him and he me. He told me that I was his soul mate.
He wants his children to come with him and live with me and my chidren. I know that this has the potential to spell disaster because of their behavior and values which are not Christian. I am worried about my children in this blended family scenario.
If anyone could give advice, it would be s step parent who can foresee what I am headed for. I need advice. I trully love my fiance' but, my children's care is paramount. Please, help.
Clorell
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Comments
Before you marry, you future
Before you marry, you future husband needs to make a few commitments to you regarding his children and their behavior. You need to outline acceptable attitudes and rules that you expect will be followed. You need to outline the consequences for failure to follow the rules and your fiance needs to commit to enforcing those rules and consequences. You also need him to understand that if his children negatively influence your children or household and refuse to honor the expectations you have provided them then they will be returning to live with their mother.
I'm sure he wants them to live with you because he sees you as the better mother and someone who can help him repair the damage that his first wife may have caused those children. But he needs to recognize that you can only give so much and you can't be expected to live in chaos or to tolerate disrespect in your household.
Good luck!
Thank you. That was very
Thank you. That was very helpful indeed. God bless.
Oh, one more thing. His
Oh, one more thing. His X-wife does not want the children with her, so he has been raising them. So, I'm afraid that having them live with their mother may not be a future option should things become intolerable. But, what do you think about a counseling class for potential blended families? Are they helpful?
Rules must be set in stone
Rules must be set in stone before you marry...otherwise, his children will ruin your life, your marriage and your children...
Can you help me with some
Can you help me with some advice on how to set up these rules with him and his children? How do I approach this without inferring that I am downing his children?
Maybe set it up as a
Maybe set it up as a behavior contract for ALL children to sign for the new blended family. Then it doesn't seem like you are picking on only his kids, you are including them all in the new rules and consequences.
Great idea. Thank you.
Great idea. Thank you.
This is an awesome idea, and
This is an awesome idea, and I will make sure to pass it on!!! Good call chica!
I see a lot of good advice
I see a lot of good advice here from people. Let me tell you from experience, that first of all, not to be negative, but you are going to have one hard road ahead of you, and so will your children. I have been there and done that. I am still married to my wife, but it's only through a miracle of God that we are still together. We have had issues with all of the children, but especially her son. He has been an issue since the day we got together, and things have only gotten worse up until just recently(but they still aren't great!!) I was blinded to it in the beginning because I had been a single dad of 3 children for almost 5 years, so I was to a point where I was very lonely and just wanted to feel loved, so I put major blinders on to a lot of different things. Due to my mistakes in the past I suffered, and even more worse, my children suffered. My advice to you is to think very hard and really communicate your fear to your future husband before making any decisions. I will pray for you and your situation.
Steve Shafer
Thank you Steve. Thank you
Thank you Steve. Thank you very much. The main thing is that I do not want my children to suffer. I have been raising them in a rated G home with Christian values. They are loved, encouraged, and safe. You are certainly right. I will search for a couseling class on blended families. Your prayers are most valued. God Bless. I will say a prayer for you too.
If the relationships aren’t
positive and respectful now, moving in together won't make that better and you life will be a nightmare. My DH and I have made it through our step drama over the past year with the help of an excellent counsellor. In retrospect, I would advise anyone who's thinking about blending families to get a good counsellor, even if things seem to be going well. There are so many potential pitfalls and when things start to unravel, they unravel quickly, and in ways you've never imagined.
This OP is 13 years old. I
This OP is 13 years old. I wish we could find out how things went. Something tells me it wasn't good! The guy might be "amazing", but he had kids with a poor quality partner and they weren't raised well. OP will always be tied to that low-class aspect of her husband's life. And before someone berates me for being socioeconomically or culturally prejudiced (the cleaning woman/Christian vs non Christian thing in the OP), what i mean is behaviorally low-class. I've met poor people who i consider high-class and vice versa. But disrespect, poor manners, poor impulse control, and laziness/entitlement - that is low-class and by those kids' ages, it was probably deep-set.